New
Hope CE Notes, June 30 2001
Dr.
Bill Gaultiere
Director
of New Hope & Psychologist with ChristianSoulCare.com
(714)
971-4213, DrBill@CrystalCathedral.org
WELCOME
Thank you for taking this class! Your concern for people with
father wounds and others who are hurting warms my heart. Your
desire to learn and grow as a helper and in your life is a great
encouragement to me. After all, what's a teacher without students?
So thank you for letting me teach you, for teaching me from
your experience, and for encouraging me with your service and
your feedback.
I pray that this class blesses you and your relationship with
your Heavenly Father.
GOALS
OF THIS CLASS
1. Learn the foundational
things that children need from their fathers and that ultimately
we all need from our Heavenly Father.
2. Prepare your heart
to be compassionate towards those with father wounds - children,
adult children, and fathers.
3. Apply the basic
New Hope counseling skills - most especially active listening
- to support those with father wounds.
FATHER'S
DAY MAY STIR UP PAIN
Father's
day is a difficult time for many people. I've talked to people
who can't find a card for their dad or who dread seeing him.
Just thinking about "Father" may evoke pain or discomfort for
those who were mistreated, criticized, or neglected by their
fathers. They may feel hurt, scared or angry. Others feel
nothing because they had little connection to him.
On
the other side, dads may struggle too because their children
don't appreciate them or have become estranged from them.
WHAT
CHILDREN NEED FROM A DAD
1. Provision. God
has meant for fathers to provide a home that is a safe place.
This includes material and emotional provision, protection,
and caring. This speaks to our most basic developmental need:
to trust in someone's care and to become bonded to him/her.
Typically, the mother is the most important nurturer, but it's
important to have some of this from dad too. He should support,
back up, and fill in for Mom. Getting this need met from dad
helps children to trust him for their other needs.
2. Play. Children,
especially smaller children, live on the floor. They like to
be in a world of play - games, imagination, whatever is fun.
How special it is when dad takes with his children to play a
game, laugh and joke around, or cheer them on their activity.
For instance, from before my kids could walk and still today
at ages 5, 8, and 10 they have enjoyed wrestling on the on the
floor with me and playing "rough and tough," which includes
lots of hugs, kisses, and giggles.
3. Purpose. Children
need to be taught and disciplined. They need to learn good
values and morals. They need to be encouraged to use their
gifts. They have so much to learn about life. Children need
this guidance from their fathers. I like to look for "teachable
moments" with my kids. The other day we were all watching a
behind the scenes look at the success of "The Dick Van Dyke
Show" when Rosalyn Carter, in her recent interview, (she was
Sally on the show) took God's name in vain with a very crass
tone. So I pointed out to my kids what she did and said that
she shouldn't have done that.
4. Power. The goal
of parenting is to raise responsible and loving adults. To
get from childhood to adulthood kids need to be "empowered"
by an adult they love and respect. A child who is bonded to
his/her dad, admires him, and receives encouragement and praise
from his enters adulthood with confidence!
THE
FATHER FROM WHOM ALL FATHERHOOD DERIVES IT'S NAME
I
believe that dads are commissioned by God to model and mediate
the Heavenly Father's love to their children. What a tremendous
opportunity and responsibility. And what a difficulty it is
for some people to experience God as a loving Father if they
haven't experienced that from their dads. (More on that in
a minute.)
Provision,
play, purpose, and power are what we need from God too. In
the Bible we read that God offers these things to us, and so
much more!
Reflect
on the following sample of Bible verses that reveal our Father
God's love for us:
'"[The
Father] guarded him as the apple of his eye." - Deuteronomy
32:10
"A Father
to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy
dwelling. God sets the lonely in families, he leads forth
the prisoners with singing." - Psalm 68:5-6
"How
much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to
those who ask him!" - Matthew 7:11
'"Your
Father in heaven is not willing that any one of these little
ones should be lost." - Matthew 18:14
"Jesus
answered, `I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one
comes to the Father except through me.. Anyone who has seen
me has seen the Father." - John 14:6,9
'"And
I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor
[or Comforter] to be with you forever - the Spirit of Truth."
- John 14:16
"For
you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again
to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by
him we cry, `Abba, Father [or Pa Pa, Father].'" - Romans
8:15
"I will
be a Father to you and you will be my sons and daughters,
says the Lord Almighty." - 2 Corinthians 6:18 & 2 Samuel
7:14
"Praise
be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has
blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing
in Christ. For he chose us.. In love he predestined us
to be adopted as his [children]." - Ephesians 1:3-5
"Through
[Christ] we. have access to the Father by one Spirit." -
Ephesians 2:18
"[God
is] the Father from whom all fatherhood derives its name."
- Ephesians 3:15
"Now
to [the Father] who is able to do immeasurably more than
all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at
work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ
Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."
- Ephesians 3:20-21
"How
great is the love the Father has lavished on us that we
should be called children of God!" - 1 John 3:1
HOW
TO CONNECT WITH FATHER
1.
Honor your Dad. This is very difficult for
those with father wounds. A OneCommunity (Crystal Cathedral
website message board) user struggled with this. He said, "How
can God tell me to honor a father who raged at me and abused
me?" I replied by asking him to think about "honor" and what
it means. Some behavior is honorable and some is not. So I
think we're to appreciate the good in our fathers and forgive
the bad. To do this we need to treat our fathers, and the role
they've played in our lives, with significance.
2.
Healing from hurts and unmet needs. One
woman whose father was an alcoholic, a womanizer, and was abusive
of her used the book "Father Hunger" to help her process her
hurt and anger at her father, to come to terms with what he
did and the unmet needs she has lived with and to learn to receive
comfort from safe people. This grieving process helped her
begin to see her Heavenly Father's love more clearly.
3.
Experiencing new "fatherly" care. Child
needs that dad didn't meet still need to be met. Most people
have difficulty receiving fathering as adults. Pastors, counselors,
sponsors, mentors, friends, and others may provide some help.
4.
Faith. Ultimately, we need to reach out
to our Father God in faith. We need to believe in what is unseen
and wait for what is un-experienced. I think that making progress
on the first three steps above help to give our faith a boost.
Spiritual disciplines like meditation on Scripture (especially
on positive images like the Good Shepherd in Psalm 23 and the
Loving Father in Luke 16).
A WORD TO DADS
If
you're a dad - especially if you're an imperfect dad like me!
- it can be hard to take a serious look at your father wounds
because you end up looking in the mirror too. Some people when
they see that they've passed on certain hurts to their kids
feel a shame and a regret that is paralyzing and makes them
want to avoid the issue. You need to learn to be able to tolerate
this, to admit to your badness and still see your goodness.
One
father who passed on quite a bit of his pain and didn't realize
it until his kids were grown learned to find forgiveness and
acceptance. And he learned that it wasn't too late for him
to make some changes that would have a positive impact on his
kids. And it's never too late to say "I'm sorry."
For
those dads who are estranged from their children or separated
from them you can always pray for them. Prayer is so valuable!
NEW HOPE FOR THOSE WITH FATHER WOUNDS
When talking or chatting with
someone who has father wounds we use our basic New Hope Counseling
skills: "T.L.C. for S.O.S."
Triage.
Focus on the main problem.
Listen.
Use your active listening skills. Ask open-ended questions
to draw the person out. Summarize the gist of what you're hearing.
Reflect back what the person seems to be feeling/experiencing/needing.
Collaborate.
Near the end of the call help person to think of an action step.
Select
Referral. Always ask yourself if a referral or resource
is appropriate. If so then offer some options.
Offer
Prayer.
Set Boundaries.
It's your job to end the call when it's time and to do so graciously.
REFFERAL
ORGANIZATIONS FOR THE PUBLIC
National
Center for Fathering: Information for many father situations
and issues, training for fathers, research on fathering, 1-800-593-DADS
(3237), www.fathers.com.
Focus
on the Family: Christian information and resources for spouses,
parents, and children; Dr. Dobson's radio ministry and resources,
1-800-A-FAMILY (232-6459), www.family.org.
"Abuse
& Violence"
"Relationships
(Including Marriage and Parenting)"
FREE
RESOURCES FOR THE PUBLIC
Here
are some of my self-help articles from www.NewHopeNow.org
that may be appropriate resources for those with father wounds.
"Hear
God Say `I Love You.'"
"Strategies
to Strengthen Self-Esteem"
"God
Image Questionnaire"
(Self-test)
Healing Father Wounds
CE Exam
|
