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Dr. Bill Gaultiere
(714) 971-4213
DrBill@CrystalCathedral.org

I’ve received quite a bit of positive feedback from New Hope counselors saying that these case discussions are helpful learning tools so here’s another. This one addresses a topic that is very difficult for many of our counselors — responding to a Christian homosexual. This is a sensitive issue and it is not easy to handle for me either.

This is an actual transcript from a New Hope counseling session with an internet user who is conflicted between his Christian values and homosexual feelings. Caller and Counselor names are omitted and the caller’s words are highlighted in bold. The counselor started off quite well with this call and then had some difficulty with it. I have offered my comments on some of the issues going on and some additional ideas on how best to respond.

Hello. Welcome to New Hope. How may I help you?

I think I’m gay
How long have you thought that, is it something new?
No, not new… 3 years.
Comments: This is very helpful to know. To know how long the caller has been struggling with feeling gay helps to set a context for understanding the struggle.

It would also be helpful to know how old he is. For instance, if he’s 15 and making adult decisions about sex that’s a cause for concern. And it’d mean that he’s a minor and if he’s had a sexual experience with an adult then that’s child abuse. This changes the whole call since possible child abuse is a priority concern over struggling with being gay. (Remember to triage, by focusing on the most urgent priority first.)

How do you feel about being gay?
I feel okay about it, but I haven't acted on it.
Have you talked with anyone about this?
Yes, my best friend. And a psychotherapist.
What were their thoughts, for you?
One said it was ok. The other said it was not ok.

Comments: By asking, "How do you feel about being gay?" the counselor has used excellent active listening skills with an open-ended question aimed at inviting the caller to talk about his feelings about being gay. This is exactly where we want to focus this call!

The important thing is how you feel about it. Do you know how you feel?
I feel okay about it. But I want to know how you feel about it. What does God feel about it?
I don't think that is an answer I can give you, however I guarantee if you seek God's wisdom about it he will lead you.
Comments: Here the counselor tries to get back to the issue of how the caller feels about being gay. The conversation had digressed a bit into what the caller’s friend and therapist think about the issue, which is significant but secondary. First, we need to explore his feelings a lot more.

At this point we start to see what emerges as a problem in the call. The counselor is trying to get the caller to say how he feels about being gay and the caller is trying to get the counselor to say how he/she feels about it. This is typical of this type of call.

Alternative Responses: "How I feel about this isn’t so important. The issue is how you feel and what you believe. What do you mean that you feel okay about it?… What do you think God feels about it?"

That sounds like a cliche. I think God won't be happy if I pursue a gay relationship.
How did you come to that conclusion?
I'm not sure. Maybe because the church says that homosexuals are evil. Will God accept me if I pursue a gay relationship?
We are all evil, save for God's saving grace. God also says not to have sex outside of marriage, yet people seem to accept a male and female living together, more so than of gay relationships. This seems like a double standard. My point is the "church" isn't always that clear.
Comments: By asking, "How did you come to that conclusion?" the counselor is trying to stay focused on the caller’s feelings and beliefs, which is good. Then he/she gets diverted. The issue here isn’t the counselor’s interpretation of how "the church" feels about the caller being gay, but how the caller feels about it.

The caller’s desperate question that he’s repeating is: "Will God accept me if I pursue a gay relationship?" This is a loaded question that shouldn’t be answered by a New Hope counselor, especially when we haven’t yet adequately understood the caller’s feelings on this painful, complicated struggle. Answer no to the caller’s question and you’ve said that God doesn’t love him when certainly God loves everyone, including homosexuals. Answer yes and you’ve said that God condones having sex outside of heterosexual marriage when the Bible clearly teaches that sex belongs in marriage.

I think it’s important for our own understanding that we realize that God is able to love sinful people like you and I and those who call New Hope and at the same time God judges our sinful behavior. This conflict is reconciled through faith in Jesus, who offers us God’s forgiveness, and our trusting in Him to help us to live a good life. (For an example of how Jesus handled this dilemma without condemning a person or condoning sinful behavior see the story of the woman caught in adultery in John 8:1-11.)

Alternative Responses: "Who in the church has said to you that homosexuals are evil?… What does the Bible say about this?… It seems that you feel condemned for your sexual orientation when all you can control right now is your sexual behavior."

So, If I marry a man, I'll be okay?
God says he will not cast anyone who seeks him. We all have some type of sin in our lives. God's grace can help us overcome them.
So homosexuality is a sin that I must confess?
I don't think Scripture supports two men marrying. You see grace is not what we do or don't do, it is if we trust in God's grace to make us better. I don't think homosexuality is any more a sin than if you wanted to "shack up" with a woman.
Comments: At this point the counselor has been baited into giving his own opinions on what is right. The caller is externalizing his own inner conflict over his Christian values which say that sex belongs in heterosexual marriage and his desires to purse a gay relationship with another man. The counselor needs to keep the focus helping the caller to verbalize and sort through his own feelings and beliefs.

Alternative Responses: "It sounds like you’re afraid that if you pursue a gay relationship that this would be wrong and not acceptable to God… Are you talking about your homosexual orientation or having sex with another man?… What do you think? Do you believe that it’s right for you to marry another man? Do you believe that pursuing a gay relationship is a sin?… It sounds like you feel very confused and upset about this. You believe that God will judge sex with another man as wrong and yet you want to do it anyway and do you’re looking for a way to do it and have God’s approval."

But, if I feel that marrying a man is ok, and I trust in God's grace and forgiveness, will everything be okay?
Is the man your thinking of marrying a Christian also?
Yes he is. He is a very strong Christian.
How does he deal with this issue?
He seems okay with it. He feels that God accepts him the way he is.
If you have peace about that then trust God to guide you if you are going stray from His will.
So it seems that what you're telling me is that I should have a daily relationship with God and that he will speak to me about how he wants me to live my life. But what if I am deceived? What it I think everything is okay but I'm actually listening to the devil?
That’s a tough question, I always try to do what I truly have peace about. Remember Jonah, he tried to not obey God and found it very difficult.
Comments: Unfortunately, at this point the counselor isn’t able to find his/her way back to focusing on the caller’s feelings, which are right there. The caller says, "What if I pursue a gay relationship, thinking that it’s okay with God and I am deceived?" These feelings need to be validated and explored further. This is a legitimate fear.

Understandably, I think the counselor has been troubled by the difficult issues this call raises and has lost his bearings a bit. All of us commit sins. Sometimes intentionally. Sometimes we justify our sins as okay. Does this make God angry? Do we seek forgiveness? What if we don’t? What if we keep sinning? How would you or I react if we had a homosexual orientation? (This isn’t just a choice, but it also arises out of genetics, developmental issues, and parental relationships.) We may not want to admit it, but for most of us it would be very difficult in this situation not to pursue a gay relationship. What are the spiritual implications when a Christian does pursue a gay relationship? I don’t think there are easy answers to these questions. Realizing this makes it easier to be compassionate.

Alternative Response: "You’re right. You may be deceived. And the stakes are very high. You want to stay in relationship with God, but are afraid to lose that. Tell me more about this."

Can't you just tell me that it is okay to be a homosexual? Can't you just tell me that the church will accept me "just as I am?" I've tried to change, I've tried so hard but the more I try the more I just want to be with men? Why can't I just accept myself for what I am? Why can't my boyfriend and I just be happy in God?
Those are all very big questions. If you really want to look at this you might want to find a Christian based counselor, preferably one who deals with homosexuality.

Comments: Realizing that he/she is in over his/her head the counselor wisely tries to offer a referral. (See the end of this article for my suggested referrals.) This caller does need to talk to a Christian therapist about this — and he’s doing that already. Apparently, he feels judged by his therapist in which case he should talk this through with his therapist to see if they can resolve it.

Alternative Responses: "I hear that you’re just not able to reconcile your desire to have sex with your boyfriend with Christian beliefs… You’re afraid to incur God’s judgment... This is a very painful and difficult issue. It’s good that you’re seeking help in therapy, though your earlier comment makes me think that maybe you’ve had some trouble with your therapy. Have you talked to your therapist about how you’re feeling in your therapy?"

I can tell you God loves you
Will you pray for me?
Of course.
Can you pray on the computer?
Heavenly Father, my friend and I come to you in prayer today. You know Father, far better than I the problems that we've discussed, and Lord, you know all our needs. Father, surround your child with your loving arms so that your presence and care are felt. Help my friend to know your will in this time of need.
Lord, we thank you for doing these things and we praise you for these and the many other blessings you have given to us.
In the name of Christ we pray. Amen.
Thank you.

You’re welcome.

How come Dr. Schuller never talks about gay people?
I don't know.
I feel God's presence. I hope He blesses you for your work in my life today.
I am very happy to hear you feel God's presence. Just keep in mind that God loves you the same regardless of what you do. He still wants His best for you.
Thank you. I feel that God loves you too! Thank you for donating your time to help God's people.
You’re very welcome. Enjoy the weekend.
You too. Bye, bye.

Referrals:

Here are three helpful referrals to Christian organizations. There is much information, support, treatment, and referrals to therapist specialists available to help people like this. Some are able to change their sexual orientation. Others may become celibate.

Desert Stream and Exodus in particular are experienced at helping Christian homosexuals and others struggling with being gay. They can help people deal with any underlying issues related to this struggle. These may include sexualizing same-sex bonds, sexual addiction, sexual abuse, character disorders, and early childhood wounds.

• Desert Stream: Living Waters Christian Recovery Program, conferences, and information for the sexually broken or confused. (714) 779-6899, www.desertstream.org
• Exodus International: Christian support groups, conferences, and information for those who want to stop homosexual behavior. 1-888-264-0877, www.messiah.edu/hpages/facstaff/chase/h/exodus/
• Homosexuals Anonymous: 14 Steps and support groups for those who want to stop homosexual behavior. (610) 376-1146 (http://member.aol.com/hawebpage/)