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• Nice Christian-it is.  Separating grace from truth, love from honesty.  Jesus spoke the truth in love and we can too.  Frequent callers and chatters represent a great opportunity for us to practice setting boundaries in kind ways.
• Learn from the pastors wife who had a big heart, but was wise too:

A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.

"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400."

"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"

The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.

2. "I need to be ready for however the Lord leads me."

• Loosey Goosey.  Disrespecting the wisdom of decades of New Hope experience.  We have a process that works!  Priorities that must be followed.  Stay within New Hope's parameters.

3. "I'll be the one to help this person."

• Messiah Complex.  Trying too hard to give the help that they're resisting.  If people don't take responsibility for themselves then they won't get well.

4. "I'm sorry I upset you." 

• Shame is my name.  Being manipulated by person's emotion.  Callers and chatters need to take ownership of their feelings and struggles.  Don't let them project it all into you.

5. "They just keep calling and saying the same thing to bother us."

• Ignoramus.  It's rarely a prank caller.  It's a mentally ill caller.  If any of our callers and chatters are "the least of these" that Jesus urged us to be kind to (as if we were talking to him) it's these people.  Don't be rude or irritated with them.
• Don't be like the mean cat that somehow made it to heaven:

A cat and a mouse died on the same day and went up to Heaven. At the top they met God and he asked them 'How do you like it so far?'

The mouse replied 'It's great, but can I get a pair of roller skates?' God said 'Sure', and he gave him a pair of roller skates.

The next day God saw the cat and asked him 'How do you like it up here so far?' and the cat replied 'Great, I didn't know you had meals on wheels up here!'

6. "Arghhh!  Another frequent caller!"

• Burn out.  Yes, these callers are difficult, but they don't have to ruin your New Hope experience.  You need a fresh perspective on dealing with these difficult callers and chatters.

All of these responses from New Hope Counselors reinforce stuck Frequent Callers and Chatters

"Yes, but..."

"This always happens to me."

"It's not my fault."

"My life is just so hard."

"I just need another minute."

"You just don't understand."

"So you think I'm not as important as everybody else."

"I'm sure you have more important callers than me."

"You're really nice.  I'm so glad that you're not hanging up on me like Sally."

"I just want you to tell me what to do.  I need some advice."

Counselor: "This is a crisis line."  Caller: "Well this IS a crisis!  I'm having a long-term crisis!"

Are You Waiting for a Miracle?

Both stuck frequent counselors and stuck frequent callers and chatters are waiting for a "miracle"

Maybe you've heard about the religious man who is on top of a roof during a great flood. A rescuer comes by in a boat and says "Get in, get in!" The religious man replies, " no I have faith in God, he will grant me a miracle."

Later the water is up to his waist and another boat comes by and the guy tells him to get in again. He responds that he has faith in god and god will give him a miracle. With the water at about chest high, another boat comes to rescue him, but he turns down the offer again cause "God will grant him a miracle."

With the water at chin high, a helicopter throws down a ladder and they tell him to get in, mumbling with the water in his mouth, he again turns down the request for help for the faith of God. He arrives at the gates of heaven with broken faith and says to Peter, I thought God would grand me a miracle and I have been let down." St. Peter chuckles and responds, "I don't know what you're complaining about, we sent you three boats and a helicopter."

How to Identify Stuck Frequent Callers (Even if you Don't Know their History)

• Flat affect.  Monotone.
• Canned story.  It's like a script they're reading.
• Counselor feels bored, disinterested, unconnected.  ("I'm not feeling connected with this person?  But I  know I'm connective.  It must be that he/she is not connecting.")
• Bizareness to story.
• They externalize their problems.  Everyone else is to blame.  They resist responsibility for their problems, which is why they're stuck!
• Unresponsive or even frustrated with counselor reflections.  They want monologue, not dialogue.  They want to dump their unwanted feelings onto you, not process them with you.
• Increased resistance as the counselor tries to brainstorm action steps.  They don't want to take action; they like want to be fixed or to be able to complain about their problems.

1. Get out the "Stuck Frequent Caller Contact Sheet" and do what it says!

2. Be loving.  Focus on action for today.  Be brief.

3. Eat all your meals at "In and Out." 

• Good counselors are skilled at connecting and disconnecting, empathizing and being objective, feeling for people and thinking about their situation, giving care and energy to help and letting go of when you've done you're part.
• Ruth, one of our online counselors, literally walks away from her computer for a moment. 
• That's a little harder to do on the phones.  Though one counselor told me that he put a frequent caller on speaker phone then sat down at the next booth and took another call!  When he finished that call the frequent caller was still yaking away!

4. Start your shift with the right attitude

• Prayer: "Lord, give me the calls/chats that I'm meant to have today."

• Look for one call or chat on your shift to be meant for you that day.  One person who you know that you made a positive difference for.
• Realize that even if all of your calls seemed unimportant that your service was important because you made yourself available just in case someone in crisis called in.

5. Get spiritual

• Jean Coombs asks about their spiritual life and moves into prayer.

6. Follow up on last contact

• When Louise recognizes a stuck frequent caller she'll say, "Oh, Hi.  We talked two weeks ago and identified some goals.  How's it going?"  "Bye!"

How Jesus Dealt with a Stuck Frequent Person ("The Gospel of John" movie: John 5:1-18)