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William Gaultiere, Ph.D.
Executive Director of New Hope, Clinical Psychologist with ChristianSoulCare.com

Jeff and Rhonda (names and identifying information changed) were arguing before they even got into my office.  I smiled anyway, motioned for them to have a seat, and shut the door on eavesdroppers in the waiting room.  They were fighting about how to parent their two boys, Kyle and Kramer, ages nine and five.  "You're being too soft on them Rhonda," Jeff complained.  "You're doing Kyle's homework for him.  He has to learn to do it himself.  When he gets out in the real world his boss won't do his work for him, that's for sure!  And neither of the boys do any chores around the house.  When I was Kyle's age I had to empty the garbage everyday and shovel the snow off the sidewalk."

"I know.  I know," Rhonda interrupted.  "And you had to walk to school in the rain!  You just don't understand.  It's a lot of work caring for the boys.  It seems that I'm always cooking for them and cleaning up after them and helping them to treat each other nicely.  I just don't have the energy to be getting them to do chores in this stage.  Besides, they're growing up so fast.  Kramer will be starting school this fall and I want to enjoy him.  My days with them are so busy.  I feel good if I got through the day without falling apart and am able to make time for us to play a game or go to the park.  Maybe if you helped out more around the house and spent more time with the boys."

Jeff shot back before Rhonda could finish, "Whenever I try to get involved you shoot me down!  I can't even correct the kids without you stepping in because you don't want their feelings hurt.  You." 

It was my turn to interrupt in order to turn down the heat and re-focus things.  "Jeff, it sounds like you have some good ideas for teaching your kids to be responsible.  And Rhonda, I can see that you're connecting well with your boys, showing concern for their feelings and playing with them.  The problem I see is that the two of you are on opposite extremes.  Instead of attacking one another's approach you need to learn from each other.  Jeff you need more of Rhonda's compassion in your parenting and Rhonda you need more of Jeff's discipline."

I showed Jeff and Rhonda that they were confusing their boys with their approaches that split apart God's grace and truth.  Children need caring and responsibility, connectivity and structure from each parent.

What's Your Approach to Parenting?

If I could sit down and talk to you right now I'd ask you, why are you reading this article?  What is it about Christian parenting that you're eager to learn?  And I'd try to get to know you as a parent.  You probably identify somewhat with either Jeff or Rhonda and I'd try to understand that.  I'd ask you some questions about your parenting to see how you're balancing God's grace and truth in the way you parent your child.  So let's do that in the form of a survey that I developed for parents like you.  Once we understand your position then I can help you to grow into more of what God has for you and your family.

Parenting the Way God Parents Us

My understanding of Christian parenting begins with the model that God is the perfect parent to us.  To parent our children well we need to first be parented by God.  He is the Father from whom all fatherhood derives its name (Ephesians 3:15).  When we connect with God's love to us through prayer and our relationships in the Body of Christ then we have love to give.  "We love because He first loved us" (1 John 4:19, NIV) is the succinct way that the Apostle John described it.  It's the same with God's truth.  When we structure our lives according to God's Word, identifying ourselves with Him, obeying Him, and practicing spiritual disciplines then we have wisdom to share with others.  Through Moses God has told us, "These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts.  Impress them on your children.  Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road" (Deuteronomy 6:6-7, NIV). 

The amazing thing about God's grace and truth is that they're completely integrated.  The Psalmist gives us an unforgettable, poetic picture of this by announcing that with God, "Unfailing love and truth have met together.  Righteousness and peace have kissed!" (Psalm 85:10, NLT).  In God, you can't have the connection of love without the structure of truth and you can't have the structure of truth without the connection of love.  The Psalmist emphasizes this by reversing the order of the pairing in the second half of the verse from love and truth to righteousness (truth) and peace (love).  Throughout the Scripture we see the interplay between and integration of these two wonderful sides of God's character.  This is best seen in Jesus Christ, who, the Apostle John tells us, came to us to bring us the fullness of God's grace and truth (John 1:17).  Jesus showed us that God is wholly gracious and wholly truthful, completely loving and completely holy.  In other words, there's a tender and a tough side to God's character.  And so in the Bible we see in the way that God parents Israel and in the way that Jesus ministers to people that not only does God offer Himself to care for our needs, but also he disciplines us to produce in us a harvest of righteousness and peace (Hebrews 12:4-11). 

When Grace and Truth are Out of Balance

Eugene Petersen's translation of the Apostle Paul's instructions to fathers brings out that children need to be trained in a tender way: "Take them by the hand and lead them in the way of the Master" (Ephesians 6:4, MSG).  The diagram below, "Grace and Truth in Parenting," illustrates how difficult it is for parents to integrate grace and truth.  God keeps grace and truth in perfect balance in the way that He parents us, but we tend to overweight one or the other.  We may try so hard to be caring that we don't provide the structure and discipline of truth and then we become parents who are enmeshed and permissive.  And if we err too far on the other side, disconnecting emotionally from our kids to pressure or punish them into doing what we think is right then we become detached and authoritarian parents.  Both extremes are hurtful divisions of God's grace and truth. 

Love without Limits

       Of course, love without limits isn't really love at all.  "If you refuse to discipline your children, it proves you don't love them; if you love your children you'll be prompt to discipline them" (Proverbs 13:24, NLT).  Rhonda's gentle way with her kids and the priority she put on being available to them and playing with them were certainly loving expressions.  But her love went sour when it was split off from limits.  She was living by the motto: "I have to fix your problems no matter what you do."  She was enmeshed with her boys' feelings and took responsibility for them.  When Kyle had a hard day at school and came home grumpy and irritable then Rhonda became depressed and pressured him to get over it so that she could feel better.  Kyle learned that getting too close too mom felt intrusive or overwhelming.  He felt responsible for her well-being and so he became emotionally detached.  With Kramer things were different on the surface.  Because he was scared to go to pre-kindergarten Rhonda felt insecure and anxious for him and "protected" him by keeping him home another year.  In time Kramer developed a pattern of seeking attention for his problems and getting his mom to fix things for him.  So because truth (discipline and structure) was being de-emphasized the boys weren't learning to take responsibility for their feelings, problems, or (as Jeff pointed out) contributions to the household. 

Many people today don't see a problem with this "love without limits" approach.  They want to be their child's friend.  Maybe when they were children they were beat up by judgment and controlled by rules and so they don't want to do that to their children!  I saw a shocking example of this coming from a Christian home a number of years ago when a teenage boy, I call him "Ricky," was referred to me for help with depression and compulsive masturbation.  But his problems were much more serious than that.  He lied.  He stole.  He violated girls sexually.  And he went to church and youth group every week.  He was raised in a Christian home and identified himself as a Christian, but he had no conscience.  He felt no conviction for his sins, no empathy for the troubles he caused his parents, and no sadness for the girls he violated.  He had no self-control.  And it's no wonder because at home he received no discipline or consequences for his irresponsible and abusive behaviors, just futile attempts to "love" him with niceness and "help" him by doing things like getting an attorney to keep him out of juvenile detention - efforts which were interspersed with criticism and nagging from his enmeshing mother and withdrawal from his permissive father.  Their approach wasn't loving or helpful.  Ricky's deviant behavior needed to be confronted and reformed through painful consequences (in the context of an understanding and caring relationship).  So that's what I did and it's what I taught his parents to do.  Thank God he started to feel some empathy and conviction and gradually he became more responsible, appropriate, and considerate.  I think we got to him just in time!

Just the Cold, Hard Truth!

In our permissive society today it's obvious to most people that "truth without grace" is not right.  Nonetheless, I see some parents, like Jeff, who slide into this extreme.  Their hard line with other people, even their own kids, is: "You have to fix your problems without my support."  It's not that Jeff wasn't trying to love his kids.  In fact, he interpreted his cold confrontations by saying, "It's only because I love my boys."  He was right that his boys needed to be doing chores around the house and to learn to behave responsibly.  And they needed firm parental discipline to learn to respect authority and to develop self-control.  But to receive these truths from their father they needed to trust him and to sense that he had compassion for them.  It wasn't enough for him to direct or discipline his boys because he loved them; he needed to first show them his love (as Rhonda kept saying) and then provide accountability in a loving way.

The children of authoritarian parents like Jeff are liable to rebel.  This is why the Apostle Paul advises, "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord" (Ephesians 6:4, NASB).  Other children of authoritarian parents become compliant, trying to please for fear of the parent's anger.  Still other children become passive-aggressive, which is a combination of pleasing and rebelling, being compliant to the parent's face to avoid conflict or criticism and then quietly resisting.  When these hard-nosed parents communicate an expectation they shut down any protest from their kids, calling it defiance.  But not only do kids need to learn to submit to authority and obey they also need to learn to stand up to authority by respectfully disagreeing.  Jesus makes this point in his "Parable of the Two Sons" (Matthew 21:28-32).  There's a father who owns a vineyard and tells both of his sons to go work in the vineyard.  The first son stands up to his dad and refuses to work in the vineyard, but later he changes his mind and goes.  The second son says, "Sure dad, I'll go!"  But he doesn't.  Jesus praises the protesting son who later obeys and condemns the passive-aggressive son.

Teeter-Tottering Between Grace and Truth    

You may see that at times you're like Jeff and Rhonda, going up and down, up and down on the grace tetter-totter.  This is perhaps the most common problem that we parents have in trying to balance grace and truth.  We try to be compassionate and caring with our children.  We feel bad when they complain, "C'mon Dad.  It's not fair.  I've got all this homework and you're telling me that I still have to empty all the garbages."  So we "cut 'em some slack."  Or instead of punishing disobedience we give more chances and nag them until they obey.  Or when our kids beg for more dessert, to stay up later, or to have some extra spending money we give in, thinking that we're showing our love.  But, all the while, anger is building inside us and eventually it bursts out: we come down hard on them with harsh words, sudden high expectations, or severe punishments.  Does your parenting ever look like this?  I have to admit that mine does at times.  It's hard to be consistent!  Of course, this flip-flopping is quite confusing for our children.  They like the pushover parent better than the drill sergeant and will likely ride out the storm until the niceness returns.  But regardless of what they want, what they need is limits in the context of love, grace along with the structure of discipline.

Children who live with grace and truth split apart will also do their own flip-flopping.  You probably remember hearing about the story of John Walker.  His reversal was extreme and tragic.  According to the Boston Globe ("The Road to Treason" written by Jeff Jacoby, December 13, 2001), his "`oh-so-progressive parents' had answered `Yes' to his every whim, indulged his every fancy, permitted - even praised - his every passion."  His mother said "it was good for a child to find a passion" and his father was "proud of John for pursuing an alternative course" that progressed from hip-hop CD's with very nasty lyrics at 14, dropping out of high school at 16, dressing in white robes and a skullcap along with other Muslim followers of Malcom X, moving to Yemen and befriending gunmen who'd been to Chechnya to fight the Russians, and joining an Islamic extremist group in Pakistan.  Even when it was clear that their son, who then called himself Abdul Hamid, was deep into Islamic fanaticism (he told them he philosophically supported Osama bin Laden's terrorist bombings of the USS Cole that killed 17 American servicemen) his liberal, permissive parents wouldn't pull in the reins, but continued to enable him by wiring him more money.  Without limits or guidance from his parents he developed a disdain for authority and a lust to be free to do as he pleased with no accountability that left him in a vacuum - desperate for love. and standards, discipline, truth, God.  Finally his anti-authoritarianism took him full circle and he joined an ultra-authoritarian, extremist sect of Islam: the Taliban in Afghanistan.  He flip-flopped from wanting permissiveness to wanting authoritarianism, from pushing his parents away to attaching himself to Osama bin Laden's Al Qaida terrorist training organization.

Getting Grace and Truth in Balance

I helped Jeff and Rhonda learn to stop reacting and criticizing each other, but instead to take ownership of their feelings and weaknesses and work on them.  Jeff needed to worry less about his standards for his boys and learn to relate with them more, connecting with their interests and considering their feelings.  This meant spending more time with his boys and developing his compassion for them.  And Rhonda needed to realize that two of the most caring things she could do for Kyle and Kramer were to teach them to be responsible by giving them chores to do and to set limits for them by disciplining them when their behavior was out of line.  Rhonda needed to develop more structure in her parenting.  Jeff and Rhonda needed to integrate grace and truth individually and as a couple.  Like King David who prayed, "O Lord, may your love and your truth always protect me" (Psalm 40:11, NIV), they and their boys needed both sides of God.

Become more Gracious

"Grace" is a theological word, first used by the Apostle Paul in the New Testament to describe the favor (unconditional love and acceptance) that God extends to sinners.  Grace is a gift that originates with God and can't be earned.  So to be a grace-giving parent you need to first receive it from God by admitting your need for it and depending on Him in faith.  We do this through prayer and the sacraments, of course, but the primary way that we internalize God's grace into our souls is through relationships with people the Body of Christ.  This is because "No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and His love is made complete in us" (1 John 4:12, NIV).  This means that the bonding relationship that parents provide for their children is essential, not only for their psychological development, but also for their faith.  I'll never forget when our first child, David, was only a few months old my wife Kristi was talking to a friend from church that also had an infant son.  She worked outside the home long hours every day and commented to Kristi, "It doesn't matter to Jason that I'm not home with him.  He can't tell the difference who is caring for him."  Kristi gently suggested otherwise, but this friend wouldn't see it because she wasn't emotionally connective.  Jason's capacity to bond and to connect with God's grace didn't develop as fully as it could have.

Let's get real practical now by thinking of some specific ways to give our kids more grace.  Here's a list of examples of what you can do to be a more grace-giving parent.

For you to work more of God's grace into your parenting in ways like these you need to absorb more of it into your own being.  In your personal life you need to reach out to Christ's ambassadors for grace by asking for what you need, taking it inside you through trust and making use of it by relying on it continually.  Then your eyes and heart are opened and you can become a "cheerful giver," giving from God's fullness instead of just trying harder to do what you should and getting frustrated with yourself! (2 Corinthians 9:7).  For instance, when you know what it feels like to be listened to with compassion then you can become more sensitive to and caring towards your children's feelings.  Or when you've asked someone to accept you in your struggles then you're better able to embrace your kids when they fall down.  And if you've learned to rely on comfort from your spouse or friend when you're hurt then you'll be more likely to be patient and tender with your children's tears and fears. 

Honor Truth More

Truth is about reality, the structure of the way life is meant to be.  It's the way God set up the universe and it's exhibited in His laws and creation.  We learn the truth by studying God's creation and the Bible, His Word to us.  We live in truth by being honest and moral, by doing what is right and good, by being holy and wholly as God is.  When we study and meditate on God's truth in the Scriptures and live it out then we are in a good position as parents to train our children in godliness.  God's wisdom guides us in how to structure our home, gives us godly values to teach our children, and encourages us to discipline them in love when they get off track.  But truth by itself is like oat flake cereal without milk.  It's healthy, but too hard to swallow!  So we need to "speak the truth in love" to our kids (Ephesians 3:15).  Let's think about some of the ways that we can do this.  How do we provide godly structure for our children?

Even if our children protest when we provide structure in a godly way they still crave those boundaries.  Have you heard about the study where researchers took the fences off a pre-school playground to see what the kids would do?  It's fascinating.  The kids all huddled in the center, scared to venture out!  Just yesterday I heard an example of this.  A mother said to me that her 12-year old daughter had been playing at a friend's house and they went into a chat room and pretended to be 18-years old and flirted with men!  In the age of the Internet that's like a parent's worst nightmare.  This mother handled it well though.  Instead of reacting with immediate panic or anger she considered that her daughter was confessing this all on her own and so she calmly listened to her daughter describe what she did and then asked her about it.  The daughter said, "I know we shouldn't have done it mom.  I don't want to do it again.  Just tell me not to do it and I'll tell her that I'm not going into chat rooms with her again."  She knew that she needed fences up in order to play safely and went to her mom for help in erecting those boundaries.

William Gaultiere, Ph.D. is the Executive Director of the New Hope Crisis Counseling Center at the Crystal Cathedral and a Clinical Psychologist and Spiritual Director with ChristianSoulCare.com.  On his website you can sign up for a free inspirational devotional e-mail.