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by Dr. Bill Gaultiere
Executive Director of New Hope

Some true or false questions are not so easy to answer. That is the case when it comes to answering the question of whether or not you have self-esteem. Because when it comes to self-esteem appearances can be deceiving.

Consider the religious leaders of Jesus' day. They were at the top of the cultural ladder, dressed in ornate robes, respected teachers of the law, confident in their legal righteousness. To many they were a model of positive self-esteem. Certainly, they didn't lack for confidence. Yet Jesus said they were like white-washed tombstones. They cleaned up the outside of themselves to look good and be admired, but hidden inside they were dead; their white-washed souls were actually black, empty and corrupted by greed and arrogance. They didn't deal with these inside issues and problems; they didn't confess the sins of their hearts; they didn't offer care for hurting people in need. Instead they focused on appearances. Theirs was a false self-esteem.

In contrast remember David, the shepherd boy turned giant-slayer turned King who wrote most of the psalms in the Bible. In some of his psalms (not the praise songs, the other ones that we rarely sing in church, but ought to sing more often because they're encourage us in times of difficulty) we see David struggling with the guilt of his sins, regretting his failures, crying out in pain, running from his enemies, fuming over the mistreatment he had received, doubting God. At times like these he looked like a miserable failure, he seemed to have anything but self-esteem. But when you look more closely you see a man who rose above his struggles and mistakes in exemplary fashion and with thanks and praise to God. You see a man with a very strong sense of self; he paid attention to his feelings, he verbalized his needs and his problems, and he accomplished great things. You see a man who cared for people, even his enemies. And he brought all of who he was - the good and the bad - into relationship with others and God, seeking and receiving the care that he needed. He modeled the two sides of positive self esteem: honest self-disclosure and faith in God. He had true self-esteem.

Which type of self-esteem do you have? Are you more focused on looking good on the outside to impress others or on being who you are and sharing honestly with people you trust? For most of us, if we don't focus ourselves then like the pharisees of Jesus' day we too can spend too much time putting make-up on in front of the mirror, or trying on new clothes in the department store dressing room, or counting the money in our bank account, or washing and waxing the car in the driveway. Yet, self-esteem has little relationship to what we look like or what we possess. It has everything to do with things like expressing and enjoying our unique personality, entrusting our feelings and needs with those close to us, considering our best interests in our decisions, and using our gifts to help others. This type of self-esteem is like a flower rooted deep inside our souls and blooming forth to fill our world with the color and beauty that makes birds sing and people smile.

I hope that you can see that if you want to enjoy a true and positive self-esteem like David modeled for us in the psalms it requires that you be honest with who you are and that you receive the care and esteem that you need. If you need to work on developing a true and positive self-esteem then try implementing some of the following ten tips, some are simple to do and some are not so simple to do. All will help you feel better about who you are and be who you are more freely.

Ten Tips to True Self-Esteem:


1. Read 1 Corinthians 13 which lists a number of attributes of love and read it like this, "God is patient with me. God is kind with meÝ"
2. Say thank you when someone compliments you.
3. Look in the mirror (before you're made up or dressed up) and smile.
4. Say no to activities that aren't good for you.
5. Do something you enjoy at least once a day.
6. Write a psalm to God. Tell God exactly how you feel, the pleasant and the unpleasant. Then thank him for listening and for how he's going to help you.
7. Talk to someone you trust about what's really going on with you. And when you do practice receiving the care offered by your friend and believe that you are worthwhile.
8. Don't let your mistakes get the best of you by giving in to the idea that you're all bad, a failure, or worthless. Instead, take responsibility for your problems and confess your sins and then receive God's acceptance and forgiveness. You're not all bad, you're good and bad and you're all loved.
9. Enjoy expressing the unique personality that you have. And to help you do this spend time with people who enjoy you.
10. Use your gifts and strengths to help people in need. Helping others will help you too. Making a difference in someone else's life will help you feel significant and worthwhile.