New
Hope Case Discussion
Dr.
Bill Gaultiere
(714)
971-4213
drbill@CrystalCathedral.org
Here
is an actual New Hope counseling session with a caller in an
emotional crisis. Caller and Counselor names are omitted and
the caller’s words are highlighted in bold. Added to this
transcript are my comments on how this call could’ve been
handled better.
I
offer this case discussion for your learning as counselors and
not to embarrass or criticize anyone! Remember, your time and
efforts are valuable contributions to callers, even if you’ve
had a call in which your role in helping the caller could’ve
been better. And it’s through responding well to our mistakes
and difficulties that we grow as people and as Christians.
Welcome
to New Hope.
I may
have a disease!
Tell me what’s going on.
This past weekend I made the worst mistake of my life. I
committed adultery by sleeping with another man's wife.
What was that?
Growing up in the church, I knew this was wrong and always
stood against it, but I recently backslid and this just happened.
What are you going to do now?
Comment:
This caller is feeling intense guilt and he lays it right out
there. The counselor starts off well with a warm greeting and
an open-ended question to invite self-disclosure. But then he/she
seems to panic a bit and starts in on a problem solving mode
rather than continuing with active listening. Rather than replying
with "What are you going to do now?" the counselor
could reflect his feelings, "It sounds like you feel
really bad about what you did?" This is where the
caller wants to go and needs to be understood.
Afterwards I felt bad. Then when I got home, she told me
that she had a disease... Herpes, which I may have.
Have you been to a doctor?
It normally takes 2-12 days so they all said come later,
but I am scared.
Comment:
The question about seeing a doctor is a good one, but it’s
premature. The counselor needs to establish a connection with
the caller’s feelings. He/she hasn’t verbalized an
understanding of the caller’s feelings — the heart
of New Hope Counseling. Clearly, the caller feels guilt and
shame about the adultery and is quite frightened about possibly
having a sexual disease. The caller’s feelings need to
be the focus of the call. Without establishing a caring, compassionate
connection the call falls apart, which is about to happen here.
To address the fear and it’s validity the counselor could
simply say, "I’d be scared too."
I feel ashamed. I feel like God gave me every chance to do
right, but my stubborn will drove me on. I feel this is my just
punishment.
What’s your relationship with this woman?
We became friends. She is getting a divorce. We met one day
and one thing led to another. It was not planned. This is not
what I wanted to do. It just happened.
What are you going to do now?
Now I feel like a criminal. I have become between a covenant
which I normally would not do. She was there for me through
a hard break-up with my ex-fiance who dumped me.
What do you think you should do?
I do not know what to do. This is a sin I've always said
I would NEVER commit. Now I have done it and God's justice is
upon me.
Comment: The counselor keeps coming back to the "What
are you going to do about this?" question, which is appropriate
near the end of the conversation, but not now. The counselor
seems to be feeling pressure to resolve the caller’s problem.
This pressure is felt by the caller and becomes agitating to
him, as you’ll see. What the caller needs to hear now is
something like, "I hear that you feel terrible about
breaking your commitment to God and to yourself and about interfering
in a marriage. And now you feel that you deserve to be punished."
Can you
forgive yourself?
I have destroyed a marriage and myself all in one stroke.
If God chooses to kill me, it would be justified. I know better!
I grew up in the church. I KNOW the word, but I still failed.
Have your read 1 John 1:9?
No.
If we confess are sins. He is faithful and just to forgive our
sins and to cleanse us of all unrighteousness.
I would rather be dead than to face what is happening to
me. I also hurt that man. It seems that each time I back out
of church, I am open to more sin. For me, this was the ultimate.
I have a strong disdain for adulterers, now I have become one.
Your sins can be cleansed.
But my body can't.
What we can't do God can do.
If this is my curse, then it is just.
You seem to not be hearing what I’m trying to say.
Comment: The forgiveness issue is a very important one.
Clearly, the caller has responded to his sin and guilt with
self-condemnation, rather than seeking forgiveness. The caller
is not able at this time to see forgiveness as an option. Understanding
and validating the caller’s feelings of shame may help
open up the caller to see the need for forgiveness or it may
not. That is up to the caller. In either case, the counselor
needs to back off from his/her problem solving approach. His/her
comment about "You seem to not be hearing what I’m
trying to say" would be helpful if pursued further because
it’s true. Caller and counselor are not hearing one another.
To hear the caller and address the seriousness of his crisis
at this point would be to reply with something like, "You
feel so bad about yourself that you just want to die. Are you
having thoughts of killing yourself?"
Why would
God even want to help? I keep sinning against him.
Do you plan to keep sinning?
Doesn't the Bible say that a man who knows the word and doesn’t
do it will be whipped by many stripes? This disease is my lesson.
I do not expect God to take it away. It serves as my punishment.
No,
I do not plan on sinning. If you knew me personally, then you
would be surprised that I did this. I don't do things of this
magnitude. Perhaps this is the thorn in my side...to forever
remind me of my hypocrisy.
If you let this experience keep you from God that is a greater
sin.
I am ashamed to be telling you this. But I can't speak to
anyone else about it. It would devastate them. I am a hard man
to deal with. This is probably why God allowed me to get this
far...to break me down and show me as I am.
I don't
hear God well. Or he does not speak often. Now I am
plagued with this horrible disease for the rest of my life.
I will be lonely forever now. I would not dare spread this to
anyone. Only people who commit sins of this magnitude should
receive this type of punishment.
It sounds like you hear God.
Why do you say that?
It sounds that you have learned that you have done wrong. With
God’s strength you won’t do it again.
Now I am a walking plague...destined to be alone because
I chose to follow my own wicked inclinations. I would rather
God take me now than to let me suffer with this for the rest
of my pitiful existence.
You have a choice to follow God or your own inclinations.
That is the point. I followed my own will and now I am suffering
from it. What do I do now?
I think you get on your knees and ask God to forgive you
with the strength of the Lord.
I can feel it taking over me. I am getting sick. I have a
sore throat and my loins are irritated. My immune system is
failing me in areas where it is usually strong. It is preoccupied
with this foreign agent... This is just where God wants
me...crippled with no hope but Him. Yet I'll suffer for life
from it…
Comment:
The counselor and caller are missing each other. The counselor
hasn’t shown that he/she understands the guilt and fear
and pain that the caller feels. The caller isn’t seeing
that he’s rejecting God’s forgiveness, condemning
and alienating himself and this is his biggest problem. (The
herpes issue is undiagnosed, but in his paranoia he’s assumed
that he has it and is experiencing symptoms of it.) If the counselor
would validate the caller’s feelings then maybe the caller
would be more open to see how he’s refusing God’s
forgiveness. Although this caller is quite stuck with a guilt
problem that appears to be a long standing and deep seated problem.
What's it going to be: sin or forgiveness?
Sure,
God can forgive me for the sin, but how about my body?...
Your body is going back to the dust one day. Your spirit will
live and your faith is eternal.
So, that's your answer...suffer until I return to dust.
(The
Caller hung up at this point.)
Comment:
The counselor is trying to help the caller deal with his need
for forgiveness, to not carry this guilt and shame. The caller
is resistant to this, partially because he feels misunderstood
and judged by the counselor and partially because of how he’s
stuck in self-condemnation, fear, and a negative image of God.
The main thing for us New Hope Counselors to remember is to
stay focused on callers’ feelings through active listening.
That is the most important thing we do and it enables us to
collaborate with the caller on a next step for what to do about
the problem.
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