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Dr. Bill Gaultiere
(714) 971-4213
drbill@CrystalCathedral.org

This is the complete notes from class — everything but jokes and stories! Remember to complete the attached exam, either for the fun and challenge of it or to get New Hope CE credit.

1. Helpful vs. UN-helpful Counseling

• The key to helpful New Hope counseling is a balance of grace (care and compassion) and truth (honesty and feedback) over time. Caller and counselor must join hearts and hands to help the caller.

• In counseling calls that usually works out in a process that includes: (1) Active, caring listening, (2) Focusing on an example the caller’s problem or need, and (3) Brainstorming with the caller to set goals or action steps (which may include a referral to a support group or source of information).

1. 10 Common UN-helpful Helping Methods to Avoid

1. Know-it-all: "I know how to help people. I’ve learned all I need to know."

• This is one mistake that you’re not making because you’re reading your CE Notes!

• If you’re not still learning and growing as a counselor and as a person then you’re forgetting and degenerating. You can’t stand still. Find and use opportunities to learn.

• It’s imperative that you approach every call like a student. Put yourself in the caller’s shoes and listen well and you’ll start to get a sense of what the caller needs and how you can help.

• Example: A man calls and says, "I haven’t been able to get out of bed for two days. I just don’t feel like doing anything. I lost my job last week and don’t know what to do. I’ve been depressed on and off all my life."

1. You might be a 10-year vet on the phones and have a strategy for helping people with chronic depression that gist of which is "You need to do something positive for yourself today."

2. This can be a helpful approach, but not the place to start. Instead you might go through steps like these first:

1. "It sounds like it’s real hard on you to have lost your job."
2. "What’s it like for you when you’re depression?"
3. "What’s helped you with your depression in the past?"

• "Let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance." (Proverbs 1:5)

 

1. Bible Answer Man: "The Bible says…"

 

• Don’t try to fix people’s problems or feelings with Bible verses! In relational contexts like counseling (as compared to teaching for instance) you want to become an application of the Bible by the way that you care.

 

• The problems with Bible Answer Man counseling are many: intellectualizing, simplifying, judmentalism, and misuse of Scripture.

 

• Ironically, this strategy misunderstands Scripture itself! For instance, Job, the psalms of David, and Jesus’ response to people each model that help comes through caring and honest relationships over time.

 

• Sometimes in New Hope Counseling it is appropriate to refer to a Bible verse or passage. When do, be compassionate and be careful not to overload the caller with too much information.

 

• "Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience." (Colossians 3:12)

 

1. Soap Box: "You shouldn’t do that!"

 

• Don’t "should" on people. It hurts. It isn’t New Hope counseling. And it doesn’t’ help.

 

• Callers don’t need your opinions, morals, ideals, or expectations. Instead, express understanding and care for their real problems and needs. They don’t need you to look down on them. They need you to be with them on their level and in their pain.

 

• Example: You remember the kid across the street who keeps parking right in front of my house? And the kids next door who instead of taking their dog for a walk let him poop in my yard? Well now one of them had a bunch of friends over while we were gone and they left broken beer bottles in front of my driveway and on my sidewalk. Now what if I call New Hope and the counselor says to me: "You shouldn’t be angry at them. The Bible says you should love your neighbor." Ouch! I need someone to listen and to empathize with my angry feelings and then to brainstorm with me about what to do about this predicament.

 

• "Do not judge and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you." Luke 6:37

 

1. Fixer: "Just do it!"

 

• Offering advice, trying to "fix" someone’s problem, coming to the rescue (due to "Messiah Complex") is hurtful and ineffective.

 

• Oversimplifies complex emotional and relational problems and lacks in caring connection.

 

• Fixers take responsibility for callers’ problems, undermining the helping process.

 

• Example: Counselor says to a Battered wife, "I think you should leave him. He keeps mistreating you and it just isn’t safe for you to live with him."

 

1. Even if you’re partially correct, is the caller ready to take this big step? Has she thought out how she’d leave, where she’d go, how she’ll feel when she’s gone, how he’ll react and how she’ll feel about that, and under what circumstances she’d come back?

 

2. It’s up to her to decide. She’s the one who is liable to either live with more mistreatment and fear OR leave and feel lonely and struggle to manage on her own OR struggle though trying to find a way to set some boundaries within her relationship.

 

3. As a counselor you need to "be with her" as she sorts through these feelings and issues.

 

• "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak…" (James 1:19)

 

1. Reassurance: "It’ll be okay."

 

• Examples include cheerleading, trying to "make" them feel better, and telling them that things that don’t feel OK will be OK.

 

• Reassurance is a short-cut way to try to "help" people to feel better - the insecure to feel secure, the sad to feel glad, the fearful to feel peace, the guilty to feel absolved, the rejected to feel accepted. It doesn’t do the real work of connecting with the true pain.

 

• Here’s an illustration from a Mom with a sense of humor: Several years ago, my 5-year-old son came running into the house with a small scratch. As I reached for the first-aid kit, he stopped me, saying, "I’m not hurt bad enough for first aid — just give me some second aid instead." Reassurance is "second aid."

 

• Instead accept, validate, and care for the reality of what people are feeling and struggling with. That’s first aid.

 

• Example 1: To the man who lost his job and is depressed the counselor says, "Oh, it’ll be OK. You’ll get another job just like you did before. Don’t be discouraged."

 

1. Better: "You sound discouraged. You really need a job…. Do you have any ideas on how to get started looking for a job?"

 

• Example 2: To an agoraphobic woman is scared to leave her house and go to the grocery store the counselor says, "You don’t need to be afraid. The store is just down the street from your house. You can do it."

 

1. Better: "I’m hearing that you are very frightened. You never know when you might have a panic attack and this would feel embarrassing to you." Then explore treatment options, support, little steps for big feet.

 

1. All Ears, No Voice (Passive Listening): "Mm-hm."

 

• Listening is the most important thing we do at New Hope, but it must be active. Active listening means using your heart and your voice along with your ears. By verbalizing what we’re hearing and what the caller is feeling or struggling with we offer understanding, validation, and an opportunity for the caller to clarify or elaborate. We also are gently giving the caller’s concern back to him or her.

 

• Active listening also helps us to focus on the caller’s main problem and sets the stage for offering a helping hand through brainstorming, prayer, referrals, and other counseling techniques.

 

• It’s an idealistic view of human nature and the helping process to think that if we only listen to people talk that they’ll feel cared for, get help, and make changes. There are some callers who are highly motivated and engaging who need very little other than to just talk, but most need caring interaction and sometimes some feedback and directive help.

 

• Example: Mrs. Rambler on the other end of the phone isn’t listening to herself, let alone you! Don’t let yourself be suffocated. Put words to her feelings and struggles and try to build a caring connection. Try to help her focus on what’s most important and what’s realistic. If she fights you then talk to her about this.

 

• Ephesians 4:15: "Speak the truth in love."

 

1. Focusing on Facts: "Just the facts please."

 

• Facts are important. That’s why one of the counseling techniques I emphasize is to ask callers for an example of their concern. But the heart of the issue are the feelings.

 

• Focusing on facts at the expense of feelings leads to conversations that are incidental, trivial, detached, obsessive, or argumentative about "what really happened." This is not good help.

 

• Callers’ feelings can be messy and painful. To listen and care on this level means temporarily feeling confusion, pain, and helplessness to fix things.

 

• Example: A woman is lonely because her husband of 30 years is away on a business trip. What if you say, "Oh, he is? Where did he go? Why did he go there?" These are incidental facts that sidetrack the conversation from her loneliness.

 

1. Better: "It sounds like you miss him. What do you miss the most? Tell me more about what it’s like for you when he’s gone."

 

1. Sharing your own Story: "That’s what I went through…"

 

• Don’t overidentify with callers. Don’t say, "I understand." Don’t jump in and share your story. Don’t be too quick to tell callers personal anecdotes. Your story may be similar, but the caller has his or her own unique, personal feelings and struggles and needs to share this.

 

• Most of the words in a counseling conversation should come from the caller. And most of your words should be empathy-based (focused on the caller’s feelings, experiences, or needs.

 

• Your life experiences are certainly invaluable resources in New Hope Counseling. Not because you can share them, but because they can help you to better understand callers’ struggles and how they can be helped.

 

• If you self-disclose do so only: (1) On an issue you’re pretty resolved on, (2) After caller has shared, (3) Briefly, (4) And then get focus back to caller.

 

• "Praise be to… God…, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." (2 Cor. 1:3-4)

 

1. Pollyanna: "Just focus on the positive."

 

• The real Pollyanna in the Disney movie is a delightful girl and a true possibility thinker who is as honest and genuine as she is positive and enthusiastic.

 

• True possibility thinking is as realistic as it is optimistic. It faces struggles and works them through with a positive attitude.

 

• Example: Suicidal caller. We teach you to reinforce the caller’s positive reasons to live. But we don’t start there. We start with staying calm, establishing rapport, reflecting feelings, and assessing dangerousness. Then we look for and reinforce reasons for the caller to choose life.

 

• Also, in counseling calls to affirm caller’s strengths, motivation, and gifts is helpful. To focus on the positive or to affirm/praise without listening and expressing care for the caller’s true struggle misses the heart of helping.

 

1. Clown: "Laugh your pain away."

 

• A mother shared, My husband’s dad, a godly man who loved to joke and be silly, died suddenly. At the mortuary, our 10-year-old son, Nate, had some questions. As I answered him, I pointed to the casket and told Nate that the body in the casket was Grandpa’s shell — he was really up in heaven in the arms of Jesus. There was a pause. Nate pointed to the casket and said, "There’s the shelll, and the nut is up there," as he pointed up to heaven. Grandpa would have loved this!"

 

• If this grieving woman called New Hope and you or I said this to her it would’ve been hurtful and unhelpful.

 

• Humor is powerful. It can hurt as well as heal. Timing and tone are key. Improperly used humor can invalidate/deny feelings as well as reveal truth. Even if callers want this it is not helpful.

 

• "Even in laughter the heart may ache." (Proverbs 14:3)