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Question:

I'm just not managing my life and emotions as effectively as I need to.  I feel like I'm failing.  I feel stupid sometimes, but I know I'm not.  I actually got very good grades in school!  How can I be more wise and increase my "emotional IQ"?   

Answer:

I've talked to others who, although they were intelligent, felt like they were struggling to get passing grades in life.  To get along with others, to live with character, and to be competent in your work you need emotional intelligence. 

There are five aspects of emotional intelligence, according to Daniel Goleman, who did ground-breaking work on this.  Here's a chart I developed to compare lower and higher Emotional IQ's (EIQ) on each of the five aspects.

Ask yourself how you're doing in these five areas.  To help you assess this I developed a self-test called, What's Your Emotional IQ?  This can give you an idea of how you're doing and what you need to work on.  Don't get discouraged if you're struggling with this!  Unlike your IQ, which is mostly genetic, you can raise your Emotional IQ if you work on it.

The other day I had a lapse of emotional intelligence before recovering.  It was a rainy Saturday and I was caring for all 3 of my kids, 10, 8, and 5.  I was taking the older two to an Awana's activity day and we were late getting back from Jenny's (age 8) soccer game.  I had asked Jenny to get take her cleats off and to get some tennis shoes on.  She took an unreasonably long time to do this, but finally we were in the car. 

When we got to the church I went to opened the back door and there was Jenny in her sandles!  How was she going to race and jump and play games in the gym wearing sandles?   I lost my temper and slammed the car door and then gave her a scolding.  This wasn't my best moment as a parent!

Consider how I did in the five areas of emotional intelligence.

1.    Self-awareness.  I didn't take time to feel how pressured I was at being late or how angry I was with Jenny.

2.    Self-soothing.  So I didn't comfort myself.

3.    Self-control.  I lost my temper.

4.    Empathy/Caring.  I didn't know what Jenny was feeling and wasn't concerned about it.

5.    Self-motivated.  Above all I didn't want to deal with the shoes problem.

Fortunately, I made a good recovery.  (If Only I could do that after hitting a bad golf shot!  Instead a bad shot is usually followed by a worse shot.)  As I was driving Briana, my 5-year old, to a the bookstore where we were going to spend some time until her brother and sister were ready to be picked up, I took a few minutes to assess what happened and, at that point, used some emotional intelligence.

1.    Self-awareness.  I realized that I was time-pressured and angry.  And that now I felt guilty for how I handled the situation and was starting to feel ashamed as a father.

2.    Self-soothing.  I told myself that I wasn't "all bad" as a father or a person, but I had just made a mistake.  I asked and received forgiveness from God.  I reminded myself of my good qualities, like spending quality time with Briana right then!

3.    Self-control.  I contained my feelings and didn't let them negatively impact my time with Briana.

4.    Empathy/Caring.  I thought about how Jenny (and her brother and sister) may have felt criticized and scared when I lost my temper.

5.    Self-motivated.  I purposed to ask forgiveness of each of my kids for slamming the door and being overly harsh and to ask them how they felt about that.  I followed through on this when Briana and I picked up David and Jenny 45 minutes later.

My recovery worked.  My kids and I had a good day together and soon forgot the incident.  Here's an explanation of what I did.  These are five steps that you can work on to increase your Emotional IQ.

1.    Feel your feelings as they happen.  Don't deny, diminish, distract, or defend against your feelings, the heart of your "self."  Pay attention and focus on what you feel.  Identify your feelings and "process" them by sharing with someone you trust, praying, or writing in a journal.

2.    Soothe your "self."  Don't be self-critical or overly self-pressuring.  Ask for support and share your feelings with someone you trust (God, friend, support group, pastor, counselor).  Join with this person in caring for you!  Practice "reaching out" and asking for care in times of need.

Don't give in to emotional extremes of "all good" or "all bad."  Strive to balance and integrate.

3.    Think before you speak or act.  Don't react.  Don't explode or implode.  Instead "contain" your feelings, keep them inside of yourself, giving yourself time to feel and to think about how you feel and what you might say or do about it.  (For a more detailed explanation of this read my article, Think with Your Heart, Feel with Your Head.

4.    Practice active listening skills. This is empathy (feeling what others feel and showing concern) in action!  This is the heart of New Hope Counseling!  You know how to do this, right?  Ask open-ended questions to draw people out.  Summarize what you're hearing the person needs or is struggling with.  And, above all, reflect back what he or she is feeling.

Empathy is focused on the other person's need or "story" not your own.  It means being non-defensive, but hearing what is said as being about the other person, not about you (e.g., not a criticism to rebut or a position to argue, but an experience to understand). 

Learn to be secure and okay with yourself even if someone else is not happy with you!

5.    Persist in the face of obstacles.  Don't give up!  Don't "catastrophize," stay optimistic and give it your best in whatever you're working on.  Don't expect too much or too little, but set reasonable goals and work towards them step by step.  Slow and steady progress is best.  Remember, the turtle wins the race, not the hare!

Dr. Bill Gaultiere is the Director of New Hope Crisis Counseling at the Crystal Cathedral and a Psychologist with ChristianSoulCare.com.