How
to Care and Connect by Listening
Dr.
Bill Gaultiere
Executive
Director of New Hope
Listen.
Do you do it? Do you offer a listening ear to those who need
to share their hearts? Do you know what it feels like to be
listened to? There is perhaps no better way to show that we
care for someone and to connect with them than to listen - really
listen with your heart - to what they have to say. It sounds
simple, to just listen, but it isn't.
Many people don't know how to listen well. I know I didn't.
Of course, I was taught listening skills early on in my graduate
training in psychology, but my best lessons came from my wife.
It was through her disappointments and frustrations with me
early in our marriage (we were married in 1986) that I learned
not to give advice, but instead to listen with my heart and
then to demonstrate my understanding and care by reflecting
her feelings.
Perhaps
my most powerful lessons in listening came from the experience
of having my own feelings and struggles really listened to.
During this same period of young adulthood I learned how to
receive and benefit from listening. Previously, I had been so
focused on other people’s feelings and concerns
that I didn’t listen well to my own self. When I learned
to share my heart with good listeners, like my wife, friends,
and a therapist I discovered the most wonderful blessings —
peace, caring, validation, aliveness, new insights, and so much
more!
Whatever your place in life is you can apply active listening
to all of your interactions with people. Doing so will help
people feel cared for. It’ll build intimacy in your relationships.
It’ll help you to grow in wisdom and to succeed in life.
And don’t forget to ask for the listening that you need
too!
I
teach active listening to spouses and parents in counseling,
to our New Hope volunteers who answer crisis calls, and recently
to our teen volunteers answering the phones for Teenline. Learning
to listen is a matter of offering a caring heart and implementing
six simple and practical ideas in the way that you respond to
others. To remember these six skills I like to use the acronym:
"L-I-S-T-E-N."
Loving,
nonjudgmental attitude. It’s a must. It enables you
to step into another's shoes and begin to understand. Be open-minded
and gracious, as nothing closes a heart faster than criticism
and prejudice.
Invite
self-disclosure with open-ended questions. Help others open
up by asking something like, "Tell me what happened?" or "How
do you feel about that?" Avoid questions that can be answered
with "yes" or "no."
Summarize
what you're hearing. It’s important to verify that
you understand the person’s issue by saying something like,
"What I'm hearing you say is..." or "I’m understanding
that you’re concerned about…" Don't give solutions
or advice. Don’t try to fix the person’s problem or
concern, as that undermines helping by putting responsibility
for the issue on you instead of the one in need.
Timely
reflection of feelings. Affirming people’s
feelings (inner emotions, experiences, and felt needs) is key.
Focus on the person’s feelings more than the surrounding
facts or their perceptions of others by saying things like,
"It sounds like you feel...." "It seems that you need...."
Even-tempered
listening. Stay calm; don't react. Contain your feelings
and think before you speak. Emotional reactions (e.g., shock,
surprise, anger, disgust, pain, fear) shut people down. They
need your help to stay focused on their own feelings.
Nonverbal
cues. Offering an occasional "Mm hmm," "Oh,"
a steady gaze, and a warm smile help people know that you're
listening.
Now
that you know what it means to really listen, ask yourself,
do you listen to your family, friends, and co-workers? Better
yet, ask them! They know and they’ll tell you!
"Everyone
should be quick to listen, slow to speak…" (James
1:19, NIV)
"Let
the wise listen and add to their learning." (Proverbs 1:5,
NIV)
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