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New Hope CE Notes, April 30 2001
Dr. Bill Gaultiere
Director of New Hope & Psychologist with ChristianSoulCare.com
(714) 971-4213,
DrBill@CrystalCathedral.org

WELCOME
I applaud you for being a New Hope volunteer! You endure many difficulties and challenges, filling shifts when it's not convenient, serving on holidays or late shifts, listening to people's problems when you could be playing, and dealing with some difficult callers. THANK YOU!

GOALS OF THIS CLASS

1. Learn to identify and discriminate between Needy Frequent Callers/Chatters, Stuck Frequent Callers/Chatters, and Abusive Frequent Callers/Chatters.
2. Prepare your heart to be kind and caring to every caller/chatter, even those who don't deserve it.
3. Increase your ability to set boundaries with people who are stuck or abusive.

1. Jesus taught that we're blessed when we care for "the least of these," those who are struggling or are less fortunate then we are (Matthew 25:31-46). Most of our frequent callers/chatters are mentally ill, disconnected from family or friends, poor, and lonely.
2. Dealing with difficult calls helps us appreciate the calls where you really connect with someone and know you've made a difference.
3. Dealing with difficult people gives us practice in setting boundaries — in a kind way. This is a valuable life skill! We need to be able to set boundaries with family and friends and co-workers.
4. You probably haven't thought of it this way, but all of us are stuck, to one degree or another, with certain problems or sins. We have issues in our lives that we want to change and are likely to be struggling to do so in one or more areas. Having compassion for stuck people can remind us of this and re-energize us to make progress.

HOW DO YOU HANDLE "CHRONICS"?
Six years ago, when I was new to New Hope, I did a survey of New Hope telephone counselors on this question. At this time there wasn't a regular class being taught on boundary setting. Three inferior approaches that counselors were using were: just nurture them, just be direct, and detach.

JUST NURTURE THEM
Counselors said things like, "I don't mind chronic callers. It's not for me to judge their needs to be any less than the next person's. I'm a servant. I'll give what I can and trust Jesus to work it!" "We need to be sure we can't help a caller before we terminate the call." "After 15 minutes they discover still another 'crisis' to make the call go one hour. I believe these souls need our listening ear. Help!"

There are problems with this approach for dealing with callers/chatters who are chronically stuck or abusive. Other people who are in crisis and need our help get a "busy" signal. It undermines the work of other counselors who put time limits and set boundaries with these people. And it leads to counselor burn out.

The desire to be nurturing is admirable, but we also need to set boundaries! (More on this later.) We have to be realistic about what help we can and cannot give. And we must focus our time on being available for people in crisis or need who benefit the most from our service.

JUST BE DIRECT
Other counselors were using an opposite approach. They were setting boundaries and focusing the conversations, but maybe not being kind in the way they did it. They said things like, "Focus on one subject to avoid being drawn into a chaotic diatribe." "Stick with today." "Encourage baby steps."

These are good instructions for dealing with these people, as long as we remember to be caring.

STAY DETACHED
A few counselors at the time of the survey were rather fed up with "chronics." One said, "Hang up if they don't demonstrate a willingness to change." Another used a novel approach. He put one stuck lady on speaker phone, went to another booth, and took another call! Then, when that call was done he went back to the first lady who was still talking on and on!

THREE TYPES OF FREQUENT CALLERS/CHATTERS
Not all people who call or chat with us again and again are the same. So we don't respond to them in the same way. The three basic types are those who are Needy, Stuck, or Abusive.

NEEDY CALLERS/CHATTERS
These are people who are being helped by New Hope. They may be in crisis. We respond to them according to their crisis or need for care.

For many years an older woman named Wilma called us every night to ask for a "tuck in prayer." Once a day, we'd spend 5-10 minutes listening to her and then offering her a prayer. We enjoyed talking to her and she appreciated us so much.

A man dying of AIDS called us every day over a period of a month or two and our counselors had lengthy discussions with him as he was suffering and grieving. We were honored to spend those hours caring for him.

Recently, "fireflyfoot" has come into our chat room repeatedly. We had her taken to the hospital one time because she had tried to poison herself to death with alcohol. Separately, she and her mother contacted us later to thank us. She continues to be in crisis and to have problems with alcohol and we're doing our best to help her.

Wade wrote us at New Hope to thank us. He wrote, "I have called New Hope 40 or 50 times since the death of my wife… I've missed her so terribly. When her life ended, in effect mine did too. Whenever I was at the point where it did not seem possible that I could survive I would call New Hope. It is wonderful that it is open 24-hours a day. Especially because I do not have children, siblings, or friends to offer a cushion of support and the aloneness can be stark and palpable… I wish I had kept a list of the names of the various counselors who buoyed me up. One man sounded as if he had been a minister. God bless you all who give to the wounded!" New Hope is all about helping people like this!

STUCK CALLERS/CHATTERS
These are people who keep calling or chatting with us to tell us the same stories over and over. They are not getting any better. They don't seem to want to change. They may be very detached or they may be playing games with us. The bottom line is that they're not benefiting from New Hope, are tying valuable time that's meant for people in crisis/need, and discourage us if we let them. We need to limit our time with these people to about 10 minutes on the phone or 20 minutes in the chat room.

An example is Judy/Judith who calls New Hope multiple times in the same day talking about the same problems (she's lonely and has bi-polar disorder) and saying she wants to marry Dr. Schuller. Using the "Frequent Caller Daily Log" has helped us to limit her to one 10-minute call per day. Additional calls beyond that are to set a boundary that she needs to wait until tomorrow to call back.

For more specific input on responding to these callers/chatters see below.

ABUSIVE CALLERS/CHATTERS
These people are out of bounds. They may try to reverse roles with you and put the focus on you for one reason or another. They may be very critical or raging, particularly if we set any limits. They may try to dominate, control, and manipulate the counselor, hanging up if they don't get their way. They may be sexually inappropriate, flirting, being sensual, going into graphic sexual details.

An example is Craig/Paul/Joseph (he changes his name) who calls to complain about the world's problems, to lecture us on religion, or talk compulsively about his problems. When counselors set time limits on him or just try to talk he gets angry and can become verbally abusive and use profanity.

Another example from our chat room is "Jack Ass"/"Born Loser"/"Failure"/ "Dead Man" (He changes his user name often and each one tells us something about him!) who threatens to suicide by drinking bleach. Through experience we've determined that he's making this up to upset our counselors. He is obnoxious in his manner, trying to manipulate counselors into fixing his problems and then criticizing your efforts. When he's confronted or time limits are set then he becomes more abusive.

As soon as you identify that a caller/chatter is being inappropriate or abusive you need to confront this, following the guide to "speak the truth in love" (Ephesians 4:15). Invite the caller to ask for help sincerely and if he/she doesn't then say you need to end the call and say goodbye.

HOW TO RESPOND TO STUCK FREQUENT CALLERS

1. Identify them as stuck frequent callers
Hotline counselors can use the daily log, white board, "Top 20," and "Frequent Caller List" to help you identify these people by name, city, profile or phone number. Chat room counselors can use our message board and e-mail alerts for this purpose.

Also, if you ask for the caller's name and they don't want to tell you or are defensive, then you may have a stuck frequent caller. Similarly, you can ask, "Have you called before?" Again, their response is an indicator. Of course, in time with the most frequent callers you'll come to recognize their story, voice (on the phone) or style (in the chat room).

2. Be kind — they're probably mentally ill and very lonely
As New Hope Counselors we represent the Crystal Cathedral and, most importantly, Jesus Christ. Our mission and our mandate are to be gracious and caring with everyone we talk or chat with, even those who don't deserve it. So don't lose your temper or be mean. It's best not to hang up on people, but to "speak the truth in love." (See "Sample Responses to Stuck or Abusive Frequent Callers.") Nonetheless, you have our permission to hang up to take care of yourself if you're feeling abused and scared or don't know any other way to protect yourself and get off the phone. Most important, when dealing with difficult callers is that you take care of yourself!

3. Be assertive by focusing the call toward an action step
This is very important for dealing with this type of callers and can be difficult for some of our counselors who have big hearts, full of care for others, and aren't used to taking care of themselves or setting boundaries.

Begin by focusing the call by asking something like, "What do you need from this call today?" This is part of "Triage" and is always important, it's just more difficult to do with stuck frequent callers/chatters.

Summarize the chronic problem by saying something like, "You seem unable to overcome your problem with ______________." Or, "You've been troubled by family problem for many years now and you can't seem to let go and move on."

Then collaborate on an action step by asking, "What can you do about this?" Often these people are highly resistant to take responsibility for their problems and needs which is perhaps a big part of the reason they're in the condition that they are. They may deflect, spoil, or criticize your help. They may try to get you or someone else to do something more. Your role is to invite them to take a step. If they're not willing to try to help themselves then New Hope has little or nothing to offer them.

Also, you can follow up on previous referral recommendations to encourage the caller to be responsible

4. Offer a friendly time limit warning
Every call or chat needs to come to an end and usually the counselor is the one to bring it to a conclusion. This is especially important with stuck frequent callers because they don't want to end the call, especially after "only" ten minutes (20 minutes in the chat room).

When you know you have a stuck frequent caller you can set a time limit at the beginning by saying, "I have about ten minutes I can spend with you today."

To wrap a call up it's especially helpful to give a time's up warning. Say something like, "I need to go in a few minutes to take another call. Would you like me to pray for you before we say goodbye?"

SAMPLE RESPONSES TO STUCK OR ABUSIVE FREQUENT CALLERS
Repeating same story of unsolved problems:
"Hi ____________. You've called New Hope many times in the past. How is it helping you?"
"You seem to be stuck and things aren't changing for you. What do you need to do differently?"
"What do you need from me today to help you get unstuck?"

Stuck in same problems:
"You seem unable to overcome your problems with ________. What do you need to differently today?"
"You seem disconnected from your feelings. What is it you need from me right now?"

Calling again and again in a short time period (and not in crisis):
"Hi ____________. I understand you called New Hope earlier today. I can only give you 5 minutes now."
"What have you done to take care of yourself today?"
"Did you follow up on referral?"

Mentally or physically ill or in physical pain:
"Are you taking your medication?"
"When was the last time you saw your Dr. (or therapist, or 12 step group)?"

Entitlement complex:
"You seem to expect ____________ to do something more for you, but he/she doesn't. What can you do differently?"
"It sounds like you're blaming other people for your problems. What can you do to make your life what you want it to be?"

Resistant:
"You sound defensive. It's not my intention to criticize you (or pressure you). What is it that you need from me today?"
"You don't seem interested in my support. What is it that you need from me today?"

Manipulative:
"It seems you are trying to take control of this call. I have 10 minutes to listen to you and then I need to take other calls."
"It seems you are being manipulative (or dishonest) with me. That is not appropriate. What is the problem you need help with today?"

Abusive:
"You are being abusive (or inappropriate, or argumentative) and that is not okay. I am going to hang up now."

Here are some of my self-help articles from NewHopeNow that may be appropriate resources for frequent callers.

• Domestic Violence: Surviving to Thriving
• Help for Depression
• You Don't Have to Be Lonely: Get Connected
• Understanding and Help for Schizophrenia
• Free to Love, Free From Lust: Recovery from Sexual Addiction
• Hear God Say 'I Love You'

CE Exam - How to Handle Frequent Callers