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New Hope CE, October 2003
William Gaultiere, Ph.D., Clinical Psychologist and Spiritual Director

BONDED RELATIONSHIPS ARE SOUL CONNECTIONS

Jesus said, "I have come to bring you LIFE."  This is not only eternal life, but real life.  It's the psychological and spiritual aliveness that begins with bonded relationships with people and with God.  But often we get confused.

Like the man who climbed to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.  Looking up, he asked, "Lord, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replied, "A minute."

And the man asked, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

"A penny," the Lord replied.

"Then can I have a penny Lord?"

God replied, "In a minute!"

WHAT IS BONDING? 

When I talk about bonding I'm speaking of soul-to-soul connections - sharing your inner self, the true and eternal you, with someone else.  This means sharing your hurts and your hopes, your struggles and needs, your values, your gifts.  It means attaching in relationship, establishing a connection that is emotional and spiritual.

Of course, we can connect with people on different levels.  Each level can have meaning for us. 

I have neighbors who I say hi to.  Maybe we talk about the weather, our gardens, or our homes, but we don't go much farther than that.

I have a friend and our daughters are in Indian Princess together and our sons are in Boy Scouts together.  That's mostly what we talked about - until he went through a divorce.

And recently I started a spiritual growth group called "Christ's Ambassadors."  Every week I meet with these six friends.  I'm discipling them, but we support and encourage and pray for one another.

I Jog and pray with a close friend every week.

I have mentors I look up to.

There are people I invest my life in - clients who come to me for therapy or spiritual direction.

And my closest relationship is with Kristi, my soul mate.

God uses all these relationships to connect my soul with Him and His love.

Here's a graph of what bonding is and isn't.  Think of it as the balance point between two unhealthy extremes in six different areas.     

Note that to be bonded with others you need to be connected to your own feelings and needs and you need to have boundaries that are firm and flexible.  All of us, more or less, tend to fall toward the extreme of detachment or enmeshment.  We may flip flop from one extreme to the other in an attempt to deal with the unhealthy aspects of the extreme we're on.  The goal is to identify your style of being and relating and move toward the middle of being more bonded.  Ironically, detached people and enmeshed people often hook up.

TO BOND YOU NEED TO R-I-S-C

People often ask me, "Why do I have to ask for what I need?"  They say. 

"He should be able to figure it out."

Or - "If I have to ask it ruins it.  I don't want people to care for me just because I asked."

Or - "I don't want to burden people with my needs."

If you don't risk you won't connect - not with people and not with God.  It's that simple.  When you trust someone you open your heart to the care you need.  When you ask for what you need you're taking ownership and responsibility for yourself.

Let me show you what I mean by telling you about Janet.  (As always when I talk about a person I've changed the name and the story around.)

Janet had heard me give a seminar and asked to talk with me.  "I need fixing," she began.  "I've made a mess of my life and I don't know where to go from here."

She went on to describe how she had thrown away a twenty-five-year marriage, her family life that included three kids in college, and a stable career as a principal of an elementary school for an affair with the school music teacher.  She moved away with him, riding on the coattails of his money and his dream of becoming a professional musician.  They had great sex and partied and traveled together.  But two years later his dream wasn't materializing and, to her surprise, she wasn't able to find a job as a principal in the school system where they lived.  She was drinking more and more and became depressed and irritable.  He had enough of her moodiness and criticism and so now he was divorcing her.

"I left my family for sex and partying.  Then I pushed away the man I gave up everything for.  How stupid is that?  Now I'm alone and working a menial administrative job in a city I don't like."

"You're disgusted with yourself," I pointed out.

"Yeah, I just can't believe I did this.  Why? For what? Now my first husband has gone on with his life and my three kids are adults, who are making their own lives.  We still have relationship, but they don't respect me.  I mean we raised them in the church and look what I did!  I don't know what to do."

I looked at her sitting straight on my couch and talking in a calm and matter-of-a-fact voice, in spite of her devastating life story that she just introduced me to, so I replied, "I hear the emptiness, not only in your life now, but in your soul."

"Yes, I've been depressed.  That's what I need you to show me how to fix.  How do I rebuild my life?"

"First we need to find some life in you."

"What do you mean?"

"I would think that right now you'd be crying or trembling or feeling sad.  But you're composed and rational.  What's going on here?  You were bored with your husband and family and career and so you traded all that for a wild fling that was exciting at first, but proved even emptier in the end.  Now instead of crying out for comfort you want to be fixed.

Janet's eyes flickered a bit against the backdrop of her blank stare.  I took that as an invitation to explain, "You're disconnected from your soul.  You're cut off from your feelings and your needs.  You were living a responsible life.  You partnered with your husband to care for three children and found meaning raising your children.  You were successful as a principal.  You went to church every week.  But you weren't really alive.  When your youngest daughter went off to college you realized that you were empty.  And so the excitement and passion that were stirred in you by this charismatic and flamboyant music teacher seemed to make you alive and fill in what was missing in your life."

"I suppose that's true," Janet admitted.  "But I didn't feel empty at the time I started the affair."

"That's exactly my point!" I jumped in.  "It's because you've been disconnected from your soul that you've destroyed your life.  If you would've paid attention to the emptiness in your marriage you could've sought to develop intimacy with your husband.  And your boredom with your job as a principal might have led you to asking some questions and consider changing the way you approached your work.  Instead, you reacted by plugging up this hole in your soul with an affair, alcohol, and the fantasy of a new and exciting life. 

"And even now you're in danger of making the same mistake again!"

Janet raised her eyebrows in skepticism, "How's that?" 

"You just want me to help you fix things.  You don't want to face what you've lost; you need to be grieving and feeling your sadness, but you're not."

"I've never been emotional.  I don't see how that would help things."

"By itself it wouldn't," I replied.  "Not without someone to comfort you - someone to listen, someone to understand, someone to care.  You need to learn how to establish this kind of soul-to-soul connection.  Which brings me to my next question, where does God fit into all this?  You haven't made any mention of your own relationship Him."

Janet told me her religious history that included confirmation classes as a child, taking her kids to church every week, and, many years ago, supporting her husband who was an elder and being involved in some service projects with him.

"But that doesn't tell me anything about your relationship with God," I replied.

"Well, I believe that God loves all people.  We're all His children.  He created us." 

"Yes," I interjected, "God relates to all people, including you.  But how do you relate to Him?"

"My grandfather was a Methodist minister and my parents raised me in the church.  They told me."

"Janet!  Janet!" I interrupted, "You're still not answering my question.  Do you experience God's love in your heart?  Is Jesus your friend?  Is God's Spirit alive in your soul?  If so, when did you trust in Him?"

Janet looked downcast, "I'm not deserving of that."

"Neither am I.  It's a gift.  All you do is say your sorry for your sin, that you regret hurting other people and yourself and God.  You just ask God for his mercy and grace.  You trust in Jesus and He gives you His forgiveness and love and purity.  He'll wash away the badness.  He'll fill you with love and joy and peace. He'll give you a new purpose." 

"First, you need to open up your heart to Him and to His ambassadors in the Body of Christ.  The Bible promises, `The Lord is close to the broken-hearted.'"

"But I don't know how to cry.  I don't know how to ask for help.  And I don't know how to pray." 

Go ahead and try.  I'll pray silently with you to support you and believe in God with you.

Janet was quiet for a long time.  I kept my eyes closed as I prayed for her.  Then she started talking to Jesus. It was as if she fell down at Jesus' feet and poured out her heart to him.  The tears flowed for the first time that she could remember.  She finally admitted that she wasn't smart enough to figure things out and that she couldn't get control of her life to make things work.  She talked to God not to impress Him, but to get close to Him.  She prayed to receive Christ and she began a journey of opening up her soul to God through the care of Christ's ambassadors and looking to meet Him in the Bible.

When Janet took a risk and opened up her soul with me and with God she started to connect and come to life.

FOUR WAYS WE NEED TO R-I-S-C

Let's look at four ways that we need to risk in order to connect with God and others, four ways that we need to engage our hearts and souls.

Maybe you've heard Jesus' Parable of the soils before?  It's in Matthew chapter 13 (vs. 1-9, 18-23).  Jesus' story is about 4 types of soil.  Probably, we all have some of each type in us. 

1- Hard soil: path doesn't receive seeds that Farmer sows, birds eat.

2- Shallow soil: rocky ground receives seed, but roots don't go deep, sun wilts it.

3- Weedy soil: plant grows, but is choked by weeds, no harvest.

4- Good soil: receives seed, sinks in roots, not choked by weeds, big harvest.

Jesus said that the four soils represent four heart responses to the message of God's love.

I find it interesting that the four soils, taken in order, represent a developmental progression that goes from a hard and detached heart to a soft and connected heart.  I see them as four steps to learning how to make soul-to-soul connections.  Let me explain.

R-EACH OUT

The 1^st way that we need to risk is to reach out, to look for the seeds of love that God (the farmer) is sowing in our hearts (the soil).

Jesus taught us, "Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the Kingdom of God" (Matthew 5:3).  We spiritually bankrupt.  We need God. 

We need His love in our souls and the only way to get it is admit to our neediness and reach out for it. 

It means being "born again" (John 3:3), which is to go back to a state of child-like dependence and trust in God (Matthew 18:1-5) and His ambassadors in the Body of Christ who reveal His love to us.

A few months ago, when I finished with my last client's psychotherapy session for the day I called home before I left.  It takes me less than five minutes to get home from my counseling office, but I always call anyway.  Briana, my seven-and-a-half year old daughter, answered and I told her that I was on my way home and I had a hug waiting for her. 

When I walked in the door she was waiting for me on the couch and she shouted out, "433 seconds!"  "What do you mean?" I asked with bewilderment.  "It took you 433 seconds to get home" she exclaimed with a smile as she ran up into my arms for a hug.

How blessed I am to have a bond like this with my daughter!  I wish I was always that connective with my kids.  Fortunately, I was prepared for this opportunity because the "Daddy's home" moment was so important to me as a child.  Sometimes I was wonderfully blessed and other times I felt brushed aside by my dad's frustration or anxiety or bad mood.

That's how we need to be!  Are you that excited to connect with God?  David in the Bible was.  His heart cried out, "As the deer pants for streams of water so my soul longs for you O God" (Psalm 42:1). 

The Psalms also record David's reliance upon the people of God, especially his soul mate Jonathan and his advisor Nathan.  We can't separate our love relationship with God from our love relationships with people; they go together.

A man consulted me for help with depression after years of prodding from his wife.  I'll call him Timothy.  Timothy's wife was lonely from years of putting up with his emotional detachment and working long hours. 

Timothy didn't know what was missing in his life.  He just knew that his wife was unhappy with him.  He also admitted that he was bored with his job and felt too tired at night to engage with his wife or his daughter.  He didn't want to come back to talk to me, but his wife made sure he did! 

(Some people dread talking to me.  One woman told me the only person that's harder for her to see is her dentist.  But I'm really a pretty nice guy!  Actually, I don't take it personal.  I know that for people like this it's frightening and embarrassing for them to face painful feelings that they've held inside for years.)

Anyway, Timothy came back to talk with me, week after week.  Each time he did I invited him to reach out to me, to share his heart with me.  I knew that his depression had to do with the un-bonded, disconnected state of his soul. 

Over time, as I showed interest in his inner life and offered my understanding and comfort his soul started to come to life before my eyes.  He became more aware of his feelings.  He put more importance on his emotional needs.  He spent more time with his wife and daughter and became a better listener.  And he started to feel closer to God.

His wife was so happy she sent me a thank you card!

I tell you, when someone like Timothy learns to reach out and connect it's a beautiful thing.

It reminds me of one of my favorite stages of child development.  How many of you are parents?  Do you remember when your child was an infant and would smile when she saw you?  I loved to hold my kids in that stage and look into their eyes, smiling and babbling.  We'd start up long conversations.  No one knew what we were saying, but we were bonding.

I miss those times, but a few days ago I got to hold my four-month old niece and do some of that early bonding.

So to make soul connections we need to reach out.  We need to look for God's seeds of love by attaching with caring people.

I-NTERNALIZE CARE

To make soul connections we also need to internalize the care that we reach out for.  That's the "I" in "RISC."  We need to soften the soil of our hearts so that God's seeds of love will plant and root deep inside.

A four-year old was at the pediatrician's office for a check up.  As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?"  The little girl stayed silent.
Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat.  He
asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?"  Again, the
little girl was silent.
Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest.  As he listened to her heartbeat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?"
"Oh, no!" the little girl replied.  "Jesus is in my heart.  Barney's on
my underpants."

A Catholic man I know goes to Mass almost everyday.  Not because he's religious, but because he depends on the eucharist.  He said to me, "When I eat the bread and drink the wine I'm taking Christ inside of me.  I feel a warm sensation throughout my whole body as I sing praise songs to God.  It's like I'm being held by God.  I just wish I could feel that close to God all the time."

Through communion he's internalizing God's love.  It's what his soul longs for!  So he keeps going back for more and it never gets old for him.  Every time he takes communion he delights in feeling held by God.  He's reaching out and internalizing love in that precious moment.

My friend is doing exactly what Jesus taught as recorded in John's gospel.  "I am the Bread of Life," Jesus said.  "My flesh is real food.  You need take me inside to have real life."

Communion is an important sacramental way to internalize God into our souls.  Relationships with people in the Body of Christ is the ordinary way that we do this.  We need to take into us God's caring by trusting in people who listen to us and encourage us.

S-ELF-SOOTHE

Self-soothing is the "S" in "RISC."  Part of risking with other people and with God is to appreciate and rely on them so much that we think of them and their care often during the day, especially when we're struggling.  In other words, we agree with or join in the caring that's being given to us.  This is how we grow strong plants to overcome the weeds that threaten to choke out the harvest God wants for our lives.

People who are well bonded do this.  If they're lonely then think about a friend who loves them.  If they've been criticized by someone and they're feeling down on themselves then they remember a loved one who affirms their strengths.  If they're anxious then they pray. 

They make use of other's care and they are grateful for it.

I know this because for a number of years now I've made it a point to relate to and learn from well-bonded people.  And this is what the Bible teaches us.  This is how I'm growing to be less detached and more connected.

Self-soothing is a challenge for me.  To feel God's love when I'm lonely or anxious I'm dependent on finding a caring friend because in times of stress I don't readily give myself understanding and comfort.  Instead, what I give myself is pressure or criticism.  Maybe you too tend to be self-critical or self-demanding. 

Here's a couple of ideas that have helped me to improve my self-soothing abilities.  You may want to practice these too.

1- When someone listens to me or affirms me, in my mind I try to agree with it.  In other words I join in this person's caring for me, by saying the same thing to myself!  It helps me to internalize it.

2- The other thing I try to do is to reminisce on the warm feelings of connection that I've had recently.  Maybe.

Feeling listened to when talking with my wife the night before,

Feeling supported when my friend, who I meet with every week, prayed for me,

Or feeling appreciated by the members of the spiritual growth group I'm leading. 

C-ARE FOR OTHERS

The "C" in "RISC" is care.  (I know that "risk" is spelled with a "k," but this is how the acronym worked out!)  Caring for others is the 4^th step of taking "RISC's" in order to make soul connections.  To care for others is to reproduce what God has blessed you with.

So, in the metaphor of Jesus' "Parable of the Soils" it looks like this: The good soil waits for the seed, receives it into its softness to grow a plant and take the plants roots deep down inside, grows into a strong plant, and produces a harvest, a crop for food and re-seeding. 

Our ability to bond is suspect if we're only seeking to get our own needs met and not offering care to others.  If we're truly bonded people then we will look to care for others.

On July 25, 2002, nine coal miners entered Quecreek Mine in Somerset County, Pennsylvania. About 9 p.m., the miners were drilling nearby the abandoned Saxman Mine when 50 million gallons of water released into their own shaft, cutting them off from the surface. In a desperate race against time, more than 200 rescuers worked to save the trapped miners.

The men were trapped in a small chamber just over 4 feet high and 18 feet wide, in frigid 55 degree water. The area of entrapment was approximately 240 feet underground and about 1 ½ miles from the mine entrance.

The miners "decided early on they were either going to live or die as a group."

Amazingly, they were all rescued as a group some 77 hours after being trapped in the mine! 

How did they survive?  The 55 degree water threatened to kill them slowly by hypothermia.  Here's what they did: "When one would get cold, the other eight would huddle around the person and warm that person, and when another person got cold, the favor was returned."

"Everybody had strong moments," miner Harry B. Mayhugh told reporters after being released from Somerse Hospital in Somerse. "But any certain time maybe one guy got down, and then the rest pulled together. And then that guy would get back up, and maybe someone else would feel a little weaker, but it was a team effort. That's the only way it could have been."

As New Hope Counseling volunteers you know what I'm talking about!  You are incredible people.  You really care for others.  And you enjoy it because of the soul connecting you do.  I know because you tell me about it.  You've said to me things like:

"I enjoy this position because it is an opportunity to be a blessing to others, and to be blessed."

"I believe I have always gotten more from the calls I took at New Hope than the callers did."

"I have found lifelong friends.  I have found direction.  I have found that giving so very little brings so very much back."

IT'S ALL IN THE "FAITH TRIANGLES"

Let's sum it all up.  "Soul Connections: How to Heal and Come Alive!"

Consider the progression of these four triangles

Reach out.  We need to connect with the Trinity, our source and model of perfect love (2 Corinthians 13:14).

Internalize.  We need to trust "Christ's Ambassadors" to reconcile us to the love of our Triune God (2 Corinthians 5:20).

Self-soothe and Care.  We need to agree with God's love and our ambassador's love so that God lives in us and we need to share His love with others so that His love is made complete in us (1 John 4:11-12).

REFLECT AND PRAY

I'd like to bring this message on soul connections right to your soul and to mine.  Recently, I watched "Apollo 13."  Have you seen it?  It's one of the top inspirational movies of all time.  It's based on the real-life story of astronaut Jim Lovell and the mission he led to the moon in 1970, one year after Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon.  Lovell's dream was do to do what Armstrong did by walking on the moon, taking "one small step forward, one giant leap for mankind!"

But, as Apollo 13 approached the moon an explosion in a liquid oxygen tank severely damaged the command and service module.  Lovell called out to NASA those famous words, "Houston.  We have a problem!"

The mission to the moon was quickly abandoned, as the astronauts needed to return home to try to save their live.  They were quickly running out of oxygen and power.  Would they make it back to earth?

Jim Lovell and the other two astronauts couldn't do it alone, brilliant and capably trained as they were.  Left to themselves and their damaged space ship they were doomed.  They needed a lot of help!

They needed thousands of scientists, engineers, and technicians working around the clock to find ways to get them more power and oxygen through conservation and using what was in the space ship to somehow maximize their resources.

They needed Congress to pass a resolution asking the American people to pray.

They needed the Pope to lead 50,000 people in prayer.

They needed their families and friends pleading with tears and sleepless nights and prayers for their safe return.

It's a lot like our lives.  God created us good and to live in His love, but we've been badly damaged and we've turned away from Him so that we've become lost.  Can we return to God?  Will you make the soul connections you need with God and His Ambassadors in the Body of Christ?

As all the world waits and watches on television for Apollo 13's return Walter Chroncite says, "No re-entering spaceships have ever taken longer than three minutes to get into the earth's atmosphere.  This is the critical moment.  If they don't get through you'll hear only silence."

The third minute comes and goes.  Seconds tick.  More than a minute goes by.  Family members are crying and praying and hugging.  NASA is nervously standing by at computer terminals.  Emergency rescue personnel are ready in helicopters and ships at the intended spot for a water landing.

Suddenly, Jim Lovell's voice breaks through the audio connection, Apollo 13 floating down on parachutes appears on the television screens, and cheers erupt around the globe!  Their mission was called a "successful failure," not only because they miraculously made it home safe, but also because NASA learned so much from the mission.

It's not easy for you and I to make the soul connections we need, to turn our lives around by learning from our failings to become successful failures.  We must walk through the world's deserts and mirages, fight off dark forces that oppose us, prevail against enemies who wound us, and overcome our failings in order to make it home to the stream of God's living water.  We need lots of help.  And we need to participate in that help.  The Apostle John said that for us to reach the water of life we need Father (throne of God), Son, Holy Spirit, angels, church (bride), and our own souls each to say, "Come!"

"Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb. 'I, Jesus, have sent my angel to give you this testimony for the churches.  I am the Root and the Offspring of David, and the bright Morning Star.'  The Spirit and the bride say, 'Come!' And let him who hears say, 'Come!'  Whoever is thirsty, let him come; and whoever wishes, let him take the free gift of the water of life" (Revelation 22:1, 16-17, NLT).

This is how we come alive with the life of God.  It's how we help others to come to life too.  And whenever souls connect with God all of heaven cheers!