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New
Hope CE Notes
August 1999
Dr.
Bill Gaultiere
(714) 971-4213; drbill@crystalcathedral.org
A. Domestic Violence Facts
- Victims
are women (95% of the time) and their children
- Every
9 seconds in U.S. a woman is battered by her husband or boyfriend
- 4 million
women per year
- 30%
of women treated for injuries in ER have been battered
- 1 out
of 3 Americans have witnessed a domestic violence incident
- 20%
of victims have suffered 3 or more assaults in the previous
6 months
- A cohabiting
woman is 56 times more likely to be assaulted than a wife
B. What
is abuse?
- Hitting,
kicking, slapping, shoving
- Throwing
or breaking things in anger at or in front of someone
- Explosive
temper, yelling, screaming, raging
- Forcing
a partner to have sex, unwanted and violent sex
- Extreme
jealousy, trying to control another’s behavior
- Extreme
criticism, threats, frequent blaming
C. Characteristics
of Victims
- Lack
of Trust: not only for partner, but for herself
- Shame:
“I’m bad,” low self-esteem, feels worthless,
“eligible” to be abused (For male victims shame
is intensified due to social roles and expectations)
- Guilt:
blames
self for his unhappiness, anger, and problem behavior
- Fear:
lives in fear of another episode, being criticized or abused
- Anger,
may
escalate conflicts or may internalize anger and convert into
shame, depression, and anxiety
- Dependency:
unable to support herself financially or emotionally
- Isolation:
avoids people at times to hide abuse or because feels bad
about it or because doesn’t want to upset partner
- Powerlessness:
feels stuck in abuse and unable to make decisions
- Denies
feelings: may be embarrassed by her problems, too proud to
admit how bad things are, or afraid to make things worse
- Lack
of assertiveness:
doesn’t take good care of herself, afraid to confront
abuser or to seek help
- Overly
focused on partner: tries to anticipate and accomodate his
desires and needs in order to control his anger for him
- Sexual
problems:
lack of pleasure or desire, poor boundaries
- Flashbacks
and phobias
- Victim
mentality: “poor me,” “he won’t change,”
“nobody will help me,” “I can’t afford
counseling,” “Even though I’m being abused
(and my kids are being abused with me) I can’t leave
(or get help) because _______.”
D. Characteristics
of Perpetrators:
- Rage,
loses temper, very low frustration tolerance
- Lack
self-control, violent behavior
- Lonely:
few friends, isolates
- Demanding:
expects partner to meet needs perfectly
- Low
self-esteem: hides feelings of inadequacy and inferiority
- Fear
and insecurity hidden underneath anger, he’s afraid to
lose her or for her to become independent
- Intimidates:
tries to physically or emotionally dominate and exploit others
(to hide own fears and inadequacies)
- Blaming:
blames her for his problems
- Rationalizes
abuse (e.g., “she started it,” “she deserved
it,” “the Bible says that I’m the head and
she has to submit to me,” “I taught her a lesson.”)
- Noncommunicative,
e.g., silent treatment
- Alcohol
or drug abuse
- Sexual
problems, pornography
- Jekyll
& Hyde: charming yet mean, generous yet selfish, abuses
partner yet afraid to lose her
May be successful, friendly, religious, good-looking to the
outside world, but have abusive episodes at home
E. Why
does the victim stay?
- 1. Hopes
the perpetrator will change
- 2. Blames
herself for problems in the relationship and the abuse
- 3. Lacks
money and job skills to support herself (and her children)
- 4. Has
children who also depend on him as father or male figure
- 5. Embarassed
to admit she’s being battered or made a bad choice in
her partner
- 6. Cultural,
religious, or personal beliefs. (e.g., “divorce is wrong,”
“the Bible says I have to forgive,” “Jesus
teaches me to turn the other cheek.”)
- 7. Feels
sorry for him, e.g., “he needs me,” “he’ll
commit suicide if I leave.”
- 8. Afraid
to be abused again (3 out of 4 battered women are abused after
they leave, are separated, or divorced)
F. What
triggers episodes of abuse?
- 1. Often
it’s something incidental. The real issues are the perpetrator’s
out of control behavior and the dysfunctional patterns in
the relationship
- 2. He’s
stressed or frustrated by loss of job, money problems, pregnancy,
or family problems
- 3. He
becomes threatened by his partner’s increased independence
(e.g., starts school, gets a job, goes to church, or seeks
help from a friend, support group, or counselor)
- 4. Use
of alcohol or drugs
G. The
Cycle of Abuse
1. Tension
Building:
Stress-> he’s agitated-> she senses, tries to accommodate
him -> he complains, criticizes, blames, challenges her ->
she accepts blame, tries harder not upset him further, takes
responsibility to make him feel better, internalizes her own
anger, gets depressed and anxious, may develop physical symptoms
(headaches, upset stomach, insomnia, fatigue)
2. Violent
Episode:
An explosion of anger and violence in which the perpetrator
is out of control. The trigger may be incidental or unknown.
The perpetrator is often unaware of the how much injury he is
causing and even afterward will minimize the harm he caused.
The victim may or may not try to fight back, escape, or get
help. She might detach during the episode, so much so that it
all feels like a dream. Afterward, she may be in shock and be
unaware of the seriousness of the trauma or her injuries. She
may be passive and withdrawn or hysterical and inchoherent.
Children who witness the violence are harmed also. They may
feel helpless, frightened and trapped. Or they may attempt to
stop the fighting by distraction, acting out, or trying to help
the victim.
3. Remorse
(Honeymoon):
Begins a few hours to several days after the violent episode
Both are relieved that it’s over
She may be initially upset, angry, or determined to leave
He begins an intense campaign to win her back with apologies,
gestures of love, gifts, and promises to be better
Temporarily, her fragile self-esteem is boosted and she feels
loved
Her romantic ideals are revived, this gentle, loving man is
her real man, she just needs to keep him happy and under control
and thereby prevent future abusive episodes. She believes, “this
time things will be different” “he’s changed”
“we have a loving relationship” “I just need
to trust God.”
A strong bond develops between the couple, isolating them from
reality and outside support
This honeymoon period serves as a positive reward for the violence
that reinforces the cycle and enables them to avoid dealing
with the real issues or developing effective conflict resolution
strategies
4. Downward spiral:
Gets worse over time, both in frequency and in severity.
Cycle changes: Tension building becomes more intense and shorter,
violent episodes become more frequent and severe, and the remorse
periods become shorter and may disappear.
H. Steps
to Freedom from Violence for Survivors
1. Make
sure that you and your children are safe
- Domestic
violence is against the law
- Call
911 if you or your children are in imminent danger or need
immediate, urgent medical treatment (This will set criminal
justice system in motion.)
- If you
and your children need to leave home to find a safe environment
then go to a woman friend’s or relative’s house.
Or you stay at a domestic violence shelter and receive legal,
financial, and medical assistance and support. Call 1-800-799-SAFE
or a local hotline to find a shelter in your community.
2. Admit
that the abuse is a problem that is likely to be repeated.
- Pray
that God would help you take these steps to get you (and your
children) free from violence.
- Let
go of trying to change your partner and entrust him to God.
3. Develop
an Action Plan in case another incident occurs or you feel unsafe.
- Make
a list with emergency #’s: 911, police/sheriff, hotline(s),
shelter
- Make
a list of safe people you can call for support.
- Make
arrangements for safe places you can go if you’re in
danger (See Step 1 above).
- Pack
a small bag with the above lists, clothing, toiletries, and
personal items for you and your children. Hide this bag.
- Keep
the following essentials handy in a safe place: money, keys,
driver’s license, car registration, checkbooks, credit
cards, medications, address book, green card.
4. Get
counseling for yourself (and your children if necessary).
- Get
support for the effects the abuse has had on you.
- Strategize
with your counselor on what you need to do to protect yourself
and how you can hold your partner accountable to non-violence.
- Address
your issues (e.g., low self-esteem, weak boundaries, unassertiveness,
mistrust in yourself, idealizing your partner, emotional reactivity,
history of depending upon someone who is unsafe, love/hate
confusion).
- Seek
additional support from your church and/or a support group.
5. Understand
what the Bible teaches about abuse (see attached handout).
6. Calmly
and firmly tell your partner that it is unacceptable for him
to be violent with you.
- Encourage
him to get help from a counselor and/or support group.
- Tell
him that if he disrespects your boundary you and the children
will leave until he demonstrates over time that he respects
you (and your children) and that it is safe to be with him.
- Don’t
cry wolf! Don’t tell him you’ll leave until you’ve
thought it over long and hard, talked about in confidence
with at least one person you trust and respect, and are ready
to act.
- If need
to leave explain to him (once you are safe - this can be done
in a counselor’s office or over the phone or in writing
if you’re afraid) him why you left and what your conditions
are for returning. Set clear, objective expectations with
a time frame (e.g., once a week attendance at Men at Peace
group and/or counseling for 3 months continuous, 3 months
time with no violence, 3 months sobriety from alcohol or drugs).
- Do not
return until your conditions are met.
7. As
needed utilize resources for victims.
- For
shelter’s, information, or support you can call the 24-hour
National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE.
- You
need financial help or other assistance call the Victim-Witness
Assistance Program for crisis intervention, referrals, emergency
assistance and other help at 1-800-VICTIMS.
- If the
violence continues contact the Attorney General’s office
in your state to learn your legal rights and to understand
Domestic Violence Protective Orders and child custody issues
Crisis
Counseling for Domestic Violence Victims
Note:
As with all crisis counseling calls, having an open, non-judgmental,
non-emotionally reactive, and compassionate attitude is key.
It may seem obvious to you that the caller is making a bad decision
or isn’t thinking, but remember she may have a history
of being abused as a child, be mentally ill, or be emotionally
immature. For some victims it takes them a long time, little
by little to realize the severity of their problem and start
taking positive steps to get out. Be especially careful if you’ve
been abused yourself, that you don’t over-react or project
your feelings and experience onto the caller.
- 1. Listen
and validate her feelings not her perceptions
- 2. Communicate
concern for her well-being
- 3. Focus
her on herself - she can’t change or control him
- 4. Give
her objective feedback
- 5. Build
her self-esteem
- 6. Explore
options, referrals, resources
- 7. Pray,
entrusting her to God
What the Bible Says About Men, Women, and Abuse
- 1.
Men and women are both encouraged by Jesus to humble themselves
as little children (Matthew 18:2-4).
- 2.
Those who want to be most important should seek to be least
important (Luke 9:48, Mark 9:33-35).
- 3.
Those
who want to be great leaders should seek to serve others as
Jesus did (Matthew 20:25-28).
- 4.
Wives
and husbands are to submit to each other, following Jesus’
example of humble service (John 13:12-17, Ephesians 5:21).
- 5.
Husband’s
“headship role” is to follow Jesus’ model of
being a servant-leader who did not lord it over others. They
are to love their wives, give themselves up for their wives,
care for their wives as they care for their own bodies, just
as Christ does for the church (Mark 10:42-43, Ephesians 5:25-28,
1 Peter 5:1-4).
- 6.
Violent
behavior, perverse speech, and injustice are evil (Proverbs
8:13, 13:2, 24:1-2, 28:5).
- 7.
We are to avoid, shun, and hate evil - abuse is evil (Proverbs
3:7, 8:13, Romans 12:9, 1Thessalonians 5:22).
- 8.
Like Jesus, we should not submit to evil or let others control
us (Matthew 12:15, 16:21-23, John 6:15).
- 9.
When we are sinned against Jesus encouraged us to confront
the person in private. If he doesn’t listen then we’re
to bring one or two witnesses along. If he still doesn’t
listen we’re to withdraw ourselves from him until he
changes. (Matthew 18:15-17)
- 10.
Withdrawing from someone who continually sins against you
is not only good for you, it is the best way to help the one
who violated you (1 Corinthians 5:5, Titus 3:10-11).
Sample Call Script:
Communicating
Concern:
Caller: I know it’s my fault. If
I had cleaned the house better then he wouldn’t have hit
me.
NH: I’m concerned for you. Are you
physically injured?
Reflecting
Feelings:
Caller: I have a bruise on my upper arm.
It hurts a little. Mostly I’m just upset at myself. I know
to have the home spotless when he gets home.
NH: It feels to you like you’re to
blame for his violence.
Focusing
on Her, Not Him:
Caller: Yes, I knew he’d get angry
that I didn’t clean the kitchen floor. He always comes
home from work in a bad mood on Mondays. You know he… If
only he would…
NH: It sounds like you feel terrible pressure
to make him happy.
Objective
Feedback:
Caller: That’s because I can’t
be happy when he’s upset at me.
NH: It seems that you’re trying to
control his violent temper that he can’t control. His temper
isn’t your responsibility. It’s his and he’s
to blame for the damage and pain that he causes.
Caller: I suppose, but I know what sets
him off and I hate it when he gets mad.
NH: But he has to learn to control his
own temper. Not cleaning the kitchen floor is no reason for
him to become rageful and violent towards you.
Caller: But he only gets angry when I
mess up.
NH: Yes, but that’s his problem that
he needs to fix. What you need to do is to protect yourself
from his violence and expect him to get help for his problem.
Build her
Self-Esteem:
Caller: He says that I can’t manage
without him and he’s right. I don’t have a job. I’ve
only worked minimum wage jobs. I can’t do very much.
NH: You’re selling yourself short.
You don’t know what you can do til you try. Working a minimum
wage job is a good start. You’ll be earning some money,
you’ll be accomplishing something on your own everyday,
and you’ll feel better about yourself.
Explore
Options:
Caller: I guess I can do that. I did it
before. He doesn’t want me to work though.
NH: You need to do it anyway - for yourself.
Where is a safe place that you can stay if he tries to control
you or loses his temper over this issue?
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