New Hope
CE, February 2003
William Gaultiere, Ph.D.
Executive
Director of New Hope
WELCOME
Thank
you for participating New Hope's continuing education. Thank
you for volunteering to help people in crisis. And thank
you for joining me in our ministry as "Ambassadors for
the Lord!" God loves us and He wants to love others
through us. That's my story and I'm sticking to it! And
it's my message this month.
THE
NEED IS GREAT
"My
marriage is just a partnership. The love is gone," cried
a husband. A teen complained, "My parents don't love
me." A man admitted, "I don't have any friends.
I don't think I've ever really loved anyone." "Why
don't I feel God's love?" asked a woman.
If
you've been around New Hope very long then you've talked to
every one of these people. And maybe you are one of
these people.
Love.
What is it really? How do we find it? Hollywood answers
that it's found in emotional encounters, sexual liaisons,
and just going with whatever feels good at the moment.
ST.
VALENTINE'S STORY
With Valentine's
Day being in February we think of love more often. Do you know
the true story behind Valentine's Day? Imagine if St. Valentine
could tell us his story. What would he say? I asked myself
that question and then put it in story form for my kids -
and for you.
You
think of me once a year, but you probably don't really know
me. My name is St. Valentine and it's time you heard the
true story about me.
I
was a priest in Rome during the third century. That was over
1,700 years ago! I loved serving God by helping people, but
I didn't like serving our emperor, Claudius II. Most people
didn't like him. In fact, he was so mean that he was called
"Claudius the Cruel."
He
kept leading our people into wars we didn't want. We had
to pay for the wars, not only with money, but also with the
lives of our young men! More and more men didn't want to
fight in Claudius' army because they didn't want to leave
their wives and families. Claudius couldn't get enough soldiers
to fight his wars.
So
he made it against the law for people to get married! No
more proposals. No more marriages. No more families. Can
you believe that? He thought that if men didn't have wives
or children then they wouldn't mind risking their lives to
fight in a war. I thought it was ridiculous and awful. And
I knew that God didn't like it either. When a man and woman
fell in love God wanted them to be able to get married and
to have children. So even though the punishment for breaking
this law was death I kept marrying people in the church anyway!
I obeyed God, not Claudius.
Here's
how we did it. Imagine the scene. It was so romantic and
exciting! But it was scary too. A bride and groom would
sneak away in the dark of night. Often they came by themselves
without even their parents or best friends because they were
afraid that if anyone knew then Claudius's soldiers would
find out. The couple would knock on the back door of the
church and I'd let them in.
I'd
light a candle and open my Bible. I'd whisper what God says
about love and marriage. (We had to whisper the words of
the whole marriage ceremony so that we wouldn't get caught
breaking Claudius' law!) I'd offer a prayer and we'd celebrate
communion, remembering the life, death, and resurrection of
our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Then the bride and groom
would exchange rings and share a kiss. And the whole time
we'd listen for the sounds of soldiers' footsteps just in
case we had to make a run for it!
One
night we did hear footsteps! Thank God the bride and groom
got away before the soldiers got there. But I was caught
and thrown in jail. Emperor Claudius told me and everyone
else in Rome that I was going to be killed for defying him
and breaking his law against marriage. He was punishing me
to try to make people too scared to get married.
But
Claudius couldn't stop true love. That would be stopping
God because, "God is love!" Along with countless
people of love, I kept my faith in Jesus, who loved us so
much that he gave his life for us. So true love continued
to blossom in Rome!
I
couldn't marry men and women who were in love while I was
in jail, but I could still share God's love with them when
they visited me. And many people did visit me. They'd throw
flowers and notes into my window or slide them under my door
because they wanted me to know that they too believed in true
love and that they appreciated how I had performed the secret
marriages for them.
One
of my favorite visitors was the daughter of the prison guard.
Her father let us talk as long as we wanted and so she visited
with me many times. She helped me not to sink into depression
or to be overcome with fear while I waited in my prison cell
for Claudius to have me killed. She was God's gift of love
to me!
On
February 14, 269 A.D. I was put to death. But before I died
I left my friend a note thanking her for her being such a
caring companion to me. I signed it, "Love from your
Valentine."
Emperor
Claudius thought that by killing me he silenced God and all
true lovers. Isn't that ridiculous! Today we can easily
see how wrong he was. Look at what has happened since I died!
February 14th was set aside as a religious holiday
in 496 A.D. by Pope Gelasius and has been celebrated as "Valentine's
Day" in places around the world ever since. I have become
known as the "Patron Saint of Lovers." And every
year on the day that bears my name true lovers - fiance's,
spouse's, family members, and friends - share flowers, poems,
and special greetings called "valentines."
Now
I hope that you'll remember my story of God's love whenever
you say, "Happy Valentine's Day!"
GOD
IS LOVE!
As
Christians we know what true love is. It's not what Hollywood
shows us. We know what true love looks like because Jesus
showed us and He lives inside us.
The
"Love Chapter."
You're probably familiar with the famous love chapter in the
Bible, 1 Corinthians 13. Here it is as paraphrased in The
Message by Eugene Petersen, a devotional Bible that is my
very favorite book. As you read, think first about God's
love for you. Then think about His love flowing through you.
"Love
never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut,
doesn't have a swelled head, doesn't force itself on others,
isn't always `me first,' doesn't fly off the handle, doesn't
keep score of the sins of others, doesn't revel when others
grovel, takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, puts up
with anything, trusts God always, always looks for the best,
never looks back, but keeps going to the end." (1 Corinthians
13:4-8)
"The
Disciple Jesus Loved."
The Apostle John, was Jesus' best friend and identified himself
as "the disciple Jesus loved." Oh, that I would
do likewise! He wrote the gospel of John and the letters
of 1st, 2nd, and 3rd John,
which shine God's light on what it means to love. Here's
an instructive and encouraging passage from 1 John 4:16-21,
also from The Message:
"God
is love. When we take up permanent residence in a life of
love, we live in God and God lives in us. This way, love
has the run of the house, becomes at home and mature in us,
so that we're free of worry on Judgment Day - our standing
in the world is identical with Christ's. There is no room
in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since
fear is crippling, a fearful life - fear of death, fear of
judgment - is one not yet fully formed in love.
"We
though are going to love - love and be loved. First we were
loved, now we love. He loved us first.
"If
anyone boasts, `I love God,' and goes right on hating his
brother or sister, thinking nothing of it, he is a liar.
If he won't love the person he can see, how can he love the
God he can't see? The command we have from Christ is blunt:
Loving God includes loving people. You've got to love both."
FOUR
TYPES OF LOVE
C.S.
Lewis, one of the heroes of my Christian faith and the feature
character portrayed in the movie clip I'll be discussing below,
identified four types of love. The thing that struck me about
these four loves is that they represent what we long to give
and receive in life and that each originates in God!
1.
Friendship.
Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "A friend is someone you can
think out loud with."
A
great example of friendship is recorded in the Old Testament
between David and Jonathan. The amazing thing is that they
were natural rivals. Jonathan: the son of King Saul and heir
to the throne. David: giant-slayer, poet, musician, and charismatic
leader who was anointed by Samuel to be the next king and
had his praises sung by masses of people. Yet, we read, "Jonathan
became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself"
(1 Samuel 18:1). Fourteen chapters later their close bond
ends with death and David cries, "O Jonathan, in your
death I am stricken, I am desolate for you, Jonathan my brother.
Very dear to me you were, your love to me more wonderful than
the love of a woman" (2 Samuel 1:26).
Another
great example of loving friendship which is also testified
to in the Old Testament is that of Ruth and Naomi. And again
there is an unexpected surprise (that's God's way!) in that
we see a woman and her mother-in-law becoming soul mates!
That should put some mother-in-law jokes to rest! After Ruth's
husband has died Naomi urges her to go back to her home country
to find another husband, since widows, particularly in that
day, had lousy lives. But Ruth says to Naomi some of the
most beautiful, touching words in all of the Bible: "Do
not press me to leave you and to turn back from your company,
for wherever you go, I will go, wherever you live, I will
live. Your people will be my people, and your God, my God"
(Ruth 1:16).
I'm
reading a great book (which I'll be telling you more about
in a future CE class) by David Benner called, "Sacred
Companions: Giving the Gift of Spiritual Friendship and Direction."
He identifies eight ideals of spiritual friendships: identification
(experiencing each other as being a part of themselves), shared
passion (it could be movies, gardening, golf, spirituality,
or whatever), longing for the other's well-being (the Biblical
teaching to "rejoice with those who rejoice and weep
with those who weep" comes to mind here), loyalty (David
and Jonathan, Ruth and Naomi are exhibit A and B), honesty
(this points to vulnerability or trust and to the fact that
we all need friends who will speak the truth in love to us),
intimacy (shared experience), mutuality (giving and receiving
are in balance as with my pastor friend who I rely on especially
for prayer and he relies on me especially for psychological
insight), and what Dr. Benner calls "accompaniment"
(journeying through life together as with my grandmother who
every year goes back to visit her "elevator friends"
who worked together hosting an office elevator in Portland
so many years ago).
God
wants us to be and to have friends like this. And God offers
Himself to be our friend! This is amazing! Don't take this
point lightly. God Almighty, the Creator, the King of Kings,
the Lord of Lords, the Alpha and the Omega, the Righteous
One. He flung the stars in the skies and he's numbered the
hairs on our heads and in Jesus he says, "I call you
friends" (John 15:15).
2.
Affection.
This is not the same as, nor necessarily connected to, sex.
I'm referring to caring touch. This is not exclusive to lovers,
but can be shared between friends. In fact, it's a better
expression of love when it's clearly non-sexual. A hand to
hold, a hug, a loving physical presence. How important is
this? Try showing an infant love without using touch. A
divorced man literally cried to me one day, "My skin
screams out to be touched."
The
New Testament exhorts us to "greet one another with a
holy kiss." Jesus modeled the giving of affection.
He touched "the untouchables" (lepers, foreigners,
drunks, prostitutes). Children, who were to be "seen
and not heard" by others, were cuddled and blessed by
him. Yes, our God is an affectionate God. The Scriptures
tell us that we're lambs in our Good Shepherd's arms. The
Lord holds our hand and always underneath us are "the
everlasting arms."
3.
Eros (Romance and Sex).
C.S. Lewis says that friends stand side by side looking out
together, but true lovers also stand looking into each other's
eyes. For a marriage to be healthy the spouse's need to talk
about their relationship periodically. The women know this,
but us guys are slower to catch on. After some years of Kristi
saying to me, "How do you feel about our relationship?
How can we grow closer?" I finally caught on. One day,
I asked her, "Kristi, how do feel about us?" She
about fainted! She appreciates it when I focus with her on
our relationship though because every woman especially longs
to be desired and wanted, to have her man attracted to her
inner and outer beauty.
Passionate
love and sexual intimacy are God's idea. One reading of the
Song of Solomon in the Bible ought to make that clear. This
romantic and sensual book of the Bible is not just spiritual
as some stuffy theologians want to make us think. Solomon
and his bride describe the intimate details of their "falling
in love." It's romantic and passionate and it describes
their longings for sexual union. Yet, God isn't blushing!
He put it in the Bible. This kind of passion in a marriage
is beautiful, admirable, and holy (forget that fact that later
Solomon disobeyed God and gathered hundreds of wives and concubines!).
Clearly, it's want God wants for a husband and wife.
And
here's what's most incredible. In Ephesians 5 Paul tells
us that the sexual union between a husband and a wife represents
Christ's love for his bride, the church, which is you and
I! Do you sense God loving you with passion? This is what
you're made for and what you long for!
So
husbands are to love and cherish their wives sacrificially,
as they love their own selves, as servant leaders, just like
Christ loves the church and washes her feet. And wives are
to "submit" (don't throw stones at me ladies! Paul
also tells us in Ephesians 5 to submit to one another and
in view his challenge to husbands to sacrifice and serve we're
not suggesting anything resembling "male domination")
or respond openly and vulnerably to receive this male-initiated
love. Our world is so, so far from this kind of love, isn't
it? For instance, Hollywood is giving us a steady diet of
"woman domination" or "man emasculation."
4.
Charity.
The gospel that we believe is all over this one: love the
poor and needy and those who are less fortunate. This is
why Dr. Schuller started New Hope in 1968 and it's why you
volunteer. Charity was the heart of Jesus' ministry (welcoming
sinners and outcasts into his circle of friends and offering
love and healing to the sick and depressed) and that of the
apostle's as recorded in Acts. It's how God loves us. Jesus
emptied himself of his divinity in some sense and became poor
that we might become spiritually rich (Philippians 2).
LEARING
TO LOVE FROM C.S. LEWIS
Watching
Shadowlands when it first came out in 1993 I cried. It touched
me so deeply. Here's C.S. Lewis this great Christian leader,
professor of theology at Oxford College in England, famous
author and speaker who has taught people like me so much about
living the Christian life, and we see that he too is struggling
to love and be loved. So much so that he says, "We live
in the shadowlands; the sun is always shining somewhere else."
C.S. Lewis
has taught others so much about God and His love, but what
about him? How does he learn to step into out of the shadows
and into the sunshine of God's love? I learned that he went
by "Jack" and I could identify with his struggle
to experience life, intimacy, love, and God. That was what
brought to tears as I watched him blossom like a flower.
For me
the scene that captures the transformation that God's love
brought about in Jack's life happened in "Golden Valley."
Let me paint the scene for you.
When Jack
was nine-years old his mother died. One of the most precious
items he kept from his childhood "nursery" was a
picture of Golden Valley. As a boy he though it might be
heaven. He didn't know it was a real place, but secretly
hoped that one day he'd turn a corner and he'd just see it.
Decades later this picture hung on his wall in his study,
right next to the desk where he wrote "The Chronicles
of Narnia" and so many other wonderful Christian books.
His friend
Joy, a brash divorced woman from America who has read his
books, asks him about the picture. When she learns that it's
so special to him she asks him if he's ever been there. No.
Well, does he know where it is? No.
Tragically,
Joy gets cancer and is only given a short time to live. Thrown
into the painful prospect of losing his friend who he's just
beginning to learn how to love he marries her. When she's
released from the hospital, hobbling with a cane, she gets
a map and instructions and navigates them on a drive to Golden
Valley. With hesitation, Jack plays along. "I don't
know why we're doing this," he complains and adds his
skepticism. "Probably, it'll all be changed. It'll
be spoiled."
Then they
spot it. They park the car and walk into the tree-framed,
sun-highlighted valley of golden grass. No shadowlands here!
Jack and Joy step into it until they're caught in an England
rain storm and find shelter. Looking out at the valley and
listening to the rain and the thunder with his soul mate at
his side Jack says, "I don't want to be someplace else
now. I'm not looking around the next corner or over the next
hill. I'm here now."
Jack's
taken the risk to look for heaven on earth. But then Joy
offers him a bigger risk - to enter her pain by talking about
her pending death. Reluctantly, he follows again and is blessed
to learn that "the pain then is part of the joy now"
and to experience a deeper love and intimacy with Joy.
And so
we learn from Jack how to love. We have to risk. It's a
risk to live our dream. It's a risk to share our heart.
It's a risk to enter into our pain and the pain of others.
But indeed,
as has been said often before, "It is better to have
loved and lost then to have never loved at all."
I
IDENTIFY WITH C.S. LEWIS
I'm
learning to love the same way. I too have struggled to experience's
God's love, to enjoy life and intimate relationships, just
to feel alive. My wife Kristi has been to me as Joy was to
C.S. Lewis. She lives (literally and figuratively) by the
motto, "Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first!"
And she has called me to join her and take the risk of entering
into all of life's experiences, not just pleasures, but pains
as well.
In
1985 our early relationship blossomed through pain. Engaged,
but separated by 2,000 miles our love lived on phone calls
and holiday breaks from college studies. Times together were
rapturous, but goodbyes hurt so much I felt physical pain
and couldn't hold back tears. Each time feeling the sad loss,
small as it was compared to a death, deepened our intimacy,
enriched our love, and increased my appreciation for wonder
and sacred gift of "the present moment" with the
one I love.
Today,
she is my soul mate and to go a day without sharing my heart
and listening to hers is a disappointment. Without taking
risks it wouldn't be like that.
HOW
"HEATHER" LEARNED TO LOVE
Some
years ago I helped a woman who was incested by her father
as a small girl, many, many times. When I met her she was
depressed, suicidal, and unable to work or care for her elementary
school aged children. She was empty and had little to give.
She was crippled with shame, most of which she didn't deserve.
Obviously, it wasn't her fault her father used her for sex.
Damaged terribly, she learned to use sex to get Daddy's attention
and later that of other men. Thank God she married a Christian
man and was faithful to him and had three beautiful children,
but now it was all falling apart at the seams.
In
her therapy she learned to trust a man again. With trembling
and shame at times she shared parts of herself that hurt so
bad. Feeling accepted as she was helped her to feel loveable,
and ultimately to love. Eventually, she became a wonderfully
caring mother and wife and she volunteered in her church to
teach Sunday School and to lead a small group. Offering care
to others - as she had needed for so long and then learned
to receive - was most fulfilling for her.
ADDITIONAL READING
I've
put a new article on New Hope's public website, "A New
Name from God will Free You of Shame." It's especially
helpful for "Heather." Here it is: www.newhopenow.org/notes/archive/new.name.html.
NEXT CE CLASS
It'll
be, "Living and Caring with God's Pleasure." I'll
be sharing how I've been re-energized and re-focused by God
for my life after 40.
EXAM
For
CE credit and for learning take the exam for this class, which
is linked below. Then, on your honor, score it yourself,
using the answer key linked below. Send verification to SheilaS@CrystalCathedral.org
so that we can track your progress toward a New Hope CE award
for 2003 (completing 11 out of 11 classes).
To
help you with the counseling role play you'll want to reference:
"Responses to Avoid in New Hope Counseling,"
http://www.newhopenow.org/counselors/case.studies/responses.avoid.html
And
"The A-B-C's of New Hope Counseling Checklist,"
http://www.newhopenow.org/counselors/case.studies/abcs.html
CE
Exam
CE
Exam Key
