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New Hope Continuing Education, May, 2004
William Gaultiere, Ph.D

When my kids were little they used to love to play hide-n-seek. They'd find their hiding spot and try to be as quiet as they could. I'd count down from twenty and then yell out, "Ready or not, here I come!"

Usually, it was so easy to find them because they'd make a noise or have part of their body sticking out, but I'd pretend not to know where they were for awhile, just to build up the suspense and make it more fun. I'd call, "Jenny, where are you? Hmmmmm. I wonder where she is? Jenny?" Then when I'd finally pull the covers or open the door and exclaim, "I found you!" she'd squeal with such delight!

Why do all kids like to play hide-n-seek? Because it plays out the story of their young lives and the longings of their little souls. It's true for all of us. We've all lost our way and need to be found.

Jesus knew this. That's why he told stories about a poor woman finding her lost coin, a shepherd finding his lost sheep, and a father reuniting with his lost son. It's why God promised his people:

"Though you are at the ends of the earth, the Lord your God will go and find you and bring you back again. Be strong and courageous!" (Deuteronomy 30:4, NLT).

One of the people on my Christian Soul Care devotional list sent me an e-mail that illustrates how we need to be found. I want to share it with you.

A man named John moved into a large Catholic neighborhood. He was a non-practicing Baptist and didn't want any more religious pressure, especially Catholic guilt. So if he saw any of the Catholic men he avoided them. You might say that he was hiding from attachment.

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside cooking a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of hisneighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper.This went on each Friday of Lent. The smell of steak every Friday was driving the Catholic men crazy! It was tempting them to break lent.

So they got together and decided to try to get John to join their group. They tried to befriend him. Over time John began to trust them. He came out of hiding and joined in their group. Eventually, he even started going to Mass with them and joined their Catholic church.

The day that John was baptized into the Catholic church the Priest sprinkled some water over him and said, "You were born a Baptist, you wereraised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic!"

When the nextyear's Lenten season rolled around the men were happy to have John a part of their community and celebrating lent with them. The first Friday ofLent came and when each of the men were eating their tuna fish dinners there came awafting smell of steak cooking on a grill!

The neighborhood men called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten that it was the first Friday of Lent. They arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steakon the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish!"

The One Thing we all Need: God's LIFE

I believe that the one thing that we all need is: God's LIFE in our souls. We need to come alive with God's holiness and wholeness, living and breathing in and through us.

I think there are four ways that we need God's LIFE, four needs that our souls have:

• Love: relational, care and comfort (roots of tree)
• Identity: structure, "self", limits, values, purpose, esteem (tree trunk)
• Favor: grace, generosity, forgiveness (leaves)
• Enthusiasm: doing God's work, overflowing to others with blessings (fruit)

(I went into this in detail during "Caring for Souls in Jesus' Name" in the seminar, "We're hungry for God's LIFE," which you can order from New Hope.)

[LIFE]

My model is similar to the four developmental psychological needs that Cloud and Townsend refer to as:

• Bonding/attachment
• Boundaries/separateness
• Integrating good and bad/reality
• Responsibility/adulthood

Helpful and Harmful Hiding from Attachment

Pride, hurtful experiences, shame, and fear cause us to hide each of these four needs.

To hide is to deny our needs, sins, or hurts in relationship with God, other people, and ourselves.

"Hiding from Love" describes the problems of hiding and how to overcome them. Townsend summarizes his message by saying, "We all long to be cared for, but we prevent it by hiding from love."

Our hiding problems begin with hiding from attachment. This is the first and most important type of hiding we need to deal with. Because it denies our most basic, fundamental need to be loved, to be connected to caring people. Getting our other needs met hinges on this foundation.

There are many ways that we hide from our need for love or attachment, as well as from the other critical issues of our development.

We hide internally through defense mechanisms and externally through compulsions and unhealthy relationship patterns.

How many of you saw the film, "Finding Nemo"? It's the story of the gospel in so many ways.

We're like Nemo. We've gotten trapped in a fish tank because of our sin and we're about to be tortured and destroyed by Darla, the evil niece of the dentist who captured Nemo.

Nemo's father Marlin is Christ (except that he's fearful and overprotective!) and he comes looking to save us.

Marlin relies on a dingy, forgetful fish named Dory to help him remember the address on the diver's mask and to look for Nemo. I know it's unflattering to us, but Dory represents the Body of Christ, the people who are Christ's Ambassadors to those who are lost and hurting. Did you know that you're a dingy, forgetful fish?!

Nemo does a lot of hiding. Some is helpful and some harmful.

It's helpful for Nemo:

· To hide from the eel that killed his mother and siblings

· To hide from Darla, the sadistic, menacing teenage girl with braces

Jesus warned us that Satan would come after us and push people to mistreat us. In John 10:10 Jesus said quite bluntly that Satan comes to steal, kill, and destroy us! But, and here's the good news, he comes to bring abundant and eternal life to our souls.

And so it's helpful for:

• A boy to hide his tears from an explosive father
• Or a woman to hide her emotions from a critical boss
• Or a man to hide from temptations to use pornography

Helpful hiding is temporary and conscious to protect you from danger until you find someone safe to care for you.

But Nemo demonstrated a number of harmful hiding patterns which Townsend talks about in his chapter on, "Hiding from Attachment."

• He denied his own vulnerabilities when he took the dare from his friends and swam out alone into the deep ocean to touch "the but!" (what they called the boat) and that led him to being captured by the diver, who put Nemo into the fish tank in his dental office (Defense of "omnipotence")
• Apparently, he internalized his father's anger and became self-critical, shaming himself and getting depressed with thoughts something like, "I screwed up swimming out into the deep." (Defense of introjection)
• He projected (another internal defense mechanism) his anger at his father by thinking, "He's still mad at me. He doesn't care. He's given up on me." (How often we do this with God!)
• When he first was put into the fish tank he split off his bad part and his needy part by hiding his story from the other fish. (Defense of splitting good and bad)
• Nemo wanted care and help, but was more afraid of being hurt than being alone so he became detached and depressed. (Avoidant relational style)

Similarly, it's harmful for:

• A girl to hide the shame of molestation from a caring mother
• Or a man to hide his drug addiction from his counselor
• Or a husband to hide his financial stress from his wife

Harmful hiding is continual and unconscious and misses out on available care.

Since childhood we all have hid, often in harmful ways, and we need to learn to come out of hiding and into loving relationships with God and trustworthy people in order to get our needs met and live the life that God has designed for us.

The Hound of Heaven is Looking for You

How many of you read my Christian Soul Care devotional e-mail, "The Hound of Heaven is Looking for You"?

If you didn't get it you'll want to sign up to receive this free inspirational message for your soul that I write twice a month. (You can sign up at my website, www.ChristianSoulCare.com.)

In any case, you may have heard of the poem, "The Hound of Heaven" by Francis Thompson. For over 100 years it's been speaking to people's struggles to come out of hiding and trust in God's love.

When I read the whole poem recently I couldn't take my heart off of it! I read it and re-read it and re-read it and re-read it - with dictionary in hand to translate the Old English and my soul longing to overcome my resistance and rest in God's love - I stepped into this poem that was telling my life story.

I have to admit that in many ways I, too, have run from "The Hound of Heaven," supremely loving and beautiful as He is, because I've resisted surrendering all to Him and having nothing else. But still my "Tremendous Lover" keeps looking for me.

Finally, I realized that to drive Him away is to drive Love away; and as Francis Thompson writes, God offers to me "the breasts o' her tenderness." I see His hand "outstretched caressingly" and I hear His sweet, resounding voice, "Rise, clasp my hand, and come!" Finally, I yielded my heart to my "Tremendous Lover," "The Hound of Heaven."

It's like David writes in Psalm 139:

"O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?. How precious concerning me are your thoughts, O God!" (Psalm 139:1-2, 7, 17a, NIV).

God's love is looking for a deep and eternal caring connection with you and me. Learning how to embrace God's love is the most important thing we can do in life!

God calls to us in so many ways. If only we'd listen and respond.

"My tears have been my food day and night. [But] Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls" (Psalm 42:3a, 7a, NIV). Yes, "There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God" (Psalm 46a, NIV). The Father draws us (John 6:44). Jesus offers, "If anyone is thirsty let him come to me" (John 7:38a, NIV). "The Spirit and the bride [which is the Body of Christ] say, 'Come!' And let him who hears say, 'Come!' Whoever is thirsty, let him come; and whoever wishes, let him take the free gift of the water of life" (Revelation 22:17, NIV). "Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb" (Revelation 22:1, NIV). Jesus is there, inviting us: "Let him drink and streams of living water will flow from within him" (John 7:38b, NIV). "As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God?" (Psalm 42:1-2-, NIV). "Now is the time of God's favor" (2 Corinthians 6:2b, NIV).Yes, I'll "Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise. For the LORD is good and his love endures forever" (Psalm 100: 4a, 5a, NIV).

These are words from the Bible, a tapestry of Scriptures. Can you hear God calling you into loving relationship?

To receive and give His love is what our hearts long for. Father, Son, and Spirit are inviting us to drink the Living Water. The Body of Christ, angels, and all of creation call out to us. They all say, "Come drink the water of life." But you and I need to open our hearts and join the chorus by saying, "Yes! I'll come!" And when we do, when we drink God's living water it becomes a spring flowing from within us to share with others.

In what way are you lost? How do you need to drink in God's love? I want to give you a few moments to talk to God about your need as we listen to this song.

["Time after Time," Nichole Nordeman]

Coming Out of Hiding

I know what it's like to be lost and I know what it's like to be found by love. That's why I wanted to speak with you on this subject tonight.

In my family system as a boy, I was the "hero child" because so much was expected of me and I was praised for my accomplishments; but I came to realize that underneath the role I played, I was a lost child. (If you were stuck in a dysfunctional family role - like parentified child, scapegoat, rebel, identified patient, or clown - then it's the same for you: Underneath the false self hides your lost, true self.)

In my case I knew that my parents loved me, but I didn't experience much care for my true self on the inside. I was scared of my dad's anger and my mom's emotionalism. I tried to be ideal and strong so I hid my needs and hurts and grew up way too fast.

Thank God that when I was lost he looked for me and found me! The Hound of Heaven's love came to me again and again and in ways that were increasingly recognizable for me:

· In the Bible, worship, prayer, and visions (spiritual disciplines)

· In friends, teachers, therapy groups, and psychotherapy (relationships)

· In marriage (designed to show God's passionate love for his bride, us)

· On hiking trails, at the beach, and in my garden (nature)

· In prayer partners, spiritual directors, and spiritual growth groups like the "Christ's Ambassadors Discipleship Group" I lead annually (spiritual care)

· And as I cared for others (helping others)

Actually, he was always there at my side, but as I sought him with my whole heart in these ways over the years I've come to appreciate and grow in his love for me.

But it certainly has not been easy! At one point, back in 1992, while I was in my own psychotherapy and I was fearfully coming out of hiding I wrote a poem about my experience. Even thought that was a long time ago I feel vulnerable sharing it with you. Not only does it come from a tender place in my history and my heart, but also it's writing from my soul. I want to share though because you may be one of the people who really needs to hear it.

Becoming "I"

I looked up and into the whites of your eyes
And I saw myself deep inside the bottom of an old well -

Dark
Damp
Dreary
Dirty -

All alone except for your eyes peering from the skies;
Lost until now but still trapped in this living hell.
I didn't even know I was down inside there;
I thought it was me who was up on the ground outside -

Successful
Supportive
Spirited
Spotless -

But it couldn't be me who has looked so good everywhere;
It must be the roles I played so my pain I could hide.
This is the real me who is down this old well then.
Those who've walked by me just didn't see or hear -

Tears
Tenderness
Trembling
Turmoil -

I reached out to them until I couldn't reach out again;
I remained alone and unknown until you came and waited near.
Now your hand reaches way down and I want to reach way high;
I'm trying to trust again because I need what you offer -

Light
Love
Life
Laughter -

Please keep looking and waiting and reaching for my reply;
Our hands - are just - about - to come - to - ge - ther.
William Gaultiere
© 1992

Notice that each of the four stanzas of the poem form an "I" because that's what soul connecting does: it enables us to become our true self.

A number of months ago I spoke to you about learning how to bond and I suggested that we needed to learn to R-I-S-C. That's what my poem is about.

Reach out
Internalize care
Self-soothe
Care for others

Think of "RISC" as four-steps to come out of hiding from attachment. This is our part in getting found by God's love. We have to "Work out our salvation with fear and trembling for it is God who works in us to will and to act" (Philippians 2:12, NIV)

I tell people that the power of counseling, or any relationship for that matter, is if you and I join with God in caring for you. "A cord of three strands is not easily broken," Solomon taught (Ecclesiastes 4:12, NIV).

We can't just sit back - hiding in the dark, denying our pain and isolating from relationships - and expect God or someone to just break through and heal all our hurts and make all our problems go away.

We have to RISC.

(For more of my thoughts on RISC you can order from me my tape, "Soul Connections: How to Bond and Come Alive")

Let's look at how Nemo came out of hiding by taking the biggest RISC of his life.

[Finding Nemo]

I just love that clip! It gives me chills every time I hear all the fish and turtles and pelicans passing on the startling news of the father's outrageous love and heroic efforts to save Nemo. It's a picture of our "Hound of Heaven," the "Tremendous Lover" of our souls.

But notice what Nemo has to do to connect with his father:

• He has to come out of his hiding spot in dark hollow of the log
• He has to move from depression to hope, daring to believe the Pelican's report that his father would come

And he takes this RISC:

• Even though the last time Nemo saw his father his father was angry at him for disobeying and swimming into danger

• And even though Nemo had been stuck in the fish tank and far from his father for what seemed like forever
• Nemo's faith emboldened him to enact a rescue plan to get out of the fish tank, which he eventually succeeded in doing with the help of the Pelican and the other fish in the tank.

It's a Relational, Regenerative Process

Let me show you how this works. Just in case it's hard for you to identify with a fish here's a human example! (This is a composite story, not anyone you could identify.)

Julie grew up in a violent home. Her father was a perfectionist and a rage-aholic and her mother was always trying to make things happy and nice. Her older brother rebelled against dad's control and mom's pretense and he was harshly punished, yelled at, and physically abused. Julie had a different response. Like me, she became the hero child.

Julie told me, "I was such a 'good Christian girl' that I was able to avoid my dad's temper. I learned from my mom. I just made everything nice all the time. And I did everything I could to keep my dad from blowing up at my brother. I cleaned up after him in the kitchen. I made sure he did his homework - sometimes I even did it for him. I made up excuses for him when he missed dinner or didn't do what he was supposed to."

I told Julie that she set the Guinness World Record for the number of egg shells she walked on without breaking any!

But she paid a high price for all of her hiding patterns:

She internalized her father's harshness and was extremely self-critical of her neediness. (Introjection defense)

• This is one of the ways she tried to protect herself back from being vulnerable and exposed to her father's rage.

• But on the inside she felt really bad about herself and suffered with severe anxiety that caused her stomach ulcers.

The other way she denied the little girl from her history and her heart was to split it off. (Defense of splitting apart good and bad)

• She just pretended those little girl feelings and needs didn't exist. She kept her needy parts out of her awareness and away from people who could hurt her.
• Like her mom she made herself look good and happy and strong on the outside.
• But this was exhausting for her. She was such a false self that she told me one time, "I feel like a department store mannequin."

Julie was a caregiver to the max. (Relational hiding style)

• She projected her neediness onto others and then tried to help them.
• Her dating relationships were all based on this. She'd find someone who had problems - an angry drug addict, a man unsure of his sexual orientation, an unemployed man on disability - and then she'd take care of him.
• This helped her to feel strong and in control.
• But she hated the conflict and got resentful of giving and giving all the time.

As you might guess, Julie couldn't maintain this "ideal self" all the time. So she had another relational hiding pattern: passive-aggressiveness.

• From her adolescence and into her late 20's when she sought my help she had a lot of secrets that contradicted the nice Christian girl image that she showed to her family and friends at church. She had sex with her boyfriends and she even cheated on them. She'd go to bars to smoke and drink and flirt with strangers.
• This was her release for her aggression at her abusive father.
• But she hated her inconsistency and hypocrisy. It confused her and depressed her. And it kept her from learning how to deal with her anger directly, by confronting issues and speaking the truth in love.

Over the years as Julie hid her hurt and anger, pretended to be ideal, and secretly sinned, she always knew that God loved her and had more for her. Finally, God got her attention after Julie picked up a Sexually Transmitted Disease. She made an appointment to talk with me.

One way to understand how I helped Julie is to look at how I helped her come out of hiding from attachment by going through the Feel - Think - Do Triangle of our souls.

Julie did a lot of "Feel - Do" (acting out feelings without thought via "Impulsions," emotional reactions, caregiving) and some "Think - Do" (acting out thoughts without feeling feelings via intellectualizing, obsessing, and emotional detachment)

["Feel - Think - Do" vs. "Think - Do" or "Feel Do"]

She needed to learn to Feel - Think - Do with the 3 R's of soul care:

Responsive Feelings
Realistic Thinking Responsible
Behavior
Let me add two more "R's":
These are only developed in relationship with God, others, and self.
The goal is regeneration.

The Feel - Think - Do Triangle teaches us to stop unconsciously reacting to situations and instead to consciously respond to them by talking out our feelings and thoughts with a caring listener before we act. The idea is to develop back and forth communications internally, two-lane roads between each corner of our soul's triangle: feelings and thoughts, thoughts and feelings, feelings and actions, actions and feelings, thoughts and actions, actions and feelings. We call this type of verbalizing, a reflecting "processing," and it's the heart of psychotherapy (including New Hope Counseling) and also of spiritual direction, which is focused on spiritual growth rather than psychological healing.

God regenerates us in these three dimensions as He and others relate to us and we relate to Him and others. Let's look at each point of the triangle.

Responsive Feelings. Julie had never paid much attention to her feelings before. But in time, as I asked her questions and listened, she became aware of the feelings of rejection and anger and fear that she'd been denying. She learned to feel and to connect in relationship.

Realistic Thinking. I helped Julie develop a two-lane road between her feelings and her thoughts and to travel this road back and forth before she acted. Her hiding patterns had been mostly unconscious, meaning she didn't think about them. Internalizing her father's harshness, acting ideal, caregiving others, and passive-aggressive behavior were all things that she did reacting out of emotion without thinking clearly. She learned to think carefully about her feelings and desires before she acted on them.

Responsible Behavior. There were a number of changes she needed to make here. One was to be direct with her anger. I noticed that when she felt hurt by something I said or by a limit I set, that she didn't feel angry or even frustrated, but would show me her feelings by canceling her next session. This was her passive-aggressive hiding pattern that she'd been using in other areas of her life. I showed her that she could verbally express her anger at me, work through the conflict between us instead of internalizing it. Talking it out helped her not to act it out.

Another thing we worked on to help her become responsible was acknowledging limits. She learned that she could say no to people who expected too much of her and things wouldn't fall apart.

She even stood up to her parents, disagreeing with them at times and developing her own plans even when it disappointed them, like at the holidays.

In time as she became more assertive and direct she was able to stop her passive aggressive and immoral behavior.

Our Hope is in God's Pursuing Love

The hope for those hiding from attachment is in responding to God's pursuing love.

This is the dominant message of the Bible. If only we will feed our souls on it. Not just read the words, but "eat" them with hungry souls, praying over God's Words, meditating on them, working them into our hearts and lives.

And it's the message in the gentle roar of the waves at the beach, the birds that sing as they flutter from flower to flower, the warm sun that embraces us, and all of God's creation.

Most tangibly, there are people in the Body of Christ, "Ambassadors for Christ", who will show us God's love and help us to heal and to grow. It's why churches offer small groups and recovery groups. It's why I'm a Psychologist and a Spiritual Director. It's why you're a New Hope Counselor. And it's why you're here in this room listening to me right now.