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• "I'm worried about my husband's drinking."
• "My girlfriend is depressed again and nothing I say seems to help."
• "I keep getting into relationships with abusive men!"
• "If my son cared about me he'd stop ____________."
• "I can't seem to please anybody in my life."

They're only happy if the person they're focused on is happy. They try so hard to please this person. They're consumed with helping their loved one who may have an addiction, be depressed, or just have lots of problems. Their identity is wrapped up in someone else's body! They've become "Co-Dependent" - depended upon their relationship with a dysfunctional person.

This topic hits home! Many of us as counselors and care-givers have co-dependency issues. We have such caring hearts that we can't say no to needy people or stray cats! We're so sensitive that we feel bad if we hurt a bug or if a stranger says an unkind word. Our sympathy for others overrides our boundaries and gets us into trouble.

Co-dependency is a wild roller coaster of a ride! You lose the freedom and joy of being yourself. You miss your other friends and family. Your relationship with God suffers.

How do we break out of these crazy relationships? How do we establish healthy boundaries with the people we love and those we want to help? How do we as New Hope Counselors help co-depended callers/chatters?

Sometimes we just need to laugh at ourselves!

You're codependent for sure if, when you die, someone else's life flashes in front of your eyes.

You're codependent for sure when you get kicked off jury duty for insisting that you're the guilty one.

You're codependent for sure when you wake up in the morning and say to your mate: "Good morning, how am I?

Did you hear about the codependent who flunked geography? He couldn't distinguish any boundaries.

Q. Why did the codependent cross the road? A. To help the chicken make a decision.

Q. What does a codependent have in common with God? A. They both have a plan for your life.

How do 2 co-dependents do lunch?

They get in their car, then drive around for a half hour saying: "What do You want?"

"Oh, Whatever You want."

"But what do You feel like today?"

"Whatever You decide will be great"

How can you tell you're at an Alanon meeting?

Someone spills their coffee and everyone gets up to clean it up.

You know that pastors and other helpers like us often struggle with co-dependency. Let me tell you a story about that. There was a cowboy who went to church one Sunday. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.

The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him." So the minister began his sermon.

One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon. The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay."

WHAT IS CO-DEPENDENCY?

About 20 years ago when I was going through graduate school co-dependency was being identified as a problem from studies of alcoholic and chemically addicted families. It was discovered that addicts typically had a responsible, caring person in their life who unintentionally "enabled" them to continue in their destructive behavior. The enablers were found to be co-dependent in that they were "addicted" to their relationship with the alcoholic or drug addict.

Since then understanding of co-dependency has broadened to include an addiction to being in relationship with people who have other emotional problems. The crucial aspects are that co-dependents are:

1. Compulsively involved in dysfunctional relationships that don't meet their needs (They "need" to help people with problems to feel better.)

2. Enmeshed with other people so that their personal identity (feelings, needs, values, opinions) are crowded out by others identity, problems, or needs. These boundary problems make their relationships stressful if not chaotic and painful. Their expression of themselves and their growth and life mission are stunted or completely sidetracked.

3. Trying to control their painful internal feelings by controlling people and situations on the outside. This provides temporary relief but leaves the underlying problems unresolved.

If you met a co-dependent person what would he or she look like? You may have one in your family. Probably at least one of your friends is co-dependent. I am sure that you talk to a co-dependent person on almost every New Hope shift. Perhaps the co-dependent person in your life is the face looking back at you in the mirror!

I read that some studies show 50-80% of professional counselors have not addressed their own co-dependence. That's a scary thought!

Let's not make that mistake! You know we help other people out of who we are. So learning about ourselves and growing psychologically and spiritually is the best thing we can do to be more compassionate and helpful.

So I want to give you a few moments to take this Co-Dependency Survey. After you take the survey for yourself you might think about someone you know and how he or she would answer these questions.

Co-Dependency Survey

Flynn: a 35-year old woman from New Zealand, story from "A Fine Kettle of Fish"

"I left my marriage with Sean because I felt crushed, suffocated, and trapped - by HIS needs, HIS feelings, HIS opinions. We were both strong personalities, but somehow, through the course of having babies, moving cities, and adjusting to parenthood, I had made his needs paramount.

It happened so gradually over the years that I had to go to counseling before I could even imagine being strong enough to leave this dominating man.

Finally I left Sean. I felt SO empowered, SO independent. I was sure my marriage had failed because of his inability to compromise and his sometimes obnoxious personality.

After a year along came Chris. He seemed the opposite of Sean in every way: quiet, unassuming, caring, great with the kids, everybody's friend. We moved in together but after two years of living together, I realized that, yet again, I was more worried about HIS thoughts and reactions than my own! I was judging how to be on the basis of how HE was! And I never went out with my girlfriends; I gave up everything for him.

So no more excuses. I had to look at myself - my own patterns and responses."

Where did Flynn's co-dependency cause her problems? She lost her self in the men she was with; her boundaries weren't defined or maintained. And she blamed the problems in her marriage on her husband. But after her second relationship also failed she looked in the mirror and saw her co-dependency that she needed help with - that's the beginning of recovery.

Male pastor: story from National Association of Christian Recovery

I was raised in a family with a rage-aholic mother and a workaholic father. Dad was gone all the time. Our family owned a dairy farm and a potato farm and he worked seven days a week.

When I got off the bus from school it didn't matter what kind of day it had been. It didn't matter if I had been beaten up on the playground. It didn't matter if I had done well on a test. The only thing that mattered was where is Mom and how long will it be before she explodes in rage. So I developed huge emotional antenna that would pick up on what was happening emotionally in the house. I became so aware of how she felt and I did everything I could to please her so she wouldn't explode in rage.

When I left home I did the same things with other people. And I became a rescuer. When people got in trouble they knew they could call me. My friends could get drunk and wreck their cars and they knew they could call me to come pick them up and help them out. I was always available for everybody.

The other thing is that I became a good manipulator. Once I knew how other people were feeling I could play that and get them to do what I wanted them to do. I loved to control people. But I was clueless about what I wanted and needed.

When I got saved I had a powerful experience with God. I knew God loved me. I knew that Jesus had died for me. I put my faith in God but I didn't really change - except keeping all the rules. I quit smoking and drinking and I went to church five times a week. Emotionally I was still the same old self. My "old man" had put on a Christian suit. I was accepted but I wasn't really me.

I became a pastor but in time I burned out. It wasn't until I went into depression that I got real help. I began to realize that when the Bible talks about denial of self and putting to death the old self that was not another heavy burden on a to-do-list. It means that God doesn't want me to be co-dependent anymore. It means that finding a different way of being in the world then all the destructive things I learned in my dysfunctional family.

Where did this pastor's co-dependency lead to burn out? He was giving and helping others and doing so in his own strength, not God's, and under the compulsion of doing what he "should" do. And he wasn't admitting his own needs and asking for the care and help he needed.

WHAT CAUSES CO-DEPENDENCY?

Children who grow up under the care of a parent who is an addict, abusive, neglectful, or mentally ill are likely to become co-dependent. Dysfunctional family systems like these operate with harmful rules:

• Don't feel, don't talk about your feelings, and don't trust anyone.
• In conflict or with sensitive issues don't talk to the person directly - if you have to talk about it go through a third party. (Triangulation)
• Be strong, good, right, perfect. (You can't be a needy, playful child.)
• Don't be selfish; take care of other people.
• Do as I say, not as I do.

"The Cycle of Co-Dependency" Diagram

Love Hunger (God Vacuum) -> Denial (of needs, sins, and hurts) -> Co-dependent relationship (Idolatry) -> Temporary Pain Relief -> Negative Consequences (mistreatment, rejection, conflict, emotional roller coaster, burn out, depression, anxiety) -> Cycle Repeats

CO-DEPENDENCY IS NOT HELPFUL!

Co-dependents think they're being helpful and loving in their relationship with the addict or dysfunctional person. But unwittingly they "enable" this person to be irresponsible by shielding them from the negative consequences of their behavior. People who are acting unwisely need to experience the natural negative consequences of their behavior in order to learn from it and be motivated to change! Here are some examples of how enabling shields addicts/dysfunctional people from God's laws of reaping the consequences of what they've sown (Galatians 6:7-8):

• Care-taking - doing for the dependent person what he/she should do for self (e.g., in parenting)
• Making excuses for their irresponsibility (e.g., covering up with family, friends, work, school, legal authorities)
• Baling the person out of trouble (e.g., with money)
• Keeping secrets or avoiding talking about problems to keep peace
• Blaming others for the dependent person's problems
• Victimizing the addict ("He/she can't help it because of wounds, past problems, stress.")
• Making idle threats (about not helping next time, leaving, etc)

GETTING FREE OF TOXIC FAITH THAT SUPPORTS CO-DEPENDENCY

For many people co-dependency seems like a Christian way to function. We tend to think:

• It's selfish to think of my own needs
• We're supposed to be servants and put others first
• After all, Jesus taught us to deny ourselves
• It's unloving to hurt someone's feelings!
• It's unloving to say no to someone who is hurting or needs help!

These are just a few points of confusion. Let's look briefly at one, turning to God's Word for clarity:

Being selfish

We think it's selfish to ask for what we need. It is - but in a good sense. We have to start here and God knows this. Jesus taught us repeatedly to ask God for what we need:

"Keep on asking, and you will be given what you ask for. Keep on looking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened. Your heavenly Father [will] give good gifts to those who ask him" (Matthew 7:7, 11b, NLT). Another time he said, "You can go directly to the Father and ask him, and he will grant your request because you use my name. and you will receive, and you will have abundant joy" (John 16:23b-24, NLT).

The truth is that it's more selfish not to ask for what you need because if you don't then the people who love you will be burdened to try to figure it out in order to care for you. Furthermore, it's simply inhuman and impossible to live without having needs so if you try to do so you'll just be suppressing or repressing them and they'll unconsciously and indirectly affect your behavior in ways that confuse, burden, manipulate, or violate others. That's the kind of selfishness that's a problem!

Putting others needs first

The way of love is to put others first. But you have to grow into this. The only way to do this well is to operate out of being cared for yourself. For instance, if you're flying on an airplane with a small child they always tell you that if there's an emergency and the oxygen masks drop down put your own oxygen mask on first and then put your child's on.

Often the Bible speaks of this as loving others out of the "overflow" of God's love to you. For instance in Psalm 23:5b (NIV) David rejoices, "My cup overflows."

When Jesus teaches us the Greatest Commandment, "Love the Lord your God. Love your neighbor as yourself" (Mark 12:29-31), he is teaching us a deep truth. If you really love God with your whole self then you'll show it by loving others. Why? Because God is love. You're loving the one who loves you perfectly and his love is meant to be shared. You'll be so blessed by his love for you and knowing that you are loveable and you'll want others to have this same blessing.

The Bible teaches us to live in mutual, "one another" love. My needs matter as much as yours and your needs matter as much as mine. We're of equal value. Repeatedly, we're told to "love one another." If you don't let me love you (because you think you should put others needs first) then you cheat me out of the blessing and honor of giving to you! So Paul teaches us to consider our own interests and other's interests:

"Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others" (Philippians 2:4, NIV).

Recovery from Co-Dependency Bible Verses

Visit my personal website, http://www.christiansoulcare.com/, for a listing of Scripture passages and the insights they teach to help with overcoming co-dependency issues.

Self-denial

This is one of the most important and yet least understood teachings in the Bible. It's taught all over the Scriptures, including by Jesus:

"Then [Jesus] said to them all: 'If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it. What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit his very self?'" (Luke 9:23-25, NIV).

What most people don't understand is that you must have a good self-identity in order to deny it: set it aside, lose it to love others. Jesus himself had a very strong sense of self; he was aware of and often acted in consideration of his feelings, needs, values, and human limitations.

Sometimes love hurts another's feelings

In our culture we are really messed up when it comes to feelings. On one hand we have problems with denying legitimate feelings which causes us many problems like detachment in relationships, projection of issues onto other people, depression, anxiety, and many other things. On the other hand, we totally glorify feelings. We think that we shouldn't do anything unless we feel like it. It seems inauthentic to do something unless you feel like doing it. We even define what is right but what feels right. And we'll do almost anything to feel good: drink, lust, eat, lose our temper, gossip, go shopping. We can hardly imagine depriving ourselves something we want and sill feeling good.

One aspect of how messed up we are with feelings is that we think it's always bad to hurt someone's feelings. Of course, we should go around trying to hurt other people's feelings! But there are times where we must speak the truth or set a limit even it someone doesn't feel good for others.

Many of the things that Jesus said and did hurt other people's feelings - especially the Pharisees, but other people too. How do you think the woman caught in adultery felt when Jesus said, "Go and sin no more"? Or the rich young ruler when Jesus told him to sell everything and give the money to the poor? Or Peter when Jesus replied to Peter's plea that Jesus not go to the cross by saying, "Get behind me Satan!"? Or his own mother when at 12 years old he told her that his Father's business was more important to him than his relationship to her?

When I read the Bible the Lord often hurts my feelings. As just one example, recently in my Scripture meditation I came across Hebrews 12:7 (NIV):

"Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons."

This is a verse that some years ago the Lord challenged me to live by. Do you think this makes me feel good? Of course not! When disappointments or bad things happen in my life I don't like to think that God allowed them and wants to use them to train me. I'd rather he just make the problem go away! However, as I accept painful situations under God's sovereignty other feelings develop for me - good feelings of love, joy, and peace. (Of course, the Fruit of the Spirit are more than feelings, their godly characteristics, but a component of them is feeling, wonderful feelings!)

Sometimes love says no

Jesus taught us that sometimes we need to say no to people. Of course, we must say no to sinful and destructive behavior. And we must say no when we have to admit our limitation:

"Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No'; anything beyond this comes from the evil one" (Matthew 5:37, NIV).

Jesus taught that the ability to say no was important - even in our relationship with God! It's called freedom of choice and being able to express our no is a foundational aspect of a healthy self-identity. And when you're able to say no then you're also able to say yes!

"[Jesus said]. 'Tell me what you think of this story: A man had two sons. He went up to the first and said, "Son, go out for the day and work in the vineyard." The son answered, "I don't want to." Later on he thought better of it and went. The father gave the same command to the second son. He answered, "Sure, glad to." But he never went. Which of the two sons did what the father asked?' They said, 'The first.' Jesus said, 'Yes, and I tell you that crooks and whores are going to precede you into God's kingdom. John came to you showing you the right road. You turned up your noses at him, but the crooks and whores believed him. Even when you saw their changed lives, you didn't care enough to change and believe him'" (Matthew 21:28-32, MSG).

Jesus demonstrated this time and again himself. So often we read in the gospels accounts like this:

"Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed. Simon and his companions went to look for him, and when they found him, they exclaimed: 'Everyone is looking for you!' Jesus replied, 'Let us go somewhere else-to the nearby villages-so I can preach there also. That is why I have come.'" (Mark 1:35-38, NIV).

Jesus said no. Because of the limitations of his humanity he needed time alone with the Father. Because of the limitations of his time on earth he needed to move on to minister to other people.

UNDOING THE NEGATIVE CYCLE OF CO-DEPENDENCY

Contrast this positive cycle of Recovery from Co-Dependency with the negative vicious circle above:

Love Hunger (God Vacuum) -> Truth (about needs, sins, and hurts) -> Trust God and Christ's Ambassadors -> Comfort and Learning -> Empowered to be your SHAPE for God and others

IGNATIAN MEDITATION EXERCISE

Here's an experience to help you rely on God through his Word and prayer for help with any co-dependency issues you may to have. This passage demonstrates Jesus helping his disciples, who were tired from ministry, come away with him for rest and then to draw their substance and strength for ministry from him. It also shows Jesus' generosity with the crowd, who were more hungry for his words than they were for food.

This approach to meditation was developed by St. Ignatius hundreds of years ago. It's designed for gospel passages and it's still used today in "The Spiritual Exercises." I introduced Ignatian meditation at the recent mini-retreat on meditation, "Meeting Jesus in God's Word," which is available on CD.

Silence

Quietly focus your conscious awareness on God's loving presence.

Gospel

Read Mark 6:30-44 (NIV). Focus on Jesus and notice details. You may want to mark the passage with underlines, circles, or notes.

³⁰The apostles gathered around Jesus and reported to him all they had done and taught. ³¹Then, because so many people were coming and going that they did not even have a chance to eat, he said to them, "Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest."

³²So they went away by themselves in a boat to a solitary place. ³³But many who saw them leaving recognized them and ran on foot from all the towns and got there ahead of them. ³⁴When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them, because they were like sheep without a shepherd. So he began teaching them many things.

³⁵By this time it was late in the day, so his disciples came to him. "This is a remote place," they said, "and it's already very late. ³⁶Send the people away so they can go to the surrounding countryside and villages and buy themselves something to eat."

³⁷But he answered, "You give them something to eat." They said to him, "That would take eight months of a man's wages! Are we to go and spend that much on bread and give it to them to eat?"

³⁸"How many loaves do you have?" he asked. "Go and see."When they found out, they said, "Five-and two fish."

³⁹Then Jesus directed them to have all the people sit down in groups on the green grass. ⁴⁰So they sat down in groups of hundreds and fifties. ⁴¹Taking the five loaves and the two fish and looking up to heaven, he gave thanks and broke the loaves. Then he gave them to his disciples to set before the people. He also divided the two fish among them all. ⁴²They all ate and were satisfied, ⁴³and the disciples picked up twelve basketfuls of broken pieces of bread and fish. ⁴⁴The number of the men who had eaten was five thousand.

Pick a place in the story

Stand in the place of a character you identify with (a disciples who is tired from ministry; someone in the crowd who is hungry; Jesus who is teaching, feeding, and thanking God) or just stand next to Jesus as an observer.

Pray (Petition)

Ask Jesus for what you need from him now. You may want to journal your prayer on the back.

Enter the story

Slowly re-read the story using all of your senses - see, hear, touch, smell, and taste what's going on - to re-create the story and imagine yourself in it.

Listen

Ask God to show you in pictures or tell you in words what this passage means for you personally. You may want to write down what God seems to be showing you.

Pray (Respond)

Thank God for what he's revealed to you. You may want to journal this prayer too.

NEW HOPE COUNSELING ROLE PLAY ON CO-DEPENDENCY

The following chatter comments are excerpted from an actual New Hope Online chat room conversation. The counselor responses (in italics) are my responses as offered live in the class. Let's call the chatter by the name of Randy. He's about 50 years and lives in a rural area in one of America's Southern states.

Randy: A few months ago I came home to find my wife drunk. The neighbors were over and they had too much to drink too. Some cross words were said and the next thing I knew, I was at the porch steps getting cursed out by my wife.

Counselor: This was traumatic for you Randy.

Randy: Yes, I was left alone crying. I was so upset so I went for a drive.

Counselor: It seems you were wounded by your wife's angry words.

Randy: Later I learned that my wife has been having an affair with a married man.

Counselor: Oh my. I imagine your heart is broken by this news of her betrayal.

Randy: The man she had an affair with has since gotten back with his wife and my wife says she wants to fix our marriage. Her family members are all Christians and they've gone to bat for our marriage. So has our church. In fact, all the churches in about a 100 mile radius are praying for us.

Counselor: So you're hopeful that your marriage can be restored.

Randy: And she's been going to church. But she's terribly confused. She says she isn't in love with me anymore.

Counselor: Ouch. That hurts you deep.

Randy: My nerves are shot, my health is shot, and I don't know what to pray next. I had my first heart attack at 31 and my doctor said that the next one is imminent if I don't manage my stress better.

Counselor: I understand that the tenuousness of your marriage is stressing your body and leaving you scared for your health.

Randy: I know it's all in God's time, but this is an emergency! I know it's not a battle between her and I. It's a battle with God and I against Satan.

Counselor: I see that you're trying hard to keep a positive attitude towards your wife while you cry out for God's help to fight for your marriage.

Randy: She is my soul mate - the one God chose for me. I love her with all my heart and I forgive her without any questions asked. She is my home. I just want to go home with her where I belong.

Counselor: If only you could have her back.

Randy: I am doing all I can to try to win her back, but she is still pulling away like a rabid bull.

Counselor: It's hard for you to understand Randy, but apparently the harder you pursue her to get her back the more she rejects you.

Randy: I can't give up. That would be to tell her that she can have a divorce and to stop praying for restoration and to quite believing God for what I've asked.

Counselor: Acknowledging her freedom to stay in the marriage or not doesn't mean that you can't keep praying and believing for God's best.

Randy: I need to be loved and I need it from my wife!

Counselor: Of course, you want this, but you don't have control over her. I wonder what else you can do to get your needs met?

Randy: The one thing that gives me peace or enjoyment now is going to church

Counselor: Hmm. That does sound good for you. What else can you do for help?

Randy: I guess the other thing that helps is being able to vent, like talking to you.

Counselor: You have been quite honest and courageous in sharing your heart with me.

Randy: Also it helps knowing that people are praying for me.

Counselor: Would you like me to pray for you now?

Randy: Yes, that'd be great.

Counselor: Dear Lord, we lift up Randy to you. His heart has been broken by his wife's affair. He so desperately wants her back. She says she wants to work on the marriage but she keeps pulling away. It's so confusing for Randy. His only hope is in you Lord. We ask you to restore his marriage, to work in his wife's heart so that she'd be faithful to Randy. And we ask you to comfort and heal Randy's heart and to work your grace in their relationship so that they can reconcile. And in the meantime please continue to help Randy to be encouraged by his church and the prayers and caring of his friends. Lord it hurts so much when she pulls away from him so strengthen his boundaries to protect his heart and to help him to focus on the things that he can do with your help. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.

CO-DEPENDENCY REFERRALS

See also "Addictions & Compulsive Behavior"