Question:
Hi Dr. Bill. I am almost 20 and have been bulimic and depressed
since I was 15. This past year I realized this has a lot to do with
my mother. As a child she was emotionally and physically abusive
of me. When I think of the past it hurts so much and bulimia somehow
eases my pain. I moved out when I turned 18 and started dealing
with my hurts and asking God for guidance and strength and this
stopped my bulimia for 5 months. But every time I come home it starts
again. How do I set good boundaries with my mom? Today she is a
very loving committed Christian, but is also overwhelming me. When
I think of her sometimes I get so overwhelmed with fear and confusion.
How do I get over this? Do I need to keep going to the past memories
that cause me to hurt? Should I have a counselor to help me?
Sincerely,
Emily
Answer
Hi Emily. You've experienced a lot of hurt from the most important
person in your life. This has left you deeply conflicted: you
need and love your Mom and yet you have these negative feelings
toward her because of the past abuse and feeling overpowered by
her.
Inside you probably have a lot of anger toward her, but right
now it is mostly repressed and perhaps internalized against your
own self as "I shouldn't feel this way" or "I shouldn't
be needy." This is why you are depressed.
Bulimia
is a common coping mechanism for girls dealing with an abusive
or controlling mother and all the pain and conflict that go with
it. For bulimics, eating too much food (often unhealthy food)
and then getting rid of it through vomiting, laxatives, or exercise
seems like a way to feel in control of feelings and conflicts
and needs that are out of control. But it is quite dangerous to
your health and quickly becomes out of control itself, creating
many more problems. So it is good that you are turning to God
and trying to stay "sober" from the binge and purge
cycle of bulimia.
You asked
about setting boundaries. If your past hurtful memories are
triggered or you feel criticized or controlled by your mom today
then you need to be able to set a limit on the interaction and
get some space for yourself. Go by yourself and journal or pray
to work through your feelings. Or call a friend who will listen
and support you. It would also help for you to learn how to tell
your Mom that it's not okay for her to say or do the things that
hurt you.
You asked
if you need to keep going back to the painful memories of the
past. Yes, but with caring professional help. If you don't
deal with these hurts then they're likely to keep replaying in
your life and relationships. Painful memories of being abused,
depression, and a recent history of bulimia are serious issues.
You have a lot going on inside emotionally and you need some help
learning how to deal with these issues, how to heal and to grow
as a responsible, mature Christian woman.
In addition
to looking for to a Christian counselor it'd be good for you to
learn more about bulimia and consider joining a support group.
May God bless your soul and your life with the healing andhelp
pthat you need!
Dr. Bill
Editor's
Note: William Gaultiere, Ph.D. is the Executive Director of
the New Hope Crisis Counseling Center at the Crystal Cathedral
and a Clinical Psychologist with a part time private practice
in Irvine, California. You can read Dr. Bill's encouraging self-help
articles on www.ChristianSoulCare.com.
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