New
Hope CE Notes, May 31
2001
Dr. Bill Gaultiere
Director of New Hope
& Psychologist with ChristianSoulCare.com
(714) 971-4213,
DrBill@CrystalCathedral.org
WELCOME
I am
impressed with you because you're taking this class! Not many
people want to volunteer their time and their heart to care
for people in crisis. Even fewer people want to offer care
to people who are angry at them. You're walking in where most
people walk away. Good for you. THANK YOU!
GOALS
OF THIS CLASS
1. Understand
the difference between good and bad anger.
2. Learn
effective, Biblical strategies for dealing with your own anger
and that of other people.
3. Increase
your ability to respond with care and firmness when someone
is angry with you.
IT'S NOT
EASY TO RESPOND TO OTHERS' ANGER
When
you were a kid did you ever reply to criticism and bullying
by saying, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words
cannot hurt me?"
Or
am I the only one here who had an emotionally repressed childhood?
The
truth is that words can and do hurt. So we need to be careful
not to hurt others with our words, especially when it comes
to anger.
When
I was 16 years old and working in the grocery store they taught
me their golden rule, "The customer is always right." I don't
think that they teach that anymore! Recently, I dealt with
a fast food restaurant cashier and then an 800 # customer service
representative who didn't seem to understand this. I was the
customer and they didn't care that I was frustrated. I asked
to substitute four small sides for two large sides, but the
cashier was curt, unhelpful, and defensive. Then my wife called
the 800 # to share (in kind way I might add) our experience
and the man she talked to angrily defended his restaurant.
Defensiveness is a typical and unhelpful response to someone
who is angry.
COMMON
UNHELPFUL RESPONSES TO OTHERS' ANGER
1.
Change the subject. Sometimes this is done
with pleasantries. For instance, the cashier might have said
to me, "Isn't it a nice day today. Are you doing something
special?" Nice as it seems, this would've just made me more
frustrated.
2.
Placate. "I'm so sorry. Here have some
coupons." I like coupons, but not ones that are for the restaurant
that's frustrating me!
3.
Feel bad. If the cashier took my frustration
personally and felt like it was all her fault she might say,
"Oh, I'm so sorry. I just don't know how to deal with these
issues. I'm not good at this job." I'd feel pity for her perhaps,
but I wouldn't be getting any compassion or help for my frustration.
4.
Defend yourself. This is what we got. The
cashier said to me: "It's against our policy." The customer
service representative said to my wife: "You can't expect us
to be like Boston Market." This just made us more angry.
5.
Counter attack. If the cashier had said
to me, "What's the matter with you? Talking to me like that.
And you just came from church?" I would've felt guilty because
she'd be right. I should've been nicer. The point here though
is that her attacking would provoke even more anger that I'd
need to contain.
AN
UNCOMMON AND HELPFUL RESPONSE:
The
cashier could have responded to my frustration with the idea
that "the customer is always right" and said, "I see you're
disappointed. I'm sorry that I can't do that for you. What
I can do is." This would've helped me to calm down and to feel
better about returning to their store.
And
the customer service representative at the 800# could have said
to Kristi, "It sounds like you were unhappy with your KFC experience.
What can we do to better serve you?"
As
New Hope counselors when callers or chatters are frustrated
or irritated with us we need to respond in this same manner.
Listen to their concern. Reflect their feelings. Offer supportive
help.
GOOD
AND BAD ANGER: UNDERSTANDING THE DIFFERENCE
Anger
is a natural, appropriate, even righteous response to being
violated or unjustly hurt. In the Bible we read that God feels
anger and we see Jesus model this in a number of situations.
Anger becomes good or bad depending upon how we deal with it.
The
right and healthy way is to be assertive. The keys to this
approach is to be honest and loving and active. We need to
feel our anger, respectfully bring it into relationship (if
not with the one who offended us then with someone who can help
us resolve it), and use the energy in our anger to appropriately
address the issue.
Passivity
and aggression are bad responses. They're polar opposites and
yet one leads to the other.
| |
| Good
and Bad Approaches to Anger |
 |
| Style |
Passive
(Bad) |
Assertive
(Good) |
Aggressive
(Bad) |
Emotions
|
|
|
Rage |
Process
|
Implosion
"I'm
bad."
Repress/deny
|
Integrating
feelings
"I
matter. You matter."
Feel
< > Think > Do
|
Explosion
"You're
bad."
React/rage
|
Behavior
|
|
|
|
|
| |
Feel-Think-Do
Triangle
Here's
another way to understand the difference between good and bad
anger. The "Feel-Think-Do" triangle shows us the importance
of feeling and thinking on our anger before we speak or act.
To feel our anger and to think about what it means is to be
responsive.
We
get in trouble if we react impulsively to our anger.
This is to say or do something in anger, before we've calmed
down and before we've thought the issue through. When we lose
our temper we're like to hurt other people and our own selves.
We
also get in trouble if we repress our anger, which can
lead to depression and eventually to an explosion. Sometimes
people who repress their anger obsess about their angry feelings,
ruminating on angry conversations in their heads. This is not
feeling your feelings. In fact, neglect to process your feelings
can lead to obsessing.
Using
the "Feel-Think-Do Triangle" to Deal with Anger
|
Do
respond! Feel and think through what
happened before you act or speak.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Don't
react! Don't act or speak in anger
without thinking through your angry feelings.
|
|
|
|
|
Don't
repress! Don't avoid acting or speaking
rightly without feeling through your angry
thoughts.
|
|
|
WHAT
THE BIBLE TEACHES ON DEALING WITH ANGER
God
has a lot to say about how to deal with your anger. I spent
some time researching and praying about this and compiled a
number of Bible verses that teach us 12 principles for dealing
with our anger rightly. For a summary read "What
the Bible Teaches on Dealing with Anger."
USING
THE "POPCORN AT THE MOVIES" TECHNIQUE
Here
are four steps on how you can respond with care and helpfulness
to someone who is angry at you. I call this "Popcorn at the
Movies."
1. Eat
your popcorn: Tell yourself, "I'm okay. I'm not all bad.
This isn't about me. This anger won't destroy me. I can handle
this. I'm loved and respected." You need a source of self-esteem
that's outside of the person who is angry at you or it'll be
too hurtful to hear his/her negative feelings about you. Even
if your critic has a valid criticism which you need to apologize
for you still need to accept that you're not all bad.
2. Imagine
your criticizer on a movie screen: Realize, "This is more
about him/her than me. I want to understand his/her story.
She/he is struggling and hurting." You have to be able to separate
emotionally from this person. Having good boundaries helps
you to get perspective and to keep from getting hooked into
the other person's issues.
3.
Give supportive eye contact and use active listening to diffuse
the person's anger. This means showing interest and concern.
It means asking questions to understand the other person's experience,
summarizing what you hear, and reflecting his/her feelings.
To do this you have to maintain your self-esteem (step 1) and
boundaries (step 2) and you have to be confident that you can
end the conversation when you need to (step 4).
4.
End the movie when it's time. Don't let yourself get
frozen in fear or trapped in guilt. It's your choice to listen.
If the conversation becomes too heated or harmful then you need
to set a boundary. You have limits as to how long you can listen
to and support someone, especially if they're expressing anger.
PRACTICE
New
Hope gives you practice at this! From time to time we talk
and chat with people express anger at us. They say things like
"You're not doing enough to help me!" Or "You're supposed to
just listen to me for as long as I want to talk." Or they take
out their anger on other people on us. As long as the caller
or chatter is not being abusive you can use the "Popcorn at
the movies" approach for self-protection and giving care.
FREE
RESOURCES FOR THE PUBLIC
Here
are some of my self-help articles from www.NewHopeNow.org
that may be helpful resources for angry callers (and for you
in dealing with anger your own or that of others).
"How
to Replace Bad Anger with Good Anger"
"How
Does a Christian Mom Deal with Anger?"
"Think
with Your Heart and Feel with Your Head"
REFERRAL
ORGANIZATIONS FOR THE PUBLIC
Consider
the following referral categories from our "New
Hope Referrals" list offer specific referrals that may be
helpful for callers and chatters with anger problems:
"Abuse
& Violence"
"Co-Dependency"
"Family
& Relationships (Including Marriage & Parenting)"
"Mental
Health & Counseling"
How
to Respond to Someone Who Is Angry With You —
CE Exam
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