New Hope
Case Discussion
Dr.
Bill Gaultiere
(714)
971-4213,
DrBill@CrystalCathedral.org
Here
is a New Hope Online transcript and commentary that illustrates
how to respond with care and effectiveness someone who is grieving.
It serves as a good refresher on how to use active listening
skills with someone who is grieving. Remember, the first priority
in our active listening is to develop and demonstrate understanding
of the caller's concern. Then we try to elicit from the caller/chatter
an idea, goal, or action step on dealing with the concern, which
is grief in this case.
Your question
was: My son died last month. Trying to deal with loss.
Counselor: Hi. I'm glad you contacted us at NewHopeNow.org.
Counselor: Are you suicidal?
COMMENT:
Assessing suicidality doesn't seem indicated at this point.
(Although it is much better to err on the side of caution!)
If she had said that she didn't want to live or was in despair
then it would've been essential to ask. The best response is
to focus on the loss of her son that she's referenced.
ALTERNATIVE
RESPONSE: "You must miss him terribly." Or "It sounds like
you're feeling sad."
Chatter: Hello, thank you for being there.
Chatter: I don't know. I don't want to go on but I have no plan
of killing myself yet.
Counselor: So you are in alot of pain and hurting very much
COMMENT:
Excellent empathic reflection!!!
Chatter: any more pain and my mind would break down. I cannot
take any more pain....
Counselor: I am concerned about your son's death. How are you
coping with this?
COMMENT: Very good question. Focuses on the urgent issue.
But, the timing is off, perhaps because the Counselor is typing
in this question at the same time as the Chatter is typing in
a further expression of her pain. This illustrates the importance
of the counselor being patient. She's made a great empathic
reflection ("So you are in a lot of pain..") and it is best
to see what the chatter does with this. In fact, the chatter
has moved deeper into her pain and seeking understanding and
comfort from the counselor. Just what we want. Now we want
to proceed by discussing that further with the goal of offering
comfort.
ALTERNATIVE
RESPONSE: "I see that you're at a breaking point. You really
need some relief!"
Chatter:
Trying to go on. I don't know how to cope with this pain. People
say time will help but until time passes I will not know. I
don't know how to go on with this much pain.
Counselor: I am understanding that this is a very difficult
time for you.
COMMENT: Good summary comment to track her, encourages her to
continue sharing her heart.
Counselor:
Time can be a great healer
COMMENT:
Unnecessary statement and not true (though widely believed).
Time alone doesn't heal, but actually can facilitate denial.
Over time we heal from grief IF we process our pain with someone
who comforts us and we make adjustments in our life.
Chatter:
the worst time for me yet in my life and I have had a lot of
bad times but this tops the cake of bad times. I am very depressed
and in a lot of pain both emotional and physical.
Counselor: What do you see as ways of overcoming all this pain?
COMMENT: The Counselor is attempting to develop an action plan,
which is a good idea. Perhaps a bit premature as more could
be done to establish an emotional connection. The counselor's
question would work better later and if the counselor didn't
pair taking a positive step with "all this pain."
ALTERNATIVE
RESPONSE: "What ideas do you have for coping with your grief?"
swimming
in this ocean of never ending pain.
Chatter: I don't see or know of any way to over come this pain.
Counselor: It seems like you are letting outside forces dominate
in your life.
COMMENT:
Unfortunately, the conversation got cut off at this point.
We don't know why. Could've been an internet connectivity problem.
The Counselor's response here may have been a bit offensive.
It's probably true, but would be better received if put more
softly.
ALTERNATIVE
RESPONSE: "It's really hard for you to manage the pain of losing
your son. I wonder what might be helpful for you?"
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