New
Hope CE Notes, August 2002
William
Gaultiere, Ph.D.
WELCOME
I appreciate
your eagerness to learn and to improve your skills as a New
Hope Counselor. Without you I wouldn't have a class to teach!
So thank you for your participation and for sharing your feedback
with me on how these classes are helping you.
This CE
class is very important for us as Christian counselors. It
addresses a sensitive issue in New Hope Counseling: how to be
caring and respect Christian values at the same time.
THE
LAMPLIGHTER
Robert Louis
Stevenson was a sickly child who was touched by a scene he saw
every night: an old lamplighter coming down his street in Edinburgh,
Scotland. Every night, the faithful man would come, lighting
the oil lamps one-by-one as darkness descended. Years later,
Stevenson remarked, "What I remember most about the lamplighter
was that he always left a light behind him! And the light was
a guide to those that followed afterwards."
God is Light
and Jesus came into the world as "the Light of the world" and
God has left us with lights to follow in this dark world: His
commandments. God's laws and the teachings of Scripture are
not burdensome, but good for us. This is why the Psalmist says
he "delights" in God's laws.
FAULTY
PHILOSOPHIES FOR DEALING WITH MORAL ISSUES
Value
Criticism: "I know what's best for you. You should do
______. If you don't, shame on you (or God will punish you)."
In a harsh way this assumes responsibility for another's behavior
and steps in God's role as Judge. Done in a loving way, this
may be an appropriate approach for a pastor, Christian Psychologist,
parent, or close friend to respond to someone's immorality.
But it's not in tune with the role of a New Hope Counselor.
Value
Relativism: "Just do whatever works for you." (Values
don't matter. Life is about being happy.) This is the way
of the secular world. But the problem is that what makes one
person happy may hurt others or be disrespectful to God.
Values
Clarification: "Just be true to what you believe." (Each
person can set their own values to live by and is accountable
to no one, but themselves.) This is the approach of most people
today, even many spiritually-minded people. But the problem
here is that this dishonors the authority of God, our Creator
and Lord. The values and morals someone decides on their own
to live by may be wrong or hurtful. God has set the standards
and morals for people to live by and it is right for us to honor
Him (and we'll be blessed when we do).
Value
Neutrality: "As your counselor my values don't matter.
I pretend not to have any. It's only your values and morals
that matter." This has commonly been taught to counselors in
training, but we can't eliminate our values just like we can't
eliminate our feelings. The counselor's values and morals matter
to the caller and to the counseling process. Certainly, we
don't want to impose or force these values on people, but we
do want to operate with godly or Biblical values and let them
guide our interventions with callers who have a moral dilemma.
GRACE
AND TRUTH
"The Word
became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his
glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father,
full of grace and truth." (John 1:14) An example of Jesus balancing
grace and truth is in his response to the woman caught in adultery.
The Pharisees were ready to stone her as the law of Moses required,
but Jesus said, "Let him who is without sin throw the first
stone." Of course, they each had to drop their stones. Then
Jesus, the only person with the right to condemn her or free
her, told her, "Neither do I condemn you (Grace). Go and sin
no more (Truth)." (John 8:1-11)
The Apostle
Paul taught us to "Speak the truth in love" (Ephesians 4:15).
This is the same idea.
A RULE
TO FOLLOW
In your
New Hope Counseling follow this basic rule: When responding
to people's moral dilemmas don't condemn or condone their behavior.
DON'T
CONDEMN IMMORALITY
Don't judge
other people for their sins or failings. Let God be the judge.
As New Hope Counselors we need to be non-judgmental and compassionate.
We don't want to criticize people's mistakes, pressure them to
do what's right, or advise them to do what they should. At New
Hope we are a crisis counseling hotline, not the "Bible Answer
Man!" We need to be known for being gracious, kind, and gentle.
And we need to remember that we are volunteers, lay counselors,
and not moral authorities or experts.
The Bible teaches
us, "Do not judge, or you too will be judged." (Matthew 7"1) and
"There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to
save and destroy. But you - who are you to judge your neighbor?"
(James 4:12)
DON'T
CONDONE IMMORALITY
Don't
excuse, minimize, or overlook people's sins or failings. Don't
reassure them that things are okay or not to feel guilty or bad
about what may be immoral behavior. That's playing God in the
opposite sense from above. It's important that we help and not
hinder people in taking responsibility for their behavior.
As the Apostle
Paul taught, "Each one needs to carry his own load." (Galatians
6:5) "If anyone causes one of these little ones who believe
in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone
hung around his neck and be drowned." (Matt 18:6)
"If someone
is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him
gently." (Galatians 6:1)
DO
RESPECT GOD'S LAWS
"A man reaps
what he sows," (Galatians 6:7). Since there are painful consequences
to immoral behavior (and we are a Christian ministry) addressing
these issues is very much a part of New Hope Counseling. I
want to show you how you can use our basic counseling techniques
with people having moral issues and do so within a Christian
moral context and in a way that is gracious.
Reflect
true guilt feelings. "It seems you feel guilty about this"
is an example of a standard feeling reflection. (If the person
doesn't feel guilty they you might say, "Apparently, you don't
feel guilty about this.") This is warm and connecting. It
also validates what the person is feeling and focuses the discussion
on the moral issue. It may lead to the caller seeking forgiveness
from God or to making a positive change in behavior. ("False
guilt" is different. That's when someone feels guilty even
though he or she didn't do anything wrong, e.g., disappointing
a friend.)
Summarize
negative consequences. "It sounds like your struggle with
stealing is causing problems for you. You're afraid to get
caught and you worry about this at night and have trouble sleeping."
This may help to motivate the person to do what is right. I
was counseling a Christian Psychotherapist who had sex with
a female patient in the past and now was developing a friendship
with a former hospital patient. I said to him, "You're taking
a risk by befriending this patient. If it becomes sexual or
if it just feels confusing to her as a dual relationship then
she could make a complaint against you which could lead to you
losing your license."
Use open
questions to encourage a healthy conscience and moral behavior.
"What do you believe is the right thing to do?" or "How
do you think that God feels about this issue?" or "What could
you do to feel forgiven and at peace?" "What can you do about
your guilt feelings?" "What ideas do you have for resolving
your conflict?" may be appropriate questions to solicit healthy,
moral decision-making.
SOME
EXAMPLES
Question
about divorce and the Bible
Chatter: Do
you know about divorced people and the possibility of them going
to heaven?
Counselor:
Why do you ask?
Chatter: The Bible says if a man marries another woman he causes
her to be an adulteress and they're both kinda doomed.
Counselor:
This was the reason that Christ came and died on the cross.
He took our penalty. Our salvation is now based in our hope
in him.
Discussion:
The counselor's first response is very good. He needs more
information. Is the chatter divorced? Considering a divorce?
Single and dating someone who is divorced? Have a friend who
is divorced and considering re-marriage? The answer to this
question sets the stage for the rest of the conversation. Unfortunately,
the counselor let himself get sucked into theological discussion
here and never did get an understanding of what the caller's
personal struggle was. The counselor needed to be more confident
in his initial intervention and to be more persistent. A good
second response would've been, "What's your personal experience
with divorce?"
Chatter
considers divorcing
Chatter: My
husband and I are having problems. He was arrested last night
for voyeurism. This was the second time in our three-year marriage.
He wants a separation because he says I deserve better and he
says I can have the children. I don't know what to do. I don't
really want a divorce because I was raised to "stick it out,"
but I can't condone his behavior either.
Counselor:
It sounds like this marriage is not for you. Do you think you
would be happier without him and moving on? Sometimes, though
that's never what we want, divorce is the only answer.
Chatter:
Well, this is kind of the way my feelings are leaning also.
Discussion:
The counselor here has given advice on heavy, moral issues.
Voyeurism, divorce, child custody these are big issues with
moral implications and the counselor is taking responsibility
for this decision. And the advice may be immoral or unbiblical.
Much better for the counselor to say, "It sounds like you feel
confused. You don't know what's best." Or "You feel torn between
two choices that seem bad. Getting a divorce feels wrong, especially
for your kids, and tolerating his inappropriate sexual behavior
also seems like a problem." Each of these responses encourage
the chatter to talk more about her situation and feelings and
to take responsibility for the moral implications of her decision.
SAMPLE NEW
HOPE REFERRALS, www.NewHopeNow.org
Christian
Research Institute: Biblically and historically researched
answers on Christianity, theology, and cults, 1-949-858-6100,
www.equip.org.
NEW HOPE
RESOURCES, www.NewHopeNow.org
"Forgive
and Set your Soul Free"
"How
to Replace Bad Anger with Good Anger"
"Don't
Bet on It,"
"Is
My Spouse Having an Affair?"
"My
Friend Lied,"
"What
Does it Mean to Honor Your Parents?"
"Free
to Love, Free from Lust: Recovery from Sexual Addiction,"
ADDITIONAL
NEW HOPE TRAINING
"How to Respond
to a Homosexual Caller," (Case Discussion): http://www.newhopenow.org/counselors/case.studies/homosexual.html
Also on
www.NewHopeNow.org/counselors
you'll find an archive of the "CE Notes" and exams for past
classes, "The A-B-C's of New Hope Counseling Checklist" (which
you'll need to complete the exam) and "Responses to Avoid in
New Hope Counseling."
LET'S PRACTICE!
To receive
CE credit and the satisfaction of accomplishment take the CE
Exam, which includes a role-play, and turn it into SheilaS@CrystalCathedral.org.
Complete all 11 classes for 2002 and you'll receive a special
award at the end of the year!
"EXTRA CREDIT"
Here is
some material from a previous class I taught that relates to
our topic.
What is
sin?
An understanding
of sin or immorality is foundational to this discussion of how
New Hope Counselors should respond to people's moral dilemmas.
The most commonly used word for "sin" in the New Testament means
"missing the mark," as in an archer missing the target. The
target is God's holiness or moral perfection.
What does
holiness look like? What is the mark? Perhaps the best answer
is the 10 Commandments, particularly as Jesus interpreted and
expanded upon them in his Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5-7).
Understand and live by these ten rules and principles and you
will be blessed, other people will be loved and respected and
God will be honored.
We all miss
the mark, of course. All of us have broken one or more of these
commandments at times. Thank God for His mercy and grace to
us through Jesus! It's important that we recognize our sins,
confess them to God (and in many cases to someone we trust,
e.g., James 5:17), seek forgiveness from God and anyone we've
violated (1 John 1:9, Matthew 18), and try to do better in God's
strength.
Continuing
in a lifestyle of breaking these commandments will have painful
consequences for people. In your counseling look for these
consequences and then reflect their painful feelings or summarize
the harm related to their choices.
The 10
Commandments: God's Moral Compass (Exodus 20:1-17)
1.
No other gods; the Lord is to be #1 in our lives.
2.
No idols; don't put your creation over the Creator.
3.
Don't misuse God's name; call upon God sincerely.
4.
Keep the Sabbath; set aside time to rest in God and
worship him each week.
5.
Honor your parents; show respect for the good in them.
6.
Don't murder; don't be angry without cause.
7.
Don't commit adultery; don't lust after another person
whom you're not married to.
8.
Don't steal; respect other's property.
9.
Don't lie; be honest.
10.
Don't covet; be content with God has provided for you.
Take
the Responding to People’s
Moral Dilemmas CE Exam
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