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You probably talk with a resentful person during most of your shifts on the New Hope hotline or chat room.  If you’re not care-full, trying to help people like this will make you frustrated, tired, depressed, cranky, and resentful!  Then the caller or chatter’s resentment will have come full circle, eroding and overcoming your faith, hope, love, joy, and peace so that you too become resentful.  In that case, you may even burn out on giving New Hope Counseling.

What are the psychological dynamics of resentment?  What is God’s antidote for this poison of the soul?  How do you care for resentful people?

IS ANGER GOOD OR BAD?

Our topic is resentment.  Most people know that resentment is a bad thing, but usually the people who are resentful don’t think they are!  They just say they’re angry.  And since resentment is a form of anger we really need to understand anger in order to learn how to deal with resentment – our own and that of other people, like those who reach out to us at New Hope.

Anger is one of the most important and yet least understood of emotions. 

Some people will tell you that anger – or, at least, “righteous anger” – is good, that we need it to deal with injustice and be assertive.  And we all know from experience that when we’re angry at someone we feel righteous about it.  We’ll have an ongoing argument with someone in our head and be convinced that we’re right and the other is wrong.  People like this will quote Ephesians 4:6, “Be angry and sin not.”  But, the better translation of this verse is, “In your anger, do not sin.”  Clearly, the Apostle Paul is not giving us a command to “Be angry”!

All the way on the other extreme are people who say that anger is a sin and they think it’s bad to feel angry.  These more cautious and soft-spoken will site Colossians 3:8 and many other similar verses that say, “Lay aside anger.” But in the Bible God has angry feelings as does Jesus.

WHAT IS ANGER?

Let’s probe deeper to understand what anger is and the function it serves.

Anger is a bodily feeling that arises spontaneously within us when our will has been crossed, when someone has interfered with what we want.  Something has been said or done that hurts us emotionally or physically. 

Anger as a feeling is not wrong.  And most people know this today.  As a feeling sensation the function of anger is like the sounding of an alarm: “You’ve been hurt!  You’ve been violated!  Your boundaries were crossed!  You’re not getting what you wanted!”

And when this internal, physiological alarm goes off, accompanied by a surge of adrenaline, we become immediately resistant, before we even have time to think about it.

It’s important that we be able to hear the alarm, to know that we feel angry.  This is a vital function.  It works like pain.  When you inadvertently touch something hot you pull your finger away before you can even think about what to do.  It’s a protective reflex.

Sometimes when we’re angry we actually have been violated and it’s appropriate to be alarmed.  More often than not, I think, we’ve misperceived the situation and our anger is overblown or completely unnecessary.  In either case, anger can cause us big problems!

ANGER PROBLEMS

Anger problems are the first sin that Jesus addresses in his Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5-7).  He does so because it is at the root of the other common problems that he goes on to address in his sermon: contempt, cultivating lust, getting out of a marriage commitment to marry someone else, verbal manipulation, failure to love, displaying your righteousness to impress other people, worry, and judging others.  If you really learn to not sin with anger against others it takes the legs out of these other sins.

Denial

Many people feel bad about or scared of their anger and so they repress it.  They ignore their anger alarm when it sounds.  This causes big problems.  And this is true whether there is good reason to feel angry or not.  In either case, it’s important that when we actually are angry that we be aware of this – and the sooner the better.

We all know that “denial” is not just a river in Egypt!  It’s a psychological defense mechanism to pretend to ourselves that we’re not experiencing something painful.  We may feel guilty about our anger.  Or we may be scared to see just how mean or uncaring a loved one is.  So we plug our ears to the alarm or we turn on happy music to drown out the ringing.  If we ignore it long enough we won’t even hear it anymore.

People who deny their anger may not seem to have a problem.  But eventually it becomes apparent.  Denying anger may lead us to trust people who are unsafe and to be repeatedly violated.  It will probably create some depression (anger turned inward) and bad feelings and a lot of problems in our relationships.  Ironically, it is also like to lead to some explosions as well because you just can’t keep a lid on boiling emotions forever.

Airing it Out

Most people today think that they should vent their anger to “get it out” and that this is the way to overcome resentment or other anger problems.  This is the pop psychology of our day.  We think that if we air out our frustration long enough or loud enough, or maybe if we pound it out on some pillows, that this will bring us relief.  But it doesn’t.

The only time that it is helpful to vent anger is in a contained setting, like counseling, and for the purpose of getting out of denial.  Raising your voice, pounding a pillow, or writing an angry letter you don’t send can help you to become aware that you’re angry and what you’re angry about.  Once you have insight into your anger and the situations that are triggering it then the alarm is working and the issue becomes how to deal with the injustice or problem that has gotten you angry. 

But what we need to understand about venting anger is that “getting it out” doesn’t resolve any problems.  It doesn’t take away your anger.  And it hurts people.  Saying or doing anything in an angry way, will usually generate an angry response in others.  Anger feeds on anger.  It’s a vicious circle.

Holding Anger

Even if you don’t lose your temper but just feel angry at someone and continue to be mad your anger will be experienced as hurtful to the one you’re angry at. 

Think about it.  Whenever you sense that a family member or friend is angry at you then you will already feel wounded.

This is because anger as response to someone includes a will to harm the person or to restrain him in a way that he doesn’t want to be tied down.  Maybe you wouldn’t actually do it, but in your thoughts and feelings you want to hurt the person back by telling him off or putting him in his place or doing something that will cause him to feel the same pain as he made you feel.  There is a degree of malice in anger and the more angry you are the more malice there is in it.

To harbor anger in this way is to keep it alive, to nurse the grudge.  We’ll constantly remind ourselves of how wrongly we’ve been treated.  And maybe we’ll run through arguments in our head.  This is resentment.

Some people harbor their anger as a protective mechanism from threatening people.  They use it to help them feel in charge and ready to deal with mistreatment when it occurs. 

Another form of retaining anger is with those people who use anger to push themselves to be or do better.  They deny being angry; they probably call it “assertiveness” or “ambition,” but it’s an aggressive drive that lives inside them.  These driven people tend to be irritable and impatient.  And they may be prone to lose their temper too.

Then there are people who hold anger against themselves.  This is quite common.  “Internalizers” turn their anger inward on themselves with self-criticisms and self-condemnations.  They don’t think they’re angry.  They just feel inadequate or depressed and probably anxious too.

Holding onto anger in any form will, of course, hurt you (even if it doesn’t hurt others) because it’s a poison to your body, mind, and spirit.

The Wounded Ego

To indulge anger is a narcissistic exercise.  When I continue in anger at someone I am wanting to make myself more important.  I am consumed with thoughts about myself or feeling sorry for myself.  And I think myself to be in the right and “better” than what’s happened.

To remain angry I need to believe that I am justified.  For the person who is angry their anger is always “righteous anger.” 

Passive-Aggressiveness

For some people who hold anger, the way their inner cesspool leaks out is with passive-aggressive behavior: sarcasm, smiling put downs, back-biting, being late for appointments, saying yes and doing no, etc.

Resentment

Resentful people are those who are embittered about past injustices.  They become negative, soured, whiny, blaming, and complaining.  They make themselves and others near them miserable! 

Nobody wants to deal with people like this so they call 714-NEW-HOPE or click onto NewHopeNow.org and talk to you!

Contempt

Contempt is a purposeful degradation of another person.  It’s expressed with name calling, harsh condemnations, or vulgar language.

Contempt is worse than anger.  To act in anger is to want to hurt someone because you’re so hurt.  To act in contempt is to not even care if you hurt the other person because they’re not worth any consideration anyway.  You’re rejecting the person utterly, discarding him or her as useless.  Contempt = attack + withdrawal.

You can see that when you feel contempt it’s much easier to hurt other people – because you just don’t care.  (See Matthew 5:22b.  Note, “Raca” was the sound made when someone cleared their throat to spit in another’s face.)

THE PROGRESSION OF ANGER PROBLEMS

Alarm → Deny or react → Hold it (may be unconscious) → Resentment → Contempt

HOW TO RESPOND TO ANGER IN OTHERS

A wise and healthy progression:

Alarm (is it true or false?) → Admit your feeling → Process (talk, pray, think) → Forgive (as Christ forgave you) → Love (even your enemy)

When the alarm sounds listen and respond calmly, wisely, and in love.  Don’t deny it or react.  (To react is to act out a feeling without thinking.)  Think and feel, back and forth, about what’s going on before you say or do anything!  (This is a wise rule of life!)  To help you do this verbalize to a confidante you respect or journal.  Do this with God to in prayer, like the psalmist does.  Learn to forgive as the Lord forgave you.  Then you can act in love for God, others, and yourself.

Imagine yourself living by the Apostle Paul’s words, “Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts” (Colossians 3:15) or “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition with thanksgiving present your requests to God and the peace of God which passes all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7).  Pray that God would help you to become this kind of person, in your heart and character.

Paul had been an angry man.  Before becoming Jesus’ disciple he persecuted and killed Christians.  And at the time of writing these letters he was in prison and was being mistreated though he did nothing wrong.  Even when mistreated he was full of love, joy, peace, and forgiveness. 

David, Hosea, Mary, Stephen, Peter, and all the heroes of our faith in the Scriptures all lived out the same message of forgiving those who wronged them and blessing those who cursed them (by relying on God’s strength and letting his mercy and grace flow through them).  Of course, this is what Jesus taught and modeled in his life and his sufferings on the cross. 

Do you want to become a person like this?  Someone who doesn’t react in anger even when others speak mean words to you?  Someone who blesses those who curse you?

I’m not talking about denying angry feelings!

I’m certainly not talking about being a doormat and letting yourself be abused!  God does not want you ground into the dirt with shame and fear.  He wants to empower you to be able to stand up for what is true and right and say no to sin and set boundaries on inappropriate behavior – not only for your own self-protection, but also because it may be the most loving thing you could do for someone else.  However there are times to simply be silent, stand in the strength of God’s love for you, and endure mistreatment for Christ’s sake, praying for the one who has persecuted you.

I’m talking about not being resentful and not taking justice into your own hands, but letting God be the judge.  “Vengeance is mine says the Lord and I will repay” (Hebrews 10:30).

This requires forgiveness.  Forgiveness is not human; it’s divine.  You need God’s help to forgive someone who has abused you or severely wounded you in some other way.  “Forgive as the Lord forgave you” (Colossians 3:13).

“Forgive and forget” is not a Bible verse!  It’s a saying that is misleading.  Forgiveness is a process.  To forgive a painful injustice you need to deal with your hurt and anger, assess how you’ve been damaged, learn from what happened, entrust your anger to God as the true Judge, and let go.  A sign (and also an aide) of forgiveness is when you can pray for your enemy and offer blessings (privately or publicly).

Getting help with our own anger and becoming someone who overflows with God’s love and kindness is the best thing we can do to prepare ourselves to deal with resentful callers. 

Then we can learn when to…

·        Listen with compassion

·        Set a boundary, like ending a call

·        Speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15)

And we can be men and women of peace – not namby, pamby, milk toast, but peaceable which is to be calm and strong in stress – when others speak or act in anger toward us.

A DISCIPLINE TO GROW IN PEACE: SUBMISSION

If we learn how to practice the discipline of submission before God it will eliminate anger problems and also anxiety.

Definition

In the discipline of submission we submit ourselves continually to Jesus and his kingdom rule, asking him to govern our lives so that we would think and desire his heavenly purposes and say and do what he is saying and doing.

“Aligning my will and freedom with God’s will and freedom.  God’s will for us includes freely submitting to each other out of love and reverence for Christ (Eph 5:21)” (Adelle Calhoun, Spiritual Disciplines Handbook).

Submission is a bad word in our culture.  It’s thought to be demeaning and is associated with abuses of power.  It’s un-American.  But Biblical submission is not a forced or harsh thing.  God gives us the free choice to submit to him or not.  And to submit to others (authorities, pastors, teachers, one another) as unto Christ.

To submit to God is to subordinate your kingdom (whatever you have say over) to God’s kingdom rule, to yield your will/heart to God’s will.  It’s to say, “Jesus be my Lord and King, the Governor of my life.  I want to follow you as my Teacher and Leader in all that I do.  This is my joy, because I trust that you know what is best for me and that you are always good to me – even when it doesn’t feel like it!

Submission is imbedded deeply in the mystery of the Trinity as Father, Son, and Spirit all honor one another above self and continually defer to one another.

Jesus’ Way

Jesus’ incarnation and life demonstrate the humble path of submission (Philippians 2:1-11).  47 times John’s gospel records Jesus submitting to God, saying things like “I have come down from heaven not to do my will but to do the will of him who sent me… Whatever I say is just what the Father has told me to say” (John 6:38, 12:50b; NIV). 

Jesus is the Word who spoke the Scriptures into existence and yet he lived in submission to those very Scriptures.  Again and again we read in the gospels that Jesus said and did certain things “so that the Scripture would be fulfilled.”  He discovered his identity, lived out his life story, and made his every decision according to the Scriptures.

The King of kings and Lord of lords even lived in submission to the very people he created!  Jesus confined himself to human flesh, was born in a stable and laid in an animal feeding trough, obeyed his parents, completed carpentry jobs for customers, submitted to John’s baptism, paid taxes, performed menial servant duties, relied on his disciples for support, surrendered to soldiers, subjected himself to illegal trials, yielded to Pilate’s verdict, capitulated to the cross, and handed over his mission to his disciples.

Cultural Process vs. Biblical Process

We tend to live by a Christianized version of the way of our culture is: I set my goals, work hard “for God”, and ask God to bless me.  It’s my life, my desires and needs, my dreams, my plans, my initiative, my energy and I try to get God to help me.  It all starts with me.

This is “engineering” my life.  If I work hard then I’ll succeed.  Or, if I follow certain biblical principles (or steps) then I can get what I want and make my life work out well.  If I approach my life this way then I’m using God to make my project of making a successful life turn out as I’d like it to. 

Submission teaches me to worship and love the Lord for who he is, because he’s good and he’s my creator and redeemer and my life belongs to him.  It teaches me to trust him as my Life-Leader and so to listen to him and follow his lead step-by-step. 

Jesus is the brilliant Engineer in life and my joy is to be a part of what he is engineering in my life!

The Lord is the Potter and I’m the clay in his hands that he’s molding into a vessel for his kingdom purposes. 

Abandoning Outcomes to God

Instead of trying to get people to like me or get situations to turn out as I want, I can learn to yield my hopes to the Lord.  I pray for his will to be done.  I do my part and then I trust him, which mostly means I sit back, pray, and wait.  He speaks and I listen.  He leads I follow.  He commands and I obey.  To be responsible means to be “response-able.” 

A little prayer God gave me in a time of disappointment helps me to practice the discipline of submission, “Lord, your will, your way, your time.”   I often use this before meetings or any conversation or situation that I have something I want or hope for.

>>> To abandon an outcome to the Lord pray, “Lord, your will, your way, your time.”  

PRACTICING THE DISCIPLINE OF SUBMISSION

Letting Jesus’ prayers of submission form your own prayers:

Here are three prayers of submission that we can learn from Jesus…

1.  The Lord’s Prayer: “Thy Kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven” (Matt 6:10). 

>>> Start your day with the prayer of submission that Jesus taught us in the Lord’s Prayer.  Here’s mine:

Dear Lord, I seek your will today.  I ask you to ordain the events of this day that is before me and use them to make me more like Jesus.  Please teach me in all situations to think your heavenly thoughts, to desire what is good, and to act with you, joining you in what you’re already doing in your kingdom.  And use me in the lives of all the people I interact with today to advance your kingdom purposes.  Amen.

2.  Self-denial in Gethsemane: “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me.  Yet, not as I will, but as you will” (Matt 26:39).

Jesus models for us the importance of honest prayer and crying out to the Father when we’re afraid, overwhelmed, and struggling painfully. 

>>> Journaling is a great way to pour your heart out to God when you’re struggling to submit.

3.  On the Cross: “Father… into your hands I commit my spirit” (Luke 23:46).

Jesus surrendered his life to his Father.  When it’s time for us to die may we die in this way!  And may we learn to follow Jesus in the “little deaths” that we must die each day as we take up our cross to follow him. 

>>> Breath Prayer exercise.  What are you having trouble surrendering to the Lord?  Try a Breath Prayer that applies Jesus’ words this way: Father… into your hands I commit ___________. 

Get quiet and still before the Lord and pray this prayer over and over.  Breathe it in and out as a “Breath Prayer.” 

Breathe in deep as you whisper, “Father.” 

Hold your breath and the Father’s love. 

Release your breath and your struggle to your Father as you whisper, “Into your hands I commit _________.” 

Try this for 5 minutes. 

Then take the Breath Prayer with you through your day, repeating it briefly as often as you can remember.

Write out your own “Blesseds”

Consider Jesus’ beatitudes (Matt 5:3-10).  These are not conditions we must meet in order to be blessed as they are usually interpreted.  They are inclusive statements that all people, even those thought not to be blessed (the spiritually bankrupt, grieving, shy, sufferers of injustice, super sensitive, simple, caught in the middle of conflict, and persecuted – all painful, undesirable conditions) are in fact blessed wonderfully when they choose to live under God’s rule (see Dallas Willard, The Divine Conspiracy)..

>>> Write out a list of your own personal beatitudes that fit your life situation. 

Make a list of your problems that you wish you didn’t have.  These may be issues you’ve been praying for God’s help with.  Don’t minimize an issue you’re struggling with just because other people have worse problems.  Maybe the problem you’re having trouble accepting has to do with money shortage, stress at work, health crisis, emotional struggle, family problem, unfulfilled dream… 

Then go to prayer. One at a time, lay your burden before Jesus by sharing honestly with Jesus about your struggle. 

Finally, for each difficulty, hear Jesus say to you, “Blessed are you (your name )   with (your problem) for yours is the kingdom of heaven.” 

In other words, though it’s not a blessing to have a health problem or to be short of money it is a wonderful blessing to realize in the midst of our trials that Jesus is our King and we live with him under his kind rule!