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We all make mistakes as New Hope Counselors – myself included. The goal of New Hope Counseling is not perfect technique. In fact, trying to do everything exactly right would restrict your compassion, which is what’s most important!

We want to offer care from our hearts and do so in a way that minimizes mistakes in our technique. In all of our conversations with someone who is hurting or struggling we all are prone to offer certain common responses that are not helpful, but actually hinder the process of caring for someone.

My son David is 15 years old and I’m preparing him for a “Rite of Passage” ceremony this fall to help launch him into adulthood as a Christian. He’s picked out seven mentors in different areas (relationship with God, dating and marriage, family relationships and fathering, church ministry, friendships, job, finances) to learn from. He also went through a Christian catechism with me and some Bible studies. I bought a Bible for him and I’m reading through it for him every day, making notes and writing in personal prayers for him as I read. I’m going to give him this “Legacy Bible” at his ceremony to encourage him to read God’s Word on his own.

Recently, I was reading through the Proverbs and was reminded that there are many Proverbs that teach us to learn from our mistakes and from corrective feedback. Here’s a few examples:

“Instruct a wise man and he will be wiser still; teach a righteous man and he will add to his learning” (Proverbs 9:9).

“He who ignores discipline comes to poverty and shame. Whoever heeds correction is honored” (Proverbs 13:8).

“A wise friend’s timely reprimand is like a gold ring slipped on your finger” (Proverbs 25:12, MSG).

It takes courage and self-esteem to be open to receive feedback on how you can improve. I hope that you will take this approach in our class as we seek to learn together on how we can improve in our New Hope Counseling skills.

First, because we help people out of who we are, I’d like to share with you an inspirational devotional from a devotional I sent to visitors of my website, ChristianSoulCare.com.

How do you define yourself? What do you say to yourself about yourself? As a psychologist everyday I get inside the heads of people who are struggling. Here’s what I hear: I blew it. I’m a failure…. I’ve been abused. I’m a victim… I gave in again. I’m an addict…. I’m alone. I’m just a loner… I can’t lose weight. I’m unattractive.

As painful as it is to think this way it’s even worse to live this way. So much is lost - like the joy of the Lord, dreams, and blessings for those in need around you - when you don’t realize that God has called you by a new name (Isaiah 62:2).

Consider how Jacob gained his new name from the Lord (Genesis 29-32). Here’s how I described it in A Walk with Your Shepherd:

“Jacob’s name meant `deceiver and cheat,’ and he lived up to his name, cheating his brother Esau out of his birthright and deceiving his aged father… After many years of struggle, working for his father-in-law, in which Jacob experienced many family conflicts, hard times, and disappointments, he began a journey to make peace with Esau. On the way, he wrestled with God in the night, seeking his blessing, and he overcame. As a result, God renamed Jacob. Jacob became Israel, meaning `The Overcomer.’

When Jacob discovered that he wasn’t “The Cheater,” he was Israel, “The Overcomer” he lived with a new purpose and a new intimacy with God. He became the father of a nation and to this day, his descendants, the Jews, continue to live with Israel’s courage in the face of persecution and terrorism, knowing that they too are overcomers.

I am convinced that to discover the blessing of our new names we need to wrestle with God for it as Jacob did. We need to struggle through pain and disappointment, continually crying out to God, “Who am I? What have you made me to be and to do?” until we get our answer. This means learning to appreciate our God-designed personalities and relating to God and others out of who we are, not who we think we should be. And it means discovering our God-given gifts and using them to help other people in Jesus’ name.

I know I’ve wrestled with God over this. As a boy I learned from my mother that William means “Protector” and I thought that maybe my life was about standing up for her when my dad lost his temper at her or disappointed her, but this left me feeling smothered and depressed. As a college student I thought I was to be a medical doctor and even though my family and friends were proud of me I was miserable. Even the roles I love the most like husband, father, and psychologist aren’t enough to define me. I had to hear my Good Shepherd call me by name and lead me (John 10:3) and he said, “You’re my ambassador. You’re to represent me and to share my goodness and wisdom with those who need my care.”

My heart resonated with this. Yes, I am the Lord’s Ambassador. I love caring for souls in Jesus’ name! God has gifted me to teach and to counsel and when I do this - whether in the office, in a classroom, at the kitchen table, or over a cup of tea - I feel alive and I know that I’m making my contribution to the cause of Christ.

How about you? What exciting new name has the Lord given you? If you’re not sure then keep wrestling with God until you receive this much-needed blessing.

A member of the Crystal Cathedral’s “One Community” message board, which I’m the Administrator of, cried,

“The first post I ever posted on this forum was a `pray for me-mail,’ as I had just realized that I could never get the love of my life, and a lot of other things. The answers I got were: `think positive,’ `Jesus loves you,’ `be happy’... and a lot of other phrases Christians all over the world use when they really do not know what to say. No one even tried to understand, and I felt like an alien.”

Unfortunately, offering trite phrases to try to “fix the problem” is typical of how family members, neighbors, and friends respond to someone who is hurting. Let’s be sure it’s NOT something that people hear from New Hope!

BUT NEW HOPE COUNSELORS L-I-S-T-E-N!

If you’ve been around New Hope very long then you’ve heard me teach six basic – and essential! – counseling skills using the acronym “L-I-S-T-E-N.” Every New Hope conversation should include the use of these heart-felt responses. You must learn to do these well!

“L” is for loving attitude. We begin our counseling eager to give grace and not judgment – no matter what the person is struggling with.

“I” is for invite deeper self-disclosure with open questions and open probes. We ask questions to draw out people’s feelings and concerns, as well as to learn important information about the situation. An example of an open question is, “What is bothering you about this situation?” Or if the person we’re helping is not providing the context for their problem – maybe she’s overwhelmed with emotion or is just being vague – it’s good to offer an open probe like, “Please share an example of your struggle.”

Open questions and probes (as well as summary statements and feeling reflections, which are described below) are great ways to focus a caller or chatter on elaborating on what seems to be the most important issue. You can do this with the simple open probe that I use often: “Tell me more about ____________.”

I’ve always believed that asking questions is intelligent. It’s how we learn! So when my kids were younger and always asking, “What’s that? What does this mean? Why? Why?” I tried to encourage their inquisitiveness. But, if you’ve been the parent or caregiver to young children then you know that countless rounds of incessant and inane questions tested my ideal!

One day I had an interesting experience that reminded me of how important it is to ask questions. I went to get some cold, purified water in the New Hope office and I noticed a new sign by the hot water sprocket which gave a visual graphic of how to squeeze the lever and move it a certain way in order to get hot, filtered water. I stood there in disbelief. I didn’t know it worked! About four years ago when we got the service I tried to get hot water for a cup of herbal tea and nothing came out. I assumed it didn’t work. So I filled my cup with cold water and put it in the microwave for two minutes and waited. More often, I just didn’t drink a cup of herbal tea because I didn’t want to go through the trouble of heating it. Think of all the refreshing cups of hot, herbal tea I missed! All because I didn’t ask the obvious question, “Doesn’t the hot water work? How do you do this?”

“S” is for summarize. Good counselors – effective communicators for that matter – summarize the main point of what they’re hearing. This way you can confirm that what you understand is in fact what the person is intending to say. This also invites the person to clarify or elaborate. I am continually amazed in the marriage and family counseling I do how little people do this for one another. “It seems that what you’re most concerned about is…” would be a good summary statement.

“T” is for timely feeling reflections. This is the heart of what New Hope Counselors need to do. We reflect back the feelings (or thoughts) people seem to be expressing, using fresh words. To do this you just act like a mirror and offer a feeling word that describes what the person seems to be experiencing. “I imagine that you feel sad about this” is an example of a feeling reflection.

Let me comment on the fresh words part. I’m talking about being a parrot. If you’re really listening with your heart to someone then you’ll digest what the other person is saying and you’ll reflect back your understanding in your own words. This adds shades of new and deeper understanding for the other person and facilitates the healing power of true compassion.

“E” is for even-tempered. Counselors need to stay calm. Avoid expressing shock, dismay, disgust, or any big emotional reaction. This helps people to unload freely.

“N” is for non-verbals. Most of communication is nonverbal. Even on the phones without the visuals the tone of voice and the occasional “hm-hmm’s” mean so much. And, believe it or not, even in the chat room without seeing or hearing the person we’re helping we still have nonverbals that are important: the chosen user name, style of writing, rate of typing, spelling, punctuation, and slurring of words are all examples of nonverbal communication. Online counselors need to reply quick to stay connected and show concern and may need to input brief comments that are the equivalent of a warm “hm-hmm,” like, “I see,” “Yes,” “I’m with you,” or “Please go on.”

THE A-B-C’S OF NEW HOPE COUNSELING

We implement our compassionate listening in the A-B-C’s of New Hope Counseling.

A is for Active Listening. In counseling conversations this is the first thing we do and where we spend most of our time because we want to connect with people and understand their need. Good counselors are learners and they let the hurting person teach them how to best help them by getting on a level, peer-to-peer, and stepping inside the other’s shoes to empathize. It’s called active listening because we need to put words to what we’re understanding. This is especially important on the phones since callers can’t see our face (e.g., stead eye contact and warm smile) and body posture (e.g., leaning forward with interest) and it’s even more important in the chat room where you’re friendly tone of voice cannot be heart.

Active listening is like volleying the tennis ball over the net, back and forth. We listen and ask questions. We listen and reflect feelings. We listen and summarize the main point. We listen and reflect feelings. Back and forth. We’re communicating care, validating feelings, and discerning what the person needs. In a good conversation with a connective and motivated caller or chatter active listening may be sufficient for the person to receive help.

B is for Brainstorm a Positive Action Step. It’s very important that B come after A! Don’t rush into trying to “fix” people’s problems. In fact, don’t try to fix at all. Usually the way we try to fix people is with advice. Even good advice is usually bad in our New Hope Counseling context. We want to help people to come up with their own ideas for dealing with their problem.

To do this we go fishing. Get out your fishing pole, put a worm on the hook, and cast the line out. Wait and see if maybe you can reel in a fish. We’re fishing for ideas and motivation from people. People are more like to implement their own ideas. And people won’t do anything to change unless they’re personally motivated. So to brainstorm we ask people open questions like, “What would you like to do about your concern? What ideas do you have for dealing with this situation? What have you tried in the past? What other ideas come to mind?”

Of course, some people want our advice – they don’t want to be responsible for their problem. We still resist giving advice. We might say, “I don’t know what is best for you to do about this. Let’s work on this together. What do you think?”

C is For Close the Call (or Chat) in Prayer. We also may offer a referral at this time. What we’re doing is setting a boundary in a kind way. Usually, the conversation will go on quite a long time, for far longer than the time we have to give, if we don’t wrap it up. You can do this with a simple time warning like, “I need to go in a few minutes. What else do we need to cover?” Or, “I need to get to other calls (chats) would you like me to pray for you (or give you a referral) before we say goodbye?”

The prayer you offer is an opportunity to use your compassion for this person to offer him or her up to the Lord for his concern and help. You’re serving as a bridge or mediator between the caller or chatter and God.

For a summary of helpful New Hope Counseling please see, “The A-B-C’s of New Hope Counseling Checklist” at

http://www.newhopenow.org/counselors/case.studies/abcs.html

THE COMMON COUNSELING MISTAKES TO AVOID

The most common mistakes that people like us make in our helping are to offer advice (often done indirectly through leading questions), reassurance, sympathy, or analysis. These and others are summarized in “Responses to Avoid in New Hope Counseling.” This is the key to the class so make sure you study it! Here’s the link:

http://www.newhopenow.org/counselors/case.studies/responses.avoid.html.