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New
Hope CE Notes, August 2000
Dr.
Bill Gaultiere
(714)
971-4213,
DrBill@CrystalCathedral.org
The
purpose of this CE class is to increase your ability to respond
with compassion and effectiveness to survivors of sexual abuse.
Please respond to this class with your questions, insights,
or comments in "Counselor Discussions" at www.NewHopeOnline.org/counselors.
SAFE
PLACES ARE HARD TO FIND
Safe places
are hard for all of us to find, especially if youíve been abused.
- What
is a safe place? A relationship in which you are free to be
yourself and are loved and esteemed for who you are.
- Children
need a safe place to grow and develop.
- 1/3 women
and 1/5 men have been sexually abused.
- 1/5 children
who regularly socialize on the internet have encountered strangers
wanting cybersex
- Those
who have been abused or emotionally wounded need a safe place
to heal.
SEXUAL
ABUSE SEVERITY FACTORS
All
sexual abuse is serious and has damaging impact. Here are the
four factors that make it more severe.
- The younger
the victim
- The more
important the perpetrator is to the child (parent, spouse,
relative, clergy, teacher, friend, acquaintance, stranger)
- The more
intense the sexual abuse (violence, intercourse, touching,
exposure, verbal)
- The more
frequently it happens
EFFECTS
OF SEXUAL ABUSE
The
"Bittersweet Tree" illustration by Incest Survivors
Anonymous shows how the root of sexual abuse grows into a tree
branching into many life problems. See www.siawso.org.
- Relational
problems (mistrust, isolation, abusive or chaotic relationships)
- Losses
(virginity, innocence, what needed as a child
- Boundary
problems (sexually, asserting self, violating self or others)
- Emotional
problems (low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, perfectionism)
- Escaping
behavior (denial, eating disorders, alcohol, drug abuse)
- Damaged
Faith (religious perpetrator, "Where was God?")
- Unrealized
potential
THE
HEALING PROCESS FOR "ADULT CHILDREN" SURVIVORS
Hereís
a list of seven aspects to the healing process for survivors
of sexual abuse. Each of the seven aspects corresponds to the
seven effects of sexual abuse above.
- Finding
a safe place. Emotional healing only happens in the context
of safe relationships. For many, calling New Hope is a first
step at finding a safe place to heal.
- Grieving.
Look for callersí sense of loss, hurt or sadness and if thatís
where they are then invite them to share that by saying things
like:
- "You
must feel very hurt by that. Tell me more about it."
- "It
seems that you feel youíve lost something very precious."
- "I
hear that youíre really hurting."
- Anger
work. When someone has been violated anger is an appropriate
response. Some people need help expressing their angry feelings
or using their aggressive energy to protect or assert themselves.
If anger is where the caller is at it may be appropriate to
say something like:
- "It
sounds like youíre furious at him/her."
- "Iíd
be angry too if he/she did that to me."
- "What
can you do to protect yourself from this happening again?"
- Self-esteem
building. People who have been abused or mistreated may feel
"eligible" or deserving of such treatment. Theyíve
been treated badly so they feel badly about themselves.
- New coping
skills. Itís important to replace defenses and compulsive
behaviors with more constructive and helpful ways of responding
to abuse and pain. If this is the callerís need then you can
brainstorm with him or her by saying something like, "What
can you do for yourself when you feel this way?" For
instance:
- Going
to a 12-step meeting when tempted to abuse a drug or overeat.
- Calling
a friend to talk instead of isolating.
- Renewed
faith. Survivors of abuse may have a damaged image of God
and a weakened faith and be missing out on a most valuable
resource. If this emerges as the prominent issue the focus
your active listening and compassion and prayer in this area,
realizing that you are representing God.
- Helping
others. Occasionally, itís appropriate for callers to be encouraged
to share their "experience, strength, and hope"
with others, which will help them too.
SURVIVORS
SPEAK OUT
Itís important
for New Hope counselors to be aware of what it feels like to
be sexually abused and how hard it can be to heal and to recover
from this. Note that part of the healing for each of the following
people is sharing their story, like we do in the New Hope training
small groups.
The "Confrontation
Letter" illustrates the importance of anger and assertiveness
and boundary setting in the healing process. Itís always healing
and helpful for survivors to write a letter like this, but they
should consider carefully whether or not they want to actually
send such a letter.
"Just
Ten Years Old" by Cindi, www.survivors-and-friends.org
I was just 10 years old needing to cry,
but only thought of the want to die.
I was just 10 years old needing to trust,
but in return, I received only lust.
I was just 10 years old in need of protection,
but no one thought to look in my direction.
I was just 10 years old trying to tell in any way I could,
but no one listened nor understood.
I was just 10 years old playing the game,
but win or lose it was always the same.
I was just 10 years old, not even an adult,
but my body responded and made it my fault.
I was just 10 years old, he said I was to blame,
but I could only agree for my body felt such shame.
I was just 10 years old wanting to ask why,
but was told I better keep the lie.
I was just 10 years old and already in Hell,
but filled with fear, I could not tell.
I was just 10 years old, not quite so bold,
but now at 22, I donít do as Iím told.
I was just 10 years oldóI was not the sinner,
and through it all, I will come out the WINNER!
"Once
is Enough," Bobís story from www.malesurvivor.org.
I was
12 years old.
Sandy
(swimming teacher) invited me on a weekend trip. He stopped
by my home in his full-size convertible to pick me up. What
did I think and feel about it? What did my parents think and
feel about it? I donít know.
We would
drink if I wanted to. I would drive his car. We would shoot
rats with .22s at a garbage dump. We would go see a parade.
Lots of fun, the excitement of disapproved activities with
a figure who had authority over meóinto whose care my parents
had entrusted meópromised me a fulfillment I seemed to be
seeking.
The
first night we stopped at a Holiday Inn on Route 40. We ate
dinner together in the dining room. Sandy showed me how to
back dive in the motel pool. We went to bed. He showed me
about sex. Not sexual abuse, homosexuality. Not love, sex.
He took lots of pictures with his state-of-the-art Polaroid
on a tripod with a timer on the shutter. We would destroy
the pictures at the dump, he said. We never made it to the
dump.
Years
later I started therapy for depression. My counselor focused
on the sexual abuse incident. I pointed out that it was just
a single night. "Once is enough," he said.
One analyst
has said that sexual abuse of a youngster by a person in authority
is tantamount to homicide of the mind. I have come to believe
that I did suffer something of a loss of mind, because through
therapy and medication for depression I sense that my reasoning,
concentration, memory, and communication skills are improving.
Iím beginning to feel with more constancy a sense of wholeness,
which by contrast reveals the inadequacy that I have been
assuming.
The areas
of emotions, boundaries, trust, and authority are still problematic
for me, but my counselor and I can plan strategies to identify
improvements and practice skills that help me become a people
person. I am learning to accept that part of me that is vulnerable
to victimization.
A Confrontation
Letter by Jane (molested many times by her brother), www.survivors-and-friends.org.
Dear Mom
and Dad:
Thank
you for replying to my letter. I have a better understanding
of your feelings at this time regarding the incest.
You said
in your reply, "We quite honestly do not know just what
you expect of us." That seems to be a true statement.
I think it only fair that I tell you. What I wanted from you
was love, understanding and empathy. I wanted you to believe
what I tell youónot deny the seriousness of implications;
accept responsibility for the ways you failed me; provide
helpful information as I regain my memory. What I expected
was that you would support both your children and educate
yourself by reading and seeking a counselor. I expected some
disbelief and anger, but not blame.
What I
have received has been worse than I thought you capable of.
In the face of clear memories, confessions, and Momís eyewitness
account, I am faced with complete denial (Dadís letter claimed
that sexual abuse was "simply foreign to our way of life"),
minimization (Momís comments about "years in question"
and "whatever happened in the past"), hostility
(the tone of your replies), rejection (Mom said, "You
are no longer the little girl..."), and blame ("Jane
was mean so Jim had to move out," and "Janeís not
well"). I am told that my parents were perfect, my childhood
ideal, and my abuser saintly. I am continually shown how you
protect him from me, but will not protect me from him. I have
been rejected because I told the truth. Even though you know
the truth, you are angry at me because the truth makes you
uncomfortable and, as Mom said in the beginning, I "spoiled
your dinner."
Perhaps
this letter can clarify the situation. You need to know the
truth in order to make intelligent decisions.
My childhood
was not "ideal" even though we both have some pleasant
memories. The truth is that I was sexually violated repeatedly
during most of my childhood. Jim sexually molested me from
the time I was four years old (that I remember so far). The
abuses I remember include: (Explicit details of severe abuse
follow.)
These
are just a sample of my traumatic memories. I continue to
remember more as I continue healing. Each memory comes with
a package of emotional and physical symptoms. I feel the same
things I felt during the abuse. For example: fear of closets
and showers; the feeling of someone behind me; feeling breath
on my neck; nausea and gagging; fear of seven year old boys;
suicidal feelings; intense depression; guilt and shame. The
flashbacks are always shocking and seem unreal even though
I can suddenly remember the events so clearly.
You, too,
are experiencing the natural consequences of incest. You tell
me that some things are hurtful to discuss with Jim. You are
annoyed that people "know," and you feel jumpy when
the phone rings, etc. Had you handled the incest years ago,
we would not be in this difficult situation now. I am not
responsible for the consequences of choices you made; therefore,
I refuse to accept any blame. You have been very proud of
your work as a social worker, with the foster home, and with
the Childrenís Home Society. You knew that child sexual abuse
existed (contrary to Dadís letter), and you must have known
and recognized the symptoms in me. You have no one to blame
but yourselves. You are without excuse in your failure to
recognize and correct the problems of long-term incest and
other sexual abuse.
You may
be thinking again, "we quite honestly do not know just
what you expect of us." I expect you to make a choice.
The first option is permanent separation: we would no longer
consider ourselves parent and daughter. Although part of me
still loves and needs you, I donít want you as parents because
your behavior is unhealthy for me (dysfunctional), and you
refuse to provide the love and support I need. I fully anticipate
this option may continue to be your choice. That is why I
felt it necessary to write this letter of confrontation. I
expect this letter could be our last communication. Permanent
separation means no letters, calls, cards, gifts, or visits
of any kind to any member of my family for any reason.
The second
option would be intervention. You could arrange a trip to
Seattle and meet with me and my psychologist daily for one
week at your expense. This is the only possible alternative
for many reasons. First it would demonstrate a sincere willingness
on your part to change. It would provide you with the counseling
you need as parents of a sexual offender and of a victim.
It would be a way for you to accept some responsibility for
your role in the abuse. It would be a show of love and support
for me. Finally, it would be the only way I would ever communicate
with you again.
I refuse
to be hurt by your response to this letter. The only reply
I will accept is your itinerary mailed from your travel agent.
Any other form of communication will not be accepted. If I
do not hear form you by August 1, I will assume you have made
your choice at this time.
NEW
HOPE COUNSELOR RESPONSE
- Actively
L-I-S-T-E-N (Loving attitude, Invite self-disclosure
with open-ended questions, Summarize, Timely
reflect feelings, Even tempered, Nonverbal cues.)
Establish trust by being a caring listener and demonstrating
trustworthiness. This is the most important part of the call
and where most of the time should be spent. Donít say things
like: "I care" or "You can trust me" or
"Go ahead and share." Donít quickly refer the caller
to someone else; he/she called to talk to you so do your best
to offer active listening and caring.
- Validate
feelings, not perceptions. Focus callers on what theyíve
experienced and what they need not on their perceptions of
others or what others should do differently.
- Triage:
focus on the most urgent/salient step of 1-7 in "The
Healing Process" above, as thatís probably all you can
manage or have time for on hotline or in chat room.
- Offer
referrals, if appropriate. Near the end of the
call consider offering one or more of the following resources
for sexual abuse survivors.
REFERRALS
FOR SURVIVORS
See
New Hope Referrals under "Abuse & Violence"
and "Sexuality." This extensive national referral
guide is on our websites and a folder is in each booth. Hereís
a few examples:
- Abuse
Recovery for Survivors and Friends: Information
and online support for sexual abuse survivors and their loved
ones, www.survivors-and-friends.org.
- National
Organization on Male Sexual Victimization: Information,
discussion boards, and reporting on sexually violated males,
1-800-738-4181, www.malesurvivor.org.
- OASISS:
Christian Alliance for Sexual Recovery 1-888-435-7467,
www.helpandhope.org.
- Survivors
of Incest Anonymous: 12-Step support groups for those
sexually violated by a family member, 1-410-282-3400,
www.siawso.org.
- Tamarís
Voice: Christian-based support and information
for victims of clergy sexual abuse, 1-714-832-1665,
www.tamarsvoice.org.
Recovery from Sexual Abuse
CE Exam
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