New Hope
CE, April 2003
William
Gaultiere, Ph.D.
Executive
Director of New Hope
WELCOME
Everyday
at New Hope we talk to people who are stuck in their problems.
At times you too may feel frustrated that you're not growing
spiritually and personally like you want to. Why is it that
many Christians aren't growing? What are the deeper issues
that need to be addressed so that our souls can grow in God's
garden?
This
seminar will demonstrate that all growth is spiritual growth
as indicated in the book "How People Grow" by Henry Cloud
and John Townsend. I'll discuss four specific areas we need
to cultivate our souls in order to grow in God's garden.
PRAYER
Let's
invite God to open our minds to His truth and our hearts to
our needs and the needs of those who call us at New Hope.
Dear Father God, I lift up my New Hope comrades to you. Show
us how we can grow closer to you, to live Spirit-empowered
lives of loving you and others wholeheartedly as Jesus did.
Grow our souls and use us as your ambassadors to help those
who call and chat with New Hope. In Jesus' name we pray.
Amen.
BIBLE
QUIZ
As Christian
counselors it's important that we know our Bibles. So I'm
going to give you a short Bible quiz. These questions are
all from the Old Testament so they'll be tough for some of
you.
Q. What
excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer
lived in Eden?
A. Your
mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Which
servant of Jehovah was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the
Bible?
A. Moses,
because he broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q. What
kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
A. Ruth-less.
Q: Who
is the shortest man in the Bible?
A: Nehemiah
(Knee-High-Miah)
Q: What
is the first recorded case of constipation in the Bible?
A: It's
in Kings, where it says that David sat on the Throne for forty
years.
HOW
SOUL GROWTH HAPPENS
How do
we grow as people and as Christians? How do you and I mature
into the kind of person we're meant to be, a person of character
who enjoys life and makes a meaningful contribution to other
people?
What
we're talking about is the "soul." The inner me. The inner
you. The part of us that is essential and eternal. The soul
is the core self, the intersection of the spiritual and psychological.
SOUL
GROWTH IS LIKE GARDENING
I love
to garden. When we bought a new house four years ago my yard
was like an empty canvas. The "paints" in my palette were
trees; plants; flowers in shades of pink, white, blue, and
red; arbors; rocks; benches; flowerboxes; a waterfall; birdhouses
and birds. And the "brushes" for my artistry were my ideas,
my hands, and a set of shovels. After four years I'm still
"painting!" It's a lot of work, but I enjoy it.
But as
hard as I work in my garden I can't make it beautiful. I
can't make the flowers bloom. I can't make the plants grow.
Only God can do that. He is the Master Gardener. He makes
the leaves bud. He makes the plants and trees grow. He makes
the flowers bloom. And He does it by providing the right
ingredients: soil, sunshine, water, and air.
It's
the same with our souls. God creates the growth as we work
with Him.
Here's
how Paul describes this in Galatians 5:22: "What happens
when we live life God's way? He brings gifts into our lives,
much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard." That's
how The Message translates the beginning of familiar passage
that goes like this: "The fruit of the Spirit is love,
joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness,
and self-control."
These
9 fruits from God's orchard are soul food. It's what we long
to eat and to share with others.
THE
THEOLOGY OF SOUL GROWTH
And so
the basic idea we're discussing tonight is this: Our souls
grow as we entrust our everyday needs and struggles to God
and His resources, re-connecting ourselves to God and people
in the Body of Christ.
In theological
terms the point is this: To live the abundant life that God
created us to live we need to rely on Him to redeem all the
ways that we have been damaged by our sins and the sins of
others against us. In other words, because of sin we need
to be reconciled or re-connected to God.
MY
CAT SHOWED ME HOW SOUL GROWTH BEGINS
The other
day my 9-year old daughter Jenny was emptying the litter for
Midnight, our cat. She was about ˝ way done when the Brady
Bunch came on and so she set down the plastic garbage bag
full of cat feces and litter. At some point Midnight poked
his head into the garbage sack to check out what was going
on.
Suddenly,
he was frantically racing around the house. And his head
was stuck in the garbage sack and he was spewing his poop
and litter all over our house!
Then
he was gone and all was quiet. My wife Kristi looked and
looked for him and called out again and again, "Midnight!
Midnight!" but he didn't answer. 20 minutes later she finally
found him hiding in the dark under our bed. She got the bag
off his head and she cleaned up him and the house - what a
mess! (I wasn't home so I was spared.)
Two days
later he was still hiding. So Kristi went looking for him
again, calling and calling, but he wouldn't come. Finally
she found him, trembling in a dark and dusty corner under
Jenny's bed. She took him down to the laundry room and he
stood there shaking with his black hair standing straight
up on end! I mean he was scared out of his fur!
Gently,
she picked him up and held him in her lap and petted him for
an hour while she talked to him in soothing words. Finally,
he started purring and ate and used his litter. Then he was
back to hanging out with the family, though still he was rather
skittish for a few days and needed extra loving. I told Kristi,
who is a Marriage and Family Therapist, that she ought to
become a pet therapist!
You know
you and I are just like our cat Midnight. We put our noses
where they don't belong and get caught in sin. We make a
mess of our lives. We feel ashamed and get scared. Then
we hide in fear.
But Jesus
sees us the whole time. He calls out to each of us by name.
He gives us His Word and He sends people in the Body of Christ
to help us. But still we hide. Until finally, he finds us
and we let Him help us. And He forgives us, cleans us up,
calms us down, feeds us, and puts us on our feet.
That's
a picture of how God reconciles us to Himself. And that's
the key theological principle behind how people grow. We
need to be reconciled to God and (this is also a part of it)
we need to be reconciled to one another.
2 Corinthians
5:20 says, "We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though
God were making His appeal through us. We implore you on
Christ's behalf: Be reconciled to God." This message
is so important to me and to my sense of my life calling from
God that I've made this my "life verse." In everything I
do I want to be "God's ambassador."
WHY
MANY CHRISTIANS ARE DISCOURAGED
In 17
years as a psychotherapist what I've seen many Christians
who are struggling in their faith because God's reconciliation
hasn't seemed to really work for them. They've consulted
me for help with different things - depression, anxiety, victimization,
compulsive behavior, marriage problems, family conflicts -
but very often an important part of their struggle is that
God is not in the picture in the loving way that He's meant
to be. They may have.
-
Distorted,
damaging images of God as harsh, impossible to please,
sabotaging, or just detached
-
Faith that's just rational and not experiential
- Commitment
to their religion, but not much relationship with God and
people in the Body of Christ
- Worked
hard to serve God and minister to people, but not on getting
their own needs met
- Disenchantment
or even bitterness at God and the church over ways they
feel let down
Typically,
what's going on is that they've recreated the painful struggles
from their family of origin in their spiritual life. The
unresolved issues in their character effect how they relate
to God and others.
What's
missing? They haven't worked God's laws of growth deep into
their souls
HOW
TO GROW YOUR SOUL IN GOD'S GARDEN
In "How
People Grow" Henry Cloud and John Townsend present four laws
of growth, four ways that we need to trust God in order to
grow psychologically and spiritually. These four laws of
growth boil down to this: To heal from our hurts, to overcome
our struggles, to meet our needs, to grow into maturity, to
live a fulfilling life we need to rely on God and use His
resources. I'd like to share with you my understanding of
these four laws for soul growth.
1.
Rely on God as Your Source
Paul
taught us, "My God shall meet all your needs according
to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus." (Phil 4:19)
God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in
all things at all times, having all that you
need, you will abound in every good work." (2 Cor 9:8)
God meets our needs directly through His Spirit and through
Jesus, but also through our relationships with people in the
Body of Christ, and He does is so that we grow in doing good
works.
And in
John 15 we read Jesus' teaching that He is the vine, the Father
is the Gardener, and we are the branches that can bear no
good fruit unless we're connected to the vine. Again the
idea is that God meets our needs so that we can grow and produce
fruit.
Do
you really believe this? That God wants to meet all your
needs? Often we live like we don't believe this! There are
many things that we rely on for our well-being besides God
and what He provides.
Let's
come up with a list. What are some of the things that people
turn to instead of God to feel good or to feel that they can
manage life?
- Money
- Drugs,
alcohol, food, sex
- Work
- Self
(self-sufficiency: Lone Ranger, "I can do it all myself")
- Approval
from people (acceptance of our true self is what God wants
for us)
- Religion
(can be compulsive, legalistic)
- Bible
(spiritualizing is a form of denial)
2.
Respect God's Control
God is
the Potter and we are the clay. He molds us as He sees fit
and our role is to submit to his molding and be the vessel
he's called us to be. But there's something in each one of
us that wants to mold our own lives. We want to be our own
boss. We want to be in control. We don't want to submit
to God! It's part of our sin nature.
We especially
see this in how we tend to deal with wounds like growing up
with abuse, emotional neglect, alcoholism, or emotional chaos.
We don't want to get hurt again so we try to control things
instead of relying on God and His resources. But this only
makes things worse for us. The more we try to control things
outside of ourselves that we're not responsible for the more
we lose control of what we are responsible for.
There
are a number of ways that we try to be in control aren't there?
Let's make another list. We might.
-
Deny
our feelings and needs
-
Act like we're ideal, trying to impress people with how
good or strong we are
-
Try to please people to "make" them like us
-
Nag
people to do what we want them to do
-
Intimidate
others with our anger or position of power
-
Hook
up with someone else who is real needy or who has an addiction
or other problems so we can play the role of the strong
one
-
Hook
up with someone who seems really strong and let this person
control us
-
a
substance or activity to feel confident and on top of
our pain and stress or to just forget about it
When
we respect that God is in control instead of trying to control
events and people then an amazing thing happens: we start
to gain self-control over things like compulsive behaviors
and emotional outbursts. The "Serenity Prayer" says
it well, "God grant me the serenity to accept the things
I cannot change, the courage to change what I can, and the
wisdom to know the difference."
3.
Receive God's Grace
We
need to let God be the Judge. He is the Creator and He
alone is Righteous and worthy to judge or condemn people.
Of course, the amazing thing is that He offers grace instead!
As
Jesus did to the woman caught in adultery. The religious
leaders wanted to stone her, but Jesus said, "Let him
who is without sin throw the first stone." They all
walked away, convicted by their own sins, knowing that they
didn't have the right to judge. But Jesus had the right
to condemn her. Instead he said, "Woman, where are your
accusers? Has no one condemned you? Go and be free and
sin no more!"
If
only we would receive his grace and pass it on! Instead
of "judging and condemning" ourselves and others we need
to "experience and evaluate." Let's look at the difference:
Judging
& Condemning |
Experiencing
& Evaluating |
"I'm
above you and even God." |
"We're
both struggling. I give and receive empathy." |
"I
see you and me as bad and un-loveable." |
"We
need grace. I give and receive God's forgiveness." |
"I
set the standard for you and me." |
"We
both need God's help to follow His standard." |
4.
Regard God's Rules
God
is the Law Giver. We're to study his Word and obey. Of
course, we all fail at this, again and again, every last
one of us. And this is a huge problem. Our sins cause
us pain and difficulty and leave us guilty before God.
But if we admit our sins and cry out for God's mercy and
strength through faith in Jesus Christ then everything changes.
We
learn that, "God's Word is a lamp onto me feet." We see
that all of God's rules are like the owners manual, they
show us how we are meant to live. And so we look to God
for the strength to follow Him.
AN
EXAMPLE OF HOW THE GROWTH PROCESS WORKS
Let's
look at an example of how someone I know grew psychologically
and spiritually by relying on God in these four ways.
I'll
call him "Beau." Beau was 29 years old when I met him.
He'd been a Christian since joining Young Life in high school.
He went to church every week, read the Bible and prayed,
and he was in a Bible Study group. He knew a lot about
God and the Christian life, but it wasn't working well for
him.
He
grew up in an alcoholic home that was emotionally chaotic.
At any time his dad might rage or his mom might fall apart
in tears. The rest of the time he was just lost as the
middle child in a large family. But he didn't think any
of this mattered much.
He
had struggled with pornography on and off for many years
and as a Christian he knew this was a problem, but he kept
thinking that if he tried harder he could learn to resist.
Until he crossed a line he never thought he'd cross: He
paid a woman for sexual favors. So finally, he asked for
help. With embarrassment and trembling and tears he confessed
his sins to me and told me his story.
In
time I helped him to see that "trying harder just leads
to more of the same." His approach wasn't working. Trying
harder to be self-sufficient and sexually pure would just
lead to more failure and shame. What was wrong and how
did things turn around for Beau?
He
had to start relying on God as his source.
Initially
he wasn't looking to God for comfort when he was lonely
as a single man or when he was tired from a long work day;
he was isolating and using pornography and sex. Instead
he learned to pray immediately and specifically for God's
comfort when he was tempted. And he'd call for help from
me, his 12-Step Sponsor, or a friend. In his therapy in
particular he learned how to share his deep feelings and
needs with me and to feel supported. In doing so he felt
God's compassion and caring.
He
needed to respect God's control.
He
grew up in an alcoholic home so "Don't talk. Don't feel.
Don't trust." Were the rules he followed. Also, he was
good at acting happy and strong and putting forth the ideals
what people wanted to see in order to get them to like him.
These were his ways to stay in control. Of course, this
emotionally detached, ideal self state were a big part of
his sexual addiction.
After
he paid for sexual favors he "hit bottom." This ended up
being a good thing because it got him to admit that he was
out of control and couldn't overcome his compulsive behavior
without help. He gave control of his life over to God.
Gradually
in therapy he learned to let his painful feelings about
his childhood and his loneliness come to the surface. It
felt scary and out of control for him to feel fear and shame
and rejection and neediness, but with my support and the
support of others he discovered he was cared for and that
the process helped him learn to manage his feelings. Also
he started to bring his true self into his friendships and
dating relationships instead of trying to manage what people
thought of him. To his surprise he felt accepted and developed
closer, more satisfying relationships.
So
instead of controlling his feelings with denial and controlling
what people thought of him by being ideal and controlling
relationships by detaching and sexualizing he learned healthy
self-control. He learned to rely on the structure of therapy
sessions, 12-Step meetings, and reading from the Bible and
books on addiction.
He
needed to receive God's grace.
Beau
had been living under the law. He knew about God's grace,
but he hadn't really experienced it in his soul. So when
I met him he had been beating himself up pretty bad about
his sexual immorality. He wasn't letting God be his judge;
he was judging and condemning himself. And he was trying
to work his way out of his mess by trying harder to do what
the law says he should: "Don't lust."
Every
time he used pornography he'd ask for God's forgiveness,
but it wasn't sticking for him. He wasn't really relying
on God to forgive him because he wasn't entrusting the deeper
parts of his soul to God.
To
experience God's mercy and grace he needed to do what James
taught in the Bible, "Confess your sins one to another
that you may be healed." To take God's grace inside
he needed a "god with skin on," an "ambassador for the Lord."
When I and his sponsor and a friend gave him grace in the
face of his sexual sins he felt God's presence like never
before. He finally felt cleansed.
He
needed to regard God's rules.
When
Beau sought help and invested himself in his therapy and
his recovery things turned around for him. At a new level,
deep in his soul he asked God to be his boss and to help
him follow his rules. When he read the Bible it was all
new to him because his soul was opened up to God. He was
trusting God to lead him and to help him follow the teachings
of Scripture.
He
finally got God's law of "sowing and reaping" working in
his favor; he sowed good seed by doing things God's way
and he reaped some good fruit in his life, fruit that he
was learning to share with others too.
RESOURCES
ON SPIRITUAL GROWTH
I've
written a number of encouraging articles on Spiritual Growth.
Go to www.NewHopeNow.org,
click on "articles" on the left for an indexed archive of
all the articles I've written for callers, chatters, the
public, and you. Look under "Spirituality" and you'll find
articles like "God Seeks Your Spiritual Growth," "God is
a Loving Father," "Hear God Say, 'I Love You,'" and many
others. (This is my favorite subject to teach and write
on!)
REFERRALS
ON SPIRITUALITY
I hope
you've spent some time reviewing our "New Hope Referrals."
New Hope volunteer Diane Hohnbaum and I have put many hours
into developing this indexed guide of support organizations
and I update it monthly. Again go to our public website,
www.NewHopeNow.org. (It's also in binders
in each of our phone booths on Tower 5.) Click on "Referrals"
and then "Spiritual & Churches." There you'll find a
range of organizations with phone numbers and websites,
like, The Robert Schuller Institute which can find a Positive
Christian Church for callers and chatters, The Christian
Research Institute which offers Biblical and historically
researched answers on theology and cults, and an organization
called Survivors of Spiritual Abuse.
NEXT
CE CLASS
In the
class, "When to Embrace Pain and When to Avoid It" I'll
show you four different types of pain that we all experience
in life, what God's role is in each type, how he wants us
to respond, and how we can help New Hope callers and chatters
with the type of pain they're in.
EXAM
For
CE credit and for learning take the exam for this class,
which is linked below.Then, on your honor, score it yourself,
using the answer key linked below. Send verification to
SheilaS@CrystalCathedral.org
so that we can track your progress toward a New Hope CE
award for 2003 (completing 11 out of 11 classes).
To help
you with the counseling role play you'll want to reference:
"Responses to Avoid in New Hope Counseling,"
http://www.newhopenow.org/counselors/case.studies/responses.avoid.html
And
"The A-B-C's of New Hope Counseling Checklist,"
http://www.newhopenow.org/counselors/case.studies/abcs.html
CE
Exam
