Dr.
Bill Gaultiere
Executive
Director of New Hope
Are
you lonely? If so you're not alone! One in three Americans report
being lonely. All types of people experience loneliness
from time to time, but certain groups are especially vulnerable
to chronic, heart-aching loneliness ' older people, widows and
widowers, divorcees, and singles are especially vulnerable to
loneliness. Surprisingly, even many teenagers (1 out of 10) admit
to struggling with loneliness.
Loneliness
Hurts
It
hurts to feel lonely. Our greatest need as people is to be
in loving relationships and when we don't feel connected to others
who we care about and who care about us then we feel lonely.
And with prolonged loneliness come other problems.
Depression.
People who are lonely are usually depressed. Their relational
and social needs aren't being met. They miss having a partner
to share life with and feel disconnected and bored. Even if you're
busy, competent, successful, or wealthy life lacks meaning if
you're not connected to people.
Low
Self-Esteem. Commonly, those who are lonely don't feel good about
themselves. Self-esteem is not something we can manufacture ourselves
or even maintain by ourselves. We all need to be esteemed and
affirmed consistently by others for who we are inside, how we
express ourselves, and what we have to offer. If you're isolated
from others then you're unknown and unappreciated.
Fear
and Anxiety. We need each other in so many ways. One reason we
need others is to talk through our feelings. Every day we all
experience many things including some negative, painful things.
We need to share these feelings and receive support. If we don't
regularly share our hearts with others then we'll become anxious,
worried, and agitated. And we may become fearful and increasingly
mistrusting of others.
Misperception
and Projection. When we're not receiving support from caring people
our souls become a breeding ground for negativity. Lacking in
feedback from others we're prone to make all sorts of wrong and
negative assumptions about other people and how they feel about
us. And we may project our own issues onto them seeing judgment
or rejection when it's not out there, it's actually coming from
inside!
Physical
Problems. Dean Ornish, MD reported on research that showed that
people who are lonely, depressed, and isolated are three to five
times more likely to develop serious illness or to die prematurely.
He concluded:
"I'm
not aware of any factor in medicine ' not diet, not smoking,
not exercise, not stress, not genetics, not drugs, not surgery
' that has greater impact on our quality of life, incidence
of illness and premature death than the healing power of love
and intimacy. Yet the need for love and intimacy often goes
unfulfilled." (Love & Survival: The Scientific Basis
for the Healing Power of Intimacy.)
Four
Types of Lonely People
Socially
Isolated. Jared is 37 and single and not currently dating anyone.
(All names and identifying information in this article have been
changed.) He's a representative for an investment company and
works from home. He sells financial products to investment brokers,
mostly over the phone and for 10 or more hours per day. With his
free time he likes to watch sporting events and tinker in the
garage.
Jared
is busy, successful, and enjoys his work and his hobbies, but
he doesn't belong to any social groups or clubs. He's friendly
with his clients and people he sees at church or around town,
but he has no context for regular contact with a consistent group
of people.
He
finally sought help saying, "I don't belong anywhere. I need
to meet some people and make some friends, but I don't know where
to start." He started to feel connected to people when he
affiliated himself with some groups. He got involved in the singles
group at his church and he started an investment club with weekly
member meetings. And he volunteered in his church's car ministry.
He had less time for his work and his hobbies, but he was much
happier.
Interpersonally
Isolated. Alicia had places to belong, but she was still lonely.
She's married with two young children and volunteers in her children's
school and plays bunco with her friends in the neighborhood every
couple of weeks.
Why
is she lonely? She's getting enough social interaction and is
affiliated with groups that are meaningful to her, but all of
her relationships are rather superficial. She said, "I just
don't feel like I have anyone to really share my heart with. Nobody
really knows when I've had a bad day and I'm tired of being a
mother or I just hung up from a call with my sister in which I
felt criticized. My husband knows, but he doesn't know how to
deal with my feelings."
Alicia
needed more intimacy in her life. Talking with me about
her true feelings helped because she felt understood. She had
been dismissing her feelings herself and now she started to take
them seriously. Also, she took some risks and became more honest
with two of her friends that she felt safest with and the closeness
that developed was just what she was missing.
Intrapersonal
Isolation. Ken had struggled with loneliness ever since his wife
died of cancer three years ago. Of course, he missed her, but
his loneliness went beyond that. The surprising thing was that
he felt lonely even though he was very involved with his grown
kids and their families and was active in his work and church
and community. He had places he belonged and people who cared
about him, but still he felt lonely.
"I
hate being alone," he complained. "I just stay busy
all the time." Work, projects, errands, social outings he
was always doing something. And when he was with his family and
friends he kept the focus off himself and onto them. What we found
out was that Ken didn't like himself. He was quite self-critical
and felt guilty having any needs at all. He didn't ask for help
and tried to stay out of the spotlight. Even when others offered
care it didn't get in very well because he felt so bad about himself.
Ken
had to learn to ask for personal attention and care and to accept
it and agree with it. He had to take it in and care for himself.
And whenever he was alone and not liking being with himself he
tried to call his or daughter or one of his friends and tell them
how he felt.
Spiritual
Loneliness. Becky's loneliness was spiritual, although she didn't
identify it as such at first. She was satisfied with her marriage
and her relationships with her teenage daughters and she had friends
that she enjoyed. But she felt that something was missing.
When
I asked her about her faith it became clear that she was struggling
in that area. She was a Christian, but she wasn't active in her
faith and didn't really have much of a relationship with God.
She had stopped going to church and reading her Bible some years
ago and only prayed now and again, mostly in times of great need
or stress.
To
her God was distant and uninvolved at best and harsh at worst.
She had unresolved anger at her religious father's hypocrisy and
some bad experiences in a legalistic church and some which were
effecting how she felt about God. As she worked through these
issues and talked about the emptiness in her life it became clear
to her that she was hungering for intimacy with God and a feeling
of significance to her life. She realized that she had been enjoying
God's blessings in her life without attributing them to him. She
did so and sought him with an open heart and she began to experience
his love in new ways and it made the difference for her.
The
Cycle of Loneliness
I've
found that there is a pattern to loneliness, how it develops and
how it continues. And the negative cycle can be broken. You don't
have to live with perpetual loneliness. The way out starts with
understanding how loneliness develops and worsens.
People
who struggle with chronic loneliness usually have bonding injuries
or deficits from childhood that need attention. Obviously,
this includes those who have been abused, harshly treated, or
abandoned. Less obviously, it may include those who were repeatedly
criticized or rejected or were emotionally neglected. Sensitive,
fragile, and perfectionistic children are particularly vulnerable
to receiving lasting relational wounds.
The
pain from being continually wounded or unloved by those who you
depend upon can be crippling. To cope with this we develop patterns
of denial and escape. These defense mechanisms, compulsions,
and patterns of withdrawal are unconscious ways of minimizing
the pain of the moment, but over time they make the pain worse.
Tragically,
those who have been most hurt and are most in need of love and
care are often least equipped to develop the caring, healing relationships
that they need. They're lonely. And they may become negative,
mistrusting, and hopeless. Their loneliness may continue or worsen
as they recycle through the pattern, being re-injured and experiencing
more pain in relationships that are abusive, chaotic, or disappointing.
Quick Comforts
for the Lonely
For many loneliness
comes and goes. And for those who are chronically lonely the pain
may peak and wane. So for those times that quick comfort is needed
what you can do? Some deny their feelings and try to distract
themselves with busyness. Others have a bowl of ice cream or engage
in some other compulsive behavior.
Here are a
few ideas for healthy ways to get through a bout of loneliness:
- Pick up
the phone and call a family member, friend, or an acquaintance.
- Go to the
store or an event and be friendly with people you encounter.
- Go outside
and take a walk. Let nature speak to you.
- Get a pet
to care for and cuddle with.
- Get involved
in a hobby you enjoy.
- Talk to
God about how you're feeling and express your love to him.
Steps from
Loneliness to Loveliness
If loneliness
is a continual problem for you then you need more than a quick
dose of comfort. You need to work at building meaningful, caring
relationships with others, yourself, and God. And you may
need to focus on your emotional healing and growth by seeking
the support of a therapist or support group.
Here are some
steps to overcoming chronic loneliness.
- Get involved
in a social group(s) in your church or community. Be in contexts
where you can meet and get to know other people by having frequent
contact with the same people.
- Join a
support group or small group in which there is a stated intention
of developing caring relationships.
- Build intimacy
with safe people by sharing your inner feelings and drawing
them out too. Talk about your relationship and how it's going,
especially the positives.
- When someone
is listening to you, helping you, or caring for you work at
taking it in by agreeing with their care and encouragement and
expressing appreciation.
- Keep a
journal in which you write down your prayers and your sense
of what God is saying back to you.
- Find other
people who are lonely and express care for them. Lonely people
are not hard to find. Just volunteer your time in a church ministry
or community center and you'll encounter people who need your
listening, encouragement, and help.
How to
be a Popular Person
People who
make desirable, genuine friends are well liked for good reasons.
Popular people practice certain skills that make them attractive
to others and make their relationships more likely to succeed.
Practice as many of these skills as you can until they become
they become a habitual part of your lifestyle and character. Then
loneliness will be an infrequent and momentary experience for
you.
- Schedule
social time. Your calendar should have room for relationships.
Things like support groups, quality time with family, one-on-one
time with friends, community service, and social events are
regular parts of the schedules of popular people.
- Maintain
a positive attitude. An enthusiastic, encouraging, positive
approach to life is winsome and it makes relationship opportunities
succeed. Expect others to respond positively to you and usually
they will. Be friendly and people will want to talk with you
again.
- Be an active
listener. Ask open-ended questions that draw people out. Reply
to others with caring comments that are connected to what has
been said to you. Contrary to what most think, you don't
have to be interesting to be popular; you have to be interested.
- Bounce
back from rejection. Everyone feels rejected or shunned from
time to time. The key is how you react to rejection. Those who
are socially secure and confident don't take rejection personally.
They realize that it can result from misunderstanding, the other
person's problems or mood, or an incompatibility. They learn
from their experience, bounce back, and try again ' with the
same person or someone new.
- Contain
your emotions. Nobody likes to be dumped on. Don't ramble on
and on about your problems and don't overreact to situations
with huge emotional displays. Think about what you're going
to say before you say it. When expressing your feelings, take
ownership of what you feel and be clear by saying, "When
that happened I feltÖ"
- Diffuse
disagreements. Disagreement and conflict is inevitable in any
close relationship. Work at stopping conflicts from escalating
by validating the other person's feelings, apologizing for your
wrongs, and negotiating resolutions.
- Express
your sense of humor. Everyone likes to laugh. Share jokes or
funny stories and try to find the humor in situations and talk
about it.
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