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Question:
I have been divorced two years and I want badly to reconcile with
my ex-husband. Recently, we have been together for the first time.
He says he loves me…. My reasons for divorcing him were that
his family kept interfering in our marriage, he made me have an
abortion, and he wouldn’t talk with me about these and other
important issues…. He cannot seem to understand how bad he
hurt me…. I pray every single day, but I am real down about
the whole situation, because, of course, I want it right now.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Answer:
It’s no wonder why you’re agonizing over this important
decision. Trying to reconcile a marriage after you’re already
divorced is quite difficult, though with God’s help the two
of you can make your dream a reality! A new marriage is possible
if both of you are truly re-committed to each other and to a process
of repairing and rebuilding your relationship with help from God
and others. You’re already on your way to some positive changes.
Your fervent desire to reconcile, your daily prayers that God
would guide you, and your eagerness to get some input and to think
this through represent a great start!
To help you
move toward a reconciliation process and ultimately to make a
decision about whether or not to re-marry there are some issues
I believe you need to address. First, I am concerned that you
may be prone to rush into important decisions before thinking
things through clearly. Apparently, you did this with the abortion
and the divorce, and are struggling with lingering regret and
pain as a result. With major life decisions like beginning or
ending a marriage and having or aborting a baby you don’t
want to go forward with anything less than whole-hearted readiness
- the moral, personal, and relational implications of those decisions
are too huge to overlook. If you’re unsure and divided then
you’re probably best to stay put until you’re more confident
of what you want and what is right. Learn from your past mistakes
and take this important decision about reconciliation especially
slow; think things through and gather more information before
you act. For instance you need to ask yourself questions like,
“How have I grown in the last two years?” “Is he
more loving to me now?” “Are we communicating and resolving
issues better?” Positive answers to questions like these
are good indicators that your attempt at reconciling is going
in the right direction.
Also, it is
very important that in sorting through your feelings and thoughts
about your intended reconciliation that you make your own decision
about how to proceed and that you take responsibility for that
decision. You don’t want to look back and realize that you
were manipulated or pressured in either direction by your ex-husband,
his family, or anyone else. Apparently, you felt that way about
the abortion, as you said that he “made” you do it.
As an adult you need to take full responsibility for your decisions
and the consequences of those decisions. Determine to act responsibly
and in your best interests this time and you won’t live with
regret.
You mentioned
that you were “down about the whole situation.” I suspect
that you’re feeling depressed because you’re revisiting
the abortion and the divorce, two major losses that you need to
grieve. You probably need to get help mourning the loss of your
baby and your marriage. You may be struggling with guilt and anger
that you need to confess and work through. You mentioned that
your husband doesn’t want to talk about these issues and
that he doesn’t understand how you feel. Your need to talk
about these issues is real and important. You need to find someone
who is supportive and helpful to you with your grief and your
other feelings. In time this should help to lift your depression
and help you think more clearly about your hoped for reconciliation.
If, as you suggested, your ex-husband won’t be a part of
this process with you by listening to you and supporting you and
by sharing his feelings on these issues then the prospects for
improving your relationship aren’t good.
Finally, you
both need to commit yourself to a reconciliation process before
you decide whether or not it is best for you to re-marry and before
you resume intimate relations. The two of you need time to talk
through what went wrong in your marriage and what you’re
going to do to make things different this time. You need to re-establish
trust in each other, to understand and to help heal one another’s
pain. You need to observe that things have really changed before
you re-marry. I recommend that the two of you seek help in this
reconciliation process from a marriage counselor or a pastor.
A second choice would be for each of you to participate in a support
group or 12 step group to get help in addressing your individual
issues.
If you and
your ex-husband will take these steps and keep praying for God’s
help day by day then I believe that your dream for reconciliation
will come true! I pray with you that God brings about a wonderful
healing in you, in your ex-husband, and in your relationship.
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