New
Hope CE Notes, June 30 2001
Dr.
Bill Gaultiere
Director
of New Hope & Psychologist with ChristianSoulCare.com
(714)
971-4213, DrBill@CrystalCathedral.org
WELCOME
I
pray that this class blesses you as much as it blessed me.
It's good to have you learning with me again this month. You
efforts to deepen your compassion and improve your counseling
skills surely meet with heaven's applause. You've got my applause!
This
month, in view of Mother's Day, we're looking at responding
to people with mother wounds. You've probably talked with callers
or chatters who are mothers with wounds or who have been wounded
by their mothers. You may have some of your own hurts or disappointments
that need comfort. I pray that this class is an encouragement
and a help to you in your New Hope Counseling and in your personal
life.
GOALS
OF CLASS
1.
Grow in your understanding of and compassion for the painful
feelings that various groups of people have surrounding Mother's
Day and the mother relationship.
2.
Increase your effectiveness in offering New Hope Counseling
for those who have mother wounds.
3.
Experience God's comfort where you need it in your mother
relationship(s) - as a mother or with your mother.
BASEBALL,
MOM, AND APPLE PIE!
As
in the All-American saying, Mom is usually found right in the
middle of the best things in our culture. For most people their
mother is the most important person in their lives. She's what
holds the family together. She maintains the home. (Not just
the "house.") She helps everyone in the family to manage their
lives.
More
than anyone else, she has contributed to the development of
who you are. For instance, you probably relate to your self
- your feelings and needs - a lot like she did. And, in the
research I did for my Ph.D. dissertation, I learned that people
tend to view God a lot like they view their mothers.
Are
you getting the idea that we tend to expect a lot out of our
mothers? Moms, you know what I'm talking about, don't you!
KIDS,
MOMS, AND "UNMENTIONABLES"
Read
this story from an anonymous Mom.
My
three-year old son had a lot of problems with potty training
and I
was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell
for a quick lunch between errands. It was very busy, with
a full dining room.
While
enjoying my taco I smelled something funny, so of course I checked
my seven-month old daughter. And she was clean.
Then I realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while,
so I
asked, and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh
Lord, that child has had an accident and I don't have any clothes
with me.
Then I said, "Matt, are you sure you did not have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I
just knew that he must have had, because the smell was getting
worse. So I asked one more time, "Matt, did you have an
accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled "See Mom, it's
just farts!"
WHAT
KIDS NEED FROM THEIR MOMS
Here's
four - just four! - basic qualities that we need from our mothers
for our psychological and spiritual development. (Kids need
these things from their fathers too!)
1.
Nurturing. This is sometimes used as a synonym for mothering.
That's how much we expect it from her. It's our most basic
need as children. To be nurtured is to be comforted or soothed
with hugs, listening, affirming words, and care. A child who
receives good nurturing will bond well, which means attach in
relationship or develop intimacy. These children are emotionally
alive, meaning they know what they feel and what they want and
they experience a range of emotions.
2.
Boundaries. Children need to be disciplined. They need
to be punished for disobedience and bad behavior. (The punishment
part is not something I like to do, but I learned fast that
it was important!) They need to be taught values to live by
and how to be responsible and caring toward others. They need
to be encouraged to develop independence, separateness and self-care.
Children with good boundaries can say no. They have their own
opinions. They have a separate sense of "self" - not enmeshed
with, smothered by, or controlled by Mom or anyone else.
3.
Forgiveness. Forgiveness is God's way to help us to
integrate good and bad. All kids sin and mess up and they need
to learn to say they're sorry and then to be given mercy and
grace.
4.
Mentoring. This is about more than learning a job.
It's about learning how to live well. Teenagers, young adults,
and even adult children may look to their mothers for guidance
in dealing with life. What a blessing for a mother to pass
on her Christian faith, as Timothy's mother (and grandmother)
did for him. (2 Timothy 1:5) My mother was instrumental in
my becoming a Christian and to this day I rely on her prayers
for me.
GOD
AS THE MODEL MOTHER
Psalm
91 is one of the places in the Bible where God is presented
as being like a mother. It' gives a good model for mothers
to aspire to. El Shaddai, the Hebrew word for God used here
comes from a word that means "many breasted one." I've used
this Psalm to help people who struggle with God being "Father"
to experience God as a nurturing, protective mother figure.
"He
who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the
shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, `He is my refuge
and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.' Surely he will save
you from the fowler's snare and from the deadly pestilence.
He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you
will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
You will not fear. You will only observe with your eyes and
see the punishment of the wicked. You will tread upon the lion
and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent."
(Psalm 91:1-5a, 8, 13)
WHAT
MOMS NEED FROM THEIR KIDS
Mothers
have needs too!
1.
Appreciation. No one, children included, benefits much
from care unless they appreciate it! This is one reason why
the Bible again and again instructs us to be thankful.
To appreciate care is to smile and say "Thank you!" It's to
receive it, accept as being for you, accept yourself as being
worth it, take it inside, and use it for your well-being.
2.
Respect. For young children this is spelled o-b-e-y!
For older kids we can call it honor. "`Honor your father
and mother' - which is the first commandment with a promise."
(Ephesians 6:2). What does this mean? I believe it means
to recognize and place "weight" or value upon the important
role she's had in your life. And it means forgiving the bad
in her and appreciating the good. It not only benefits Mom,
but, as God promises, it is a blessing to the child or adult
child as well.
3.
Realistic expectations. This could also be called "second
chances." Moms, like anyone else, make mistakes. Kids give
their mothers second chances when they say they're sorry and
do their best. The other day my wife Kristi lost her temper
with David, our 11-year old boy, for not cleaning up after himself
when he'd been asked to do so. Jenny, our 9-year old girl,
was listening and she exclaimed, "You committed adultery Mommy!
I mean child abusion!"
4.
Care as they get older. As in the long-time best-selling
children's book I'll Love You Forever, roles reverse
with time and eventually mothers may be as little children and
need care from their adult children.
THIS
MOM TOOK ADVANTAGE OF HER SECOND CHANCE
If
I had to point to one thing that was the key to parenting I
think I'd say it was responding well to second chances. God
gives us second chances ("Though a righteous man falls
done seven times, he rises again." Proverbs 24:16) and we need
to give ourselves and others - especially our mothers - the
same. Here's a story of an opportunistic Mom.
"Mommy,
look!" cried my daughter, Darla, pointing to a chicken
hawk soaring through the air.
"Uh
huh," I murmured, driving, lost in thought about the tight
schedule of my day. Dinner, baths and phone calls filled the
hours until bedtime. "Come on, Darla, time for bed!"
She raced past me up the stairs. Tired, I kissed her on the
cheek, said prayers and tucked her in.
"Mom,
I forgot to give you something!" she said, holding a piece
of paper. My patience was gone.
"Give
it to me in the morning," I said, but she shook her head.
"You
won't have time in the morning!" she retorted.
"I'll
take time," I answered defensively.
Sometimes
no matter how hard I tried, time flowed through my fingers like
sand in an hourglass, never enough. Not enough for her, for
my husband, and definitely not enough for me.
She
wasn't ready to give up yet. She wrinkled her freckled little
nose in anger and swiped away her chestnut brown hair. "No,
you won't! It will be just like today when I told you to look
at the hawk. You didn't even listen to what I said."
I
was too weary to argue; she hit too close to the truth. "Good
night!" I shut her door with a resounding thud. Later
though, her gray-blue gaze filled my vision as I thought about
how little time we really had until she was grown and gone.
My
husband asked, "Why so glum?" I told him.
"Maybe
she's not asleep yet. Why don't you check."
I
cracked open her door, and the light from the window spilled
over her sleeping form. In her hand I could see her paper all
crumpled up. Slowly I opened her palm to see what the item
of our disagreement had been. Tears filled my eyes. She had
torn into small pieces a big red heart with a poem she had written
titled, "Why I Love My Mother!"
I
carefully removed the tattered pieces. Once the puzzle was
put back into place, I read what she had written:
"Why
I Love My Mother. Although you're busy, and you work so hard
you always take time to play. I love you Mommy because I am
the biggest part of your busy day!"
The words were an arrow
straight to the heart. Ten minutes later I carried a tray to
her room, with two cups of hot chocolate with marshmallows.
When I softly touched her smooth cheek, she awakened from a
dreamless sleep, and she looked at the tray.
"What
is that for?"
"This
is for you, because you are the most important part of my busy
day!"
She
smiled and sleepily drank half her cup of chocolate. Then she
drifted back to sleep, not really understanding how strongly
I meant what I said.
MOTHER'S
DAY AND FLOWERS
Mother's
day is a hard day for some people. In churches across the country
mothers are honored with special recognition, flowers, prayers
of blessing, and more. They receive cards, phone calls, and
well wishes. And they should be blessed like this. But what
about those who aren't a part of these blessings? Because of
the build-up of expectations in our society, those who aren't
blessed have painful issues brought up. I know because every
year around Mother's Day they talk to me. Consider these five
groups (You may be in one of these groups. Undoubtedly, you
have or you will talk to people like this through New Hope.):
1.
Women who don't get flowers. Because they're not mothers.
They or their husband may have infertility struggles. Or maybe
they just never had children. People assume that a 50-year
old woman is a mother and so she's likely to hear, "Happy Mother's
Day!" and then cry.
2.
Mothers who don't get flowers. Because they have young children
and they're at home caring for them and cleaning house and making
dinner and. They're exhausted and depleted. The work doesn't
stop on holidays or vacations for mothers with children at home!
(Unless they have helpful husbands who give them a break!)
3.
Mothers who feel they don't deserve flowers. Some mothers with
older kids look back and wish they could start over. They feel
bad about how their kids turned out or that they were too busy
or too critical. It's hard for them to live with these regrets.
4.
Mothers who don't get flowers from their adult children. Mothers
who don't hear loving, appreciative words from their kids on
Mother's Day hurt. Often this indicates a child/adult child
who is not honoring Mom.
5.
People who don't give their mothers flowers. (In case you haven't
realized it I'm using "flowers" as a symbol of all types of
appreciation.) People who have been abused, neglected, not
protected (e.g., incest survivors) or otherwise wounded by their
mothers struggle with this day too. They can't find a card
to send. They don't want to talk to their mothers. If she's
died they don't want to even think about her.
RESPONDING
TO THOSE WITH MOTHER'S DAY HURTS
For
each of these five groups of people I've given you a case example
as a New Hope phone call or chat to practice responding to.
This is part of your CE Exam.
NEW
HOPE REFERRALS on
www.NewHopeNow.org
1. National
Parent Information Network, www.npin.org
2. Parents
Anonymous, 1-909-621-6184,
www.parentsanonymous-natl.org
3.Tough
Love International, www.toughlove.org
FREE
NEW HOPE RESOURCESon www.NewHopeNow.org
1."Forgive
and Set Your Soul Free" (New Hope Notes), http://www.newhopenow.org/notes/archive/forgive.set.soul.free.html
2."What
Does it Mean to Honor Your Parents?" (Ask Dr. Bill Article),
http://www.newhopenow.org/ask/honor_parents.html
ADDITIONAL
NEW HOPE TRAINING
Visit
www.NewHopeNow.org/counselors,
for easy access to the "CE Notes" and corresponding exams to
past classes. Our counselors' website also features many "Case
Discussions" to demonstrate good New Hope Counseling.
LET'S
PRACTICE!
To
receive CE credit and the satisfaction of accomplishment take
the CE Exam, which includes a role-play, and turn it into SheilaS@CrystalCathedral.org.
Complete all 11 classes for 2002 and you'll receive a special
award at the end of the year!
NEXT
CE CLASS: "Collaborating with People to Solve Their Problems,"
Monday June 10 at 12:45 pm or Tuesday June 11 at 6:45 pm on
Tower 2 and on our counselor website July 1st.
Healing Mothers
Wounds CE
Exam
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