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New Hope CE Notes, March/April 2001
Dr. Bill Gaultiere
Director of New Hope & Psychologist with ChristianSoulCare.com
(714) 971-4213,
DrBill@CrystalCathedral.org

This CE class is to help you experience more of what matters most ­ closeness, care, and competence by improving your "emotional IQ."

Remember to complete the attached exam for New Hope CE credit.  Perfect CE attendance (either live class OR tape/notes & exam) for all classes in 2001 will receive a special certificate and award!

WELCOME

You're smart to take this class!  And you're about to get smarter!

GOALS OF THIS CLASS

1.    Learn what your "Emotional IQ" is and understand it's importance to your life.

2.    Discover how to improve your Emotional IQ and to increase closeness in your relationships, caring in your helping, and competence in the work you do.

WHAT MATTERS MOST TO US?

God, family, friends, health, helping others, doing our best, enjoying God's blessings ­ yes!  Not money, power, pleasures, success. 

The things that are important to us might be summarized as:

1.    Closeness in our relationships (with God and others),

2.    Caring for those in need (including ourselves), and

3.    Being competent in the work/projects/ministry that we undertake.

HOW JESUS SAID IT

What's most important?  Here's three things Jesus taught near the end of his life on earth.

Jesus said that love is "the greatest commandment."  Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.  And love your neighbor as yourself.  Matthew 22:37-40  (Value: Closeness)

Jesus taught us to care for those who are hungry, thirsty, homeless, sick, and imprisoned.  Matthew 25:14-30 (Value: Caring)

When we stand before God we all want to hear, "Well done, good and faithful servant." Matthew 25:14-30 (Value: Competence)

A HIGH EMOTIONAL IQ IS THE KEY

Daniel Goleman did some ground breaking work to discover that your emotional intelligence is the key to your effectiveness in relationships and work.  (His book is titled, "Emotional Intelligence.")  It's different than your IQ.  They have little relationship.  This measures your emotional and spiritual health.

We've all observed highly gifted, intelligent people, who don't relate well, aren't happy, or haven't accomplished much.  Research says that success in life is only 20% determined by IQ.  Emotional IQ is a big part of the remaining 80%.

WHAT IS YOUR EMOTIONAL IQ?

Take my self-test and find out!  (It's one of many self-tests on www.NewHopeNow.org).

ASPECTS OF YOUR EMOTIONAL IQ

There are five aspects, all come under the concept of the "self."

1.    Self-Awareness.  To be self-aware is to know what you feel as you feel it, to identify, feel, and understand your feelings.  This is the foundation for emotional intelligence.  It is the key.  The other four aspects are based on this.

2.    Self-Soothing.   This means being able to comfort and encourage yourself and to receive or join in the care that others offer you.  To calm yourself when you're upset, to inspire yourself when you're discourage, or, in other words, to manage your moods ­ this is what I'm talking about.  It includes self-esteem.

3.    Self-Control.  This refers to impulse control, or being able to resist temptations or things that are not good for you.  It also includes delayed gratification, or being able to wait for something good ­ work now, reward later. 

4.    Empathy/Caring.  This refers to good people skills ­ knowing what others feel and need and responding with care and an ability to negotiate between others needs and your needs.

5.    Self-Motivated.  This means having the energy, hope, and initiative to work on what's important.  And the discipline to stick with it.  And the persistence to keep working on it even when it's painful or difficult.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HIGH AND LOW EMOTIONAL IQs

JESUS EXHIBITED THE HIGHEST LEVEL OF EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

We see this best in his hour of greatest stress, in the Garden of Gethsemane, just before he was betrayed, ridiculed, tortured, and crucified for the sins of all people.  It was late at night and he had asked his disciples to support him.  (Matthew 26:36-46, Mark 14:32-42, Luke 22:39-46)

1.    Self-awareness.  "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death."  "If it is possible, may this cup be taken from me."

2.    Self-soothing.  He asked the disciples to come with him and to pray with him.  He found strength praying to the Father, calling him "Abba."

3.    Self-controlled. He didn't lose his temper at the sleeping disciples, at Judas who betrayed him, or at the soldiers who arrested him.  He didn't run in fear.  He didn't fall apart emotionally.

4.    Empathy/Caring.  He knew what others were feeling: Judas betraying him, the disciples sleepy, the soldiers pawns of the Pharisees, the disciples ready to fight for the Kingdom of God.  He healed the soldier's ear that had been cut off by Peter.

5.    Self-motivated.  He was prepared to complete his mission and be crucified for the sins of all people.

AN EXAMPLE OF NOT USING GOOD EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

The other day I had a lapse of emotional intelligence before recovering.  It was a rainy Saturday and I was caring for all 3 of my kids, 10, 8, and 5.  I was taking the older two to an Awana's activity day and we were late getting back from Jenny's ­ my middle child ­ soccer game.  I had asked Jenny to get take her cleats off and to get some tennis shoes on.  She took an unreasonably long time to do this, but finally we were in the car.  When we got to the church I went to opened the back door and there was Jenny in her sandles!  How was she going to race and jump and play games in the gym wearing sandles?   I lost my temper and slammed the car door and then gave her a scolding.  This wasn't my best moment as a parent.

1.    Self-awareness.  I didn't take time to feel how pressured I was at being late or how angry I was with Jenny.

2.    Self-soothing.  So I didn't comfort myself.

3.    Self-control.  I lost my temper.

4.    Empathy/Caring.  I didn't know what Jenny was feeling and wasn't concerned about it.

5.    Self-motivated.  Above all I didn't want to deal with the shoes problem.

MY RECOVERY

Fortunately, I made a good recovery.  (If Only I could do that after hitting a bad golf shot!  Instead a bad shot is followed by a worse shot.)  As I was driving Briana, my 5-year old, to a the bookstore where we were going to spend some time until her brother and sister were ready to be picked up, I assessed what happened.

1.    Self-awareness.  I realized that I was time-pressured and angry.  And that now I felt guilty for how I handled the situation and was starting to feel ashamed as a father.

2.    Self-soothing.  I told myself that I wasn't "all bad" as a father or a person, but I had just made a mistake.  I asked and received forgiveness from God.  I reminded myself of my good qualities, like spending quality time with Briana right then!

3.    Self-control.  I contained my feelings and didn't let them negatively impact my time with Briana.

4.    Empathy/Caring.  I thought about how Jenny (and her brother and sister) may have felt criticized and scared.

5.    Self-motivated.  I purposed to ask forgiveness of each of my kids for slamming the door and being overly harsh and to ask them how they felt about that.  I followed through on this when Briana and I picked up David and Jenny 45 minutes later.

HOW TO RAISE YOUR EMOTIONAL IQ AND INCREASE CLOSENESS, CARE, & COMPETENCE

This is a 5-step model for dealing with emotional issues.

1.    Feel your feelings as they happen.  Don't deny, diminish, distract, or defend against your feelings, the heart of your "self."  Pay attention and focus on what you feel.  Identify your feelings and "process" them by sharing with someone you trust, praying, or writing in a journal.

2.    Soothe your "self."  Don't be self-critical or overly self-pressuring.  Ask for support and share your feelings with someone you trust (God, friend, support group, pastor, counselor).  Join with this person in caring for you!  Practice "reaching out" and asking for care in times of need.

Don't give in to emotional extremes of "all good" or "all bad."  Strive to balance and integrate.

3.    Think before you speak or act.  Don't react.  Don't explode or implode.  Instead "contain" your feelings, keep them inside of yourself, giving yourself time to feel and to think about how you feel and what you might say or do about it. 

Practice H-A-L-T.  Hungry?  Angry?  Lonely?  Tired?  Then "stop and think" before you say or do anything.  These are times that you're vulnerable to react poorly and hurt yourself or someone else.  It's especially dangerous if you have two or more of those conditions at the same time!

Here's a picture of emotional "processing:"

4.    Practice active listening skills. This is empathy (feeling what others feel and showing concern) in action!  This is the heart of New Hope Counseling!  You know how to do this, right?  Ask open-ended questions to draw people out.  Summarize what you're hearing the person needs or is struggling with.  And, above all, reflect back what he or she is feeling.

Empathy is focused on the other person's need or "story" not your own.  It means being non-defensive, but hearing what is said as being about the other person, not about you (e.g., not a criticism to rebut or a position to argue, but an experience to understand). 

Learn to be secure and okay with yourself even if someone else is not happy with you!

5.    Persist in the face of obstacles.  Don't give up!  Don't "catastrophize," stay optimistic and give it your best in whatever you're working on.

Don't expect too much or too little, but set reasonable goals and work towards them step by step.  Slow and steady progress is best.  Remember, the turtle wins the race, not the hare!

FREE RESOURCES FOR THE PUBLIC

"Are You Reactive or Responsive?" article by Dr. Bill.

"What's your Emotional IQ?" Self-test by Dr. Bill.

CE Exam How to Increase Closeness, Care, & Competence (Emotional IQ)