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Question:
I was falsely accused of some terrible things by someone that was
a close friend for ten years and a Christian brother at our church.
He never apologized for what he did. I felt so hurt that my family
left the church a year ago even though we were active members. I've
spent many, many days in prayer, looking to forgive and seeking
God's wisdom and comfort over this. I miss all my friends, but I
still feel forsaken by my "old friend." When I saw him
the other day, I could not even speak to him! I know I have some
healing yet to go through so I can once again serve God. But how?
I don't really have anyone to talk to about this. Can you give me
any suggestions? I'd appreciate it.
Answer:
I understand you to feel betrayed by your friend. To have a long-time
friend tell lies about you and say bad things about you is very
hurtful. And he apparently doesn't recognize this or see it as
important since he hasn't apologized.
Apparently, you left your church because of this issue. That's
a high price to pay! You miss your friends and you miss serving
in your church. Why not go back?
I think I know why you haven't gone back. Because of how you feel
when you see your old friend: hurt, anger, anxious. You don't
want to feel this. And yet, working through these feelings is
part of the emotional healing that you seek. It'll help you to
complete the forgiveness that you've started. And it could give
you the strength to go back to the church you love.
Here are two options for how you could deal with your hurt:
1. Set up a meeting with him and your pastor to go over the issue
together and to offer your forgiveness.
2. Or write your friend a letter, telling him how you've been
hurt, that you're forgiving him, and specifying what you're asking
him to do about it. After you write the letter, then get advice
from your pastor as to whether or not to send it (perhaps with
edits). Even if you don't send it this would be therapeutic for
you.
If he becomes apologetic and compassionate then perhaps you can
renew your friendship. If not then you're still best to forgive
him and to prepare yourself to smile and say "hi" to
him in passing.
If you face your painful feelings then you can face your old friend
and then you can return to your church without fear.
God loves you and so do we at the Crystal Cathedral!
William Gaultiere, Ph.D. is the Executive Director of the New
Hope Crisis Counseling Center and the Moderator for OneCommunity
at the Crystal Cathedral. He is also a Clinical Psychologist with
a part time private practice in Irvine, California. You can read
Dr. Bill's encouraging self-help articles on www.NewHopeNow.org
and www.ChristianSoulCare.com.
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