New Hope
CE Notes, August 2003
William
Gaultiere, Ph.D.Director
of New Hope & Psychologist with ChristianSoulCare.com
(714)
971-4213,DrBill@CrystalCathedral.org
WELCOME
"This
is really important to me, but I can't seem to get it finished,"
a caller complained to her New Hope Counselor. Others say
things like, "I was criticized today and, like always, it
sent me into a tailspin." "If I can't do it right then I
won't do it at all!" "I have to do better." "You
have to do better!"
Procrastination,
self-criticism, all-or-nothing thinking, unrealistic expectations
on self and others. they're all just different ways to spell
"P-e-r-f-e-c-t-i-o-n-i-s-m." Perhaps you struggle with perfectionism
as I have. If not you probably live with one. You've certainly
talked to many perfectionists at New Hope. So you know that
perfectionism is no laughing matter. It's painful for you
and others and it's inefficient. Worst of all, it chokes
out the life of God out of you!
You're
about to discover what I've learned: Your life and relationships
and soul don't need to be dominated by perfectionism! You
can let go and trust God. You can accept your limitations
and say, "Good enough!" You can awake to the wonderful possibilities
of God's grace. And when you do you will want to share God's
grace with others in life and at New Hope.
GO
AHEAD AND LAUGH!
Have you
heard the story of the young man who goes to meet his fiancé's
parents? After dinner, the future father-in-law leads him
into the study. Now, this father is not only protective of
his daughter, but he's a perfectionist.
He ways
to his daughter's suitor, "So, what are your plans?"
"Well,"
says the young man, "I'm a theology student."
"Oh,"
the father says. "How will you earn a living with that?"
Calmly,
serenely, the boy says: "God will provide."
"But how
will you be able to afford having children?" the father worries.
Once again,
the boy says: "God will provide."
Afterwards,
the mother asks her husband how the conversation went. "Well,"
says the father, throwing up his hands, "the kid has no money
or jobs lined up. But on the other hand, he does think I'm God."
Indeed, perfectionists strive to be ideal.
CONFESSIONS OF A CLOSET PERFECTIONIST
As a young adult I spent almost 20 years trying to tone down
my perfectionism. Finally, I gave in. We bought a new house
in 1998 and I got to have my own walk in closet. It's only
about four feet by five feet, but it's my own space. And
the best part is that the builder of our house gave me a free
closet system. I have all my clothes perfectly organized.
Everything has it's own section - short sleeve dress shirts,
long sleeve dress shirts, pants, suits, casual shirts - and
they're all on nice wooden hangers and facing the same way.
Shoe stacker, separate laundry baskets for whites and colors,
tie and belt hangers. it's all there and in it's place. I
even have some pictures of my beautiful wife on the wall.
It's perfect! My own little world, just like I like it.
So when life gets crazy or depressing you can find me in my
closet!
Seriously, some perfectionism can be a good thing. As long
as it's efficient, affirming of self and others, adaptable,
and realistic. In which case we're better to call it "excellence."
(Later, we'll contrast the perfectionism we want to let go
of with the excellence we want to pursue.) The document files
on my computer are organized like my closet and this really
helps me in the writing and speaking I do.
MY PERFECTIONISM WAS A PROBLEM
I'll never forget when my wife Kristi and I wallpapered together
for the first time. Our first home was a quaint 15 feet by
30 feet guesthouse that we rented in an older neighborhood
of Anaheim. It was one room for our bedroom, sofa, kitchenette,
and tiny bathroom and we made it our honeymoon suite. I think
our honeymoon ended when we were putting up the wallpaper.
I was wallpapering the "right" way, lining up all the edges
so they matched and cutting the corners exactly even.
Kristi was getting quite stressed by my intense approach.
She just wanted to be done with it. She kept talking about
the fun things she wanted to do later in the day. Every time
I tried to make it more perfect she'd say, "That's good enough
Bill!" But I'd reply, "No, we need to do the job right or
what we shouldn't." (Perfectionists know how this sentence
finishes! We do it right or we don't do it at all!) Finally,
she said something to me that I've never forgotten, "If the
process isn't enjoyable then the goal isn't worth it."
Huh? Enjoy getting a job done? What does that have
to do with it? You do the project perfectly and then you
admire it. until you're onto the next item on the list! Of
course, this kind of thinking is one of the problems with
problem perfectionism: you miss out on the joy.
MORE EXAMPLES OF PERFECTIONISM
A boss edits the writing of his staff when they write newsletter
articles or memos. "If it's going to be in print and we're
going to ask people to spend time reading it then it needs
to be well-written." The staff becomes reluctant to write
anymore. Who would do something like that? Ask the New Hope
staff!
One of our New Hope telephone counselors admitted that she
was a "pile-maker." All around her house were piles. In
fact, her dining room table is covered with piles of mail,
newsletters, and papers. She's saving health information
that she might need. Healthy heart research, stress management
techniques, information on vitamins, diseases, treatments,
and countless other health related subjects are all kept.
Instead of deciding what to throw away and where to put things
she procrastinates. She saves it all in disorganized piles
and never gets around to going through it. Now it's so overwhelming
that it seems impossible to deal with.
A man I talked to was in his 40's and single. He wanted to
be married, but nobody measured up to his ideal woman who
was blonde, five feet nine inches tall, and large breasted.
He was lonely and would remain so until he gave up his idol.
Another man in debt I talked with was determined to pay all
his bills with his Quicken program. He wanted to see all
his expenses on a spreadsheet. He liked all his checks printed
out by the computer. He spent hours and hours every week
doing this. (It was supposed to save him time!) His budget
and his checks looked nice, but his debt was growing. He
needed to focus on cutting his expenses instead.
A New Hope Counselor said that his boss corrected him for making
his projects too perfect. His boss said, "You're doing your
job and mine. Spend less time on your proposals and let me
improve on them. This way I can do my job and you'll have
time to generate additional proposals." Making his work so
perfect was inefficient.
In Jesus' day the Pharisees had 100's of detailed laws and
religious rituals to follow. There were prescribed ways to
wash hands, a limited number of steps that could be taken
on the Sabbath, and they tithed on the mint leaves in their
gardens. Jesus called them fools and said their behavior
put them under a curse. He said, "You strain a gnat and swallow
a camel." Worse, he admonished them for being "whitewashed
tombstones" who cleaned the outside of cup (their appearance),
but left the inside dirty and maggoty (their hearts). Their
priorities were backwards.
The older brother in Jesus' Parable of the Prodigal Son was
a religious perfectionist like the Pharisees. He became envious
of the forgiveness, grace, and party that his younger brother
received upon returning home from wasting his inheritance
in sinful living. The father offered to bless him too, but
the older brother refused. He wanted to work for it. He
was trying to prove his worth and earn his father's approval
and didn't want to admit to his sin or neediness. So he missed
the father's grace.
TYPES OF PERFECTIONISM
Physical perfectionists insist on an appealing face or figure.
Achievement perfectionists are determined to be the best and
feel that mistakes are intolerable.
Ideal self perfectionists are obsessed with impressing other
people.
Pleaser perfectionists want others to be happy with them all
the time, they avoid conflict at all costs.
Emotional perfectionists are embarrassed by any vulnerable
or negative feelings and try to be happy and in control at
all times.
Self-critical perfectionists think they are inferior to others
who are more intelligent, attractive, or successful.
Romantic perfectionists want the perfect boyfriend or girlfriend
and so they continually give up on relationships because others
are never quite good enough for them.
Entitlement perfectionists expect more from others and the
world and are continually disappointed and frustrated by little
inconveinces and perceived injustices.
Obsessive-compulsive perfectionists insist on having their
house or office immaculate at all times and continually check,
organize, or clean things.
ARE YOU A PERFECTIONIST?
Which, if any, of the nine types of perfectionists describe
you? Here's a short self-test I developed to help you identify
if you're a perfectionist: http://www.newhopenow.org/selfhelp/perfectionism_self_test.html.
WHAT ARE THE CAUSES OF PERFECTIONISM?
This question was asked in class. I'll list a few: anxiety,
unrealistic ideals, omnipotent desires, firstborn child, "melancholy"
personality type ("NT" on Myers-Briggs), critical or pressuring
parents.
TRAGIC IRONIES OF PERFECTIONISM
Perfectionists try so hard to be right, but end up being wrong
about what's most important.
They work to prove themselves worthy (and in their ideal selves
they may look wonderful), but inside in their true self they
continue to feel inadequate (if not ashamed).
They strive to be in control and the more they try to control
the more out of control they become.
They think they must be strong and self-reliant and don't realize
just how vulnerable and needy they are inside.
PERFECTIONISM AND SUICIDE
Do you remember Vincent Foster? He was the deputy White House
counsel in the beginning of President Bill Clinton's administration.
He came to the job with an unbroken string of accomplishments
and successes: first in his law school class, highest score
on the Arkansas bar exam, partnership in a prestigious law
firm, stable marriage and family, many friends, and a sterling
reputation.
But when things wrong at the White House with the Whitewater
Investigation his integrity and competence were challenged
in the media. His reputation, the thing he valued the most,
was tarnished. He became depressed and committed suicide
in July of 1993.
Perfectionists are at a greater risk for suicide than others.
This is perhaps the best example of how destructive perfectionism
can be.
REPLACING PERFECTIONSISM WITH EXCELLENCE
Obviously we need standards and ideals. Don't think that in
discouraging perfectionism we're encouraging sloppy living
and careless work. That's throwing the baby out with the
bath water!
Jesus said that he came to fulfill the law not to abolish it
and that our righteousness needed to surpass that of the perfectionistic
Pharisees. The church needs pastors, teachers, evangelists
who are highly skilled. Airline passengers insist on mechanics
that check and double-check the airplanes, patients want highly
skilled surgeons, and children need loving and mature parents.
What we want to pursue is excellence and we want to do it through
our faith in Christ. To help us understand what it means
to live with excellence, but not problem perfectionism, I've
summarized some key differences between perfectionism and
excellence in the table below.
A Christian View on Perfectionism versus Excellence
| |
Perfectionism |
Excellence |
| Faith |
Self-reliant |
Trusting in God and others |
| Outlook |
Unattainable ideals |
Realistic goals |
| Focus |
Perfect end product |
Process to good enough end product |
| Energy Source |
My determination |
Holy Spirit |
| Self-talk |
"I'm inadequate. I have to do better." |
"God has made me better through Christ. I can do good in His
strength." |
| Morality |
Work to be righteous (measure up to standards) or rebel against
God's laws |
The righteousness of Christ is given to me by faith and I want
to follow God's laws |
| Emotion |
Fear of rejection or failure |
Fear (holy respect and awe) of God |
| Results |
Isolation, depression, and anxiety |
Fruit of the Spirt: love, joy, peace |
| Bottom line |
Works against me |
Works for me |
LEARN THE WISDOM OF "GOOD ENOUGH"
As I illustrated in my newlywed wallpapering debacle with Kristi,
perfectionists need to learn to say "good enough." Problem
perfectionism is terribly inefficient. The time and effort
to get something from "good enough" to perfect is enormous.
In fact, apparently there's a study in which someone determined
that with most projects 20% of the effort will get 80% of
the results. The lesson, of course, is that with most projects
we're wise to stop working on improving things when we get
to that 80% level, which I'm interpreting as the minimum standard
for "excellence."
Perhaps it takes more than 20% of the time and effort? Or
maybe that's my own perfectionism talking! Regardless of
whether it's 20% or 60% there's a true principle here: learn
to find the stopping point of "good enough."
If you know of a study like this please pass it on to me so
that I get it straight.
TRUST DON'T CONTROL
Have you heard the story about the man and the rosebud? A
man was struggling with God over dreams that weren't coming
true in his life. He wanted God's blessing. He was trying
to make things work, but the harder he tried the more frustrated
he got.
He was praying in his garden when God showed him a rosebud.
He sense God say, "Like your dream this rosebud is waiting
to blossom forth with beauty. You can see it'll be maroon.
And I can tell you that it'll smell like sweet apples. Go
ahead and open up the rosebud now so that we can enjoy it."
So the man started gently to pull apart the soft, maroon petals.
But as he did so the petals fell to the ground. The rose
was looking worse and worse and the man was just getting frustrated.
"The secret of unfolding flowers," said God, "is not yours
to know. I am the One who accomplishes beautiful dreams when
the time is right." As Solomon said, "True, God made everything
beautiful in itself and in its time--but he's left us in the
dark, so we can never know what God is up to, whether he's
coming or going." Ecclesiastes 3:11 (Msg.)
Perfectionists need to learn to trust God and safe people,
not control them through manipulation, intimidation or presentation
of their ideal self.
LAUGH SOME MORE!
Perfectionists need humor and laughter and fun more than other
people. That's because they're naturally wound tight. Toward
this end, in class we watched a hilarious clip from the old
movie, "The Odd Couple."
Two divorced men live together and get on each other's nervous
because one is a perfectionist and the other is not. You
may recall that Oscar is an inconsiderate, irresponsible,
and careless slob, who deep down inside is really does care.
Felix is the perfectionist who is an obsessive-compulsive
cleaner and hypochondriac and people feel nervous, inadequate,
and irritated by him.
It's interesting that by living together and challenging one
another's faults they both become better people, less extreme
and more balanced.
READ WHAT THE BIBLE TEACHES ON PERFECTIONISM
"Turning
from Perfectionism to God's Grace"
RESOURCES FOR PERFECTIONISM
Here are some resources for additional help with problem perfectionism.
As you might imagine, since I tend to be perfectionistic I
have a lot of resources for people in this are! These are
good recommendations for New Hope callers or chatters.
- "Defeating Perfectionism Before it Defeats You!" http://www.newhopenow.org/notes/archive/defeating_perfectionism.html.
- "Are you a Perfectionist?" (See link below.)
- "How do I Learn to Relax?" (See link below.)
- "Hurry Up and Be Still. Freedom from Adrenaline Dependence,"
http://www.newhopenow.org/notes/archive/adrenaline_dependence.html.
CE EXAM
Take some time for you. Reflect on self-test, "Are You a Perfectionist?"
http://www.newhopenow.org/selfhelp/perfectionism_self_test.html.
Meditate on the Bible verses. Do a relaxation exercise, meditation,
or prayer like one of the ones on tape offered at my website,
http://www.christiansoulcare.com/booksandtapes.htm, or
try using this written relaxation exercise, "How do I Learn
to Relax?"
http://www.newhopenow.org/ask/how.relax.html.
