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William ("Dr. Bill") Gaultiere, Ph.D.
Director of New Hope and Psychologist for ChristianSoulCare.com

Question:

My ten-year old girl has seen some of the news on the Terrorist Attacks and she's shaken.  Before I realized it, she had seen the plane crash into the World Trade Towers.  Now she's asking me questions about what's going and she's having trouble sleeping.  I'm frightened myself so how do I help her?

Answer:

It's best for you to protect your daughter from the horrifying images and terrifying realities surrounding the terrorist attacks.  I encourage parents with children 12 and under not to watch or listen to disturbing news in front of their kids.  Even with teenagers it's best to monitor the news reports they're hearing and their reactions so that you know in case you need to change the channel or discuss things.

Children need a basic sense of security in their worlds in order to be free to play, learn, and develop.  Younger children especially can't begin to understand or know how to respond to the evils of terrorism, the pain and panic of disasters.  Mostly, they need to know that they are safe and loved and that mom or dad is there to care for them so that they can continue on with their lives. 

As a parent who is upset by what's going on, it's important that you get help processing your own anxieties so that you can be calm enough to be available to your daughter.  You need support too!  Talk to your friends about what's happened and how you feel.  You may need to talk to your pastor or a counselor.  Do what you need to do for your own self-care so that you have the emotional strength to deal with your child's anxieties.

With children, their anxieties often show up indirectly in nightmares, difficulty concentrating, irritability, hyperactivity, or misbehavior.  Or in difficulty going to sleep, as your daughter is experiencing.  She's upset by what she's seen and heard on TV and perhaps she's heard her friends at school talking about the terrorist attacks.  She's showing you her anxiety and she needs your help to learn how to talk about her feelings and get the understanding and comfort that she needs.

So it's important that you respond.  Often parents are quick to offer reassuring words to the effect of, "You don't need to be scared.  That'll never happen to you."  But it's much more helpful for parents to draw out their children's feelings.  Ask, "What have you heard about the news today?  How are you feeling about it?  What questions do you have?"  They may be scared or anxious by what they've seen on TV or what they've heard from their friends in which case they need to ask questions talk about their feelings.

Here's how I helped my kids.  I have three young children between the ages of six and ten.  The older two knew something was wrong when they overheard me watching the TV news the morning of the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon because that's something I never do.   I turned the TV off when they came in my room and then later at breakfast I offered them a calm summary of what was happening.  And later when we talked about it again and I updated them I made sure to point out the positive things that were going on, like firefighters rescuing people from the rubble, people giving blood, and our government leaders and military working to protect us. 

My wife and I have involved our kids in responding to the terrorist attacks in positive ways and this has been important for them and for our family.  We've prayed to God together as a family about the events, for the wounded, the grieving, and for our government and military.  Also, we put the American flag out on our house and participated in a candlelight and prayer vigil to show our support for our country and our soldiers.

It's also helped my kids to get back to normal routines.  Children of all ages find security in structure.  School, chores, activities, family dinner time (without interruption from the TV or phone), free play time, and church attendance are examples of valuable routines that need to go on. 

Here's a summary of how to comfort a child who is frightened, not only by terrorist attacks, but other acts of war or natural disasters:

1.    Restrict or monitor access to disturbing or graphic news reports.

2.    Get the self-care that you need to be calm and helpful.

3.    Watch for signs of distress in your child's behavior.

4.    Listen to your child talk about what happened and how it feels.

5.    Calmly give your child an age-appropriate summary of what happened, being sure to include positive, hopeful aspects.

6.    Get back into normal routines.

7.    Let your children participate in a constructive outlet like putting the flag out, making a card, going with you to give blood, or offering a prayer.

8.    Pray with your children to comfort them and to pray for rescue workers, government leaders, and the military.