We know that as Christians we are called to forgive one another as Christ has forgiven us. We talk about it all the time. But we also find that some things are just harder than others to forgive. We tend to rank wrongdoing on a scale of "little white lie" up to the big ten of the commandments. Surely fudging on an income tax return cannot be equated with murder or a crime such as rape? We dole out our forgiveness on a similar ranking system. There are large grievances, and those so small, they hardly seem to be worth mentioning.
We also tend to have the belief that when we forgive, we automatically need to reconcile. That is, to bring the person back into our lives. This is a stumbling block to us at times when we recognize that some people are not "safe" for us to bring back into our inner sanctum.
Forgiveness
Dictionary Definition of Forgiveness:
1. To stop being angry about or resenting somebody or somebody's behavior
2. To pardon somebody: to excuse somebody for a mistake, misunderstanding, wrongdoing, or
inappropriate behavior.
3. Cancel Obligation: To cancel an obligation such as debt.
4. To give amnesty to; release from a liability.
Forgiveness is the mental, and/or spiritual process of ceasing to feel resentment to, indignation or anger against another person for a perceived offence, difference or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution. Forgiveness may be considered simply in terms of the person who forgives, in terms of the person forgiven and/or in terms of the relationship between the forgiver and the person forgiven. In some contexts, it may be granted without any expectation of compensation, and without any response on the part of the offender (for example, one may forgive a person who is dead).
The Psychological Definition of Forgiveness:
Dr. Robert Enright, from the University of Wisconsin says "Forgiveness is the overcoming of negative affect and judgment toward the offender, not by denying ourselves the right to such affect and judgment, but by endeavoring to view the offender with benevolence, compassion and even love, while recognizing that he or she has abandoned the right to them. One who forgives has A)suffered a great hurt leading to resentment B) They have a right to be resentful but choose to overcome it C)a new response to the other occurs, including compassion D )this response occurs while understanding the other person has no right to this compassion." (Enright 1992.)
By not forgiving someone else, we actually enter into sin ourselves and we become separate from God. We have all sinned and deserve God's judgment. So what do we do when justice is not served? The Biblical answer is Romans 12:19. "Dear friends, never avenge yourselves. Leave that to God. For it is written, I will take vengeance; I will repay those who deserve it," says the Lord.
The Benefits of Forgiving
So why should we forgive? Well, for one thing, studies show that people who forgive are happier and healthier than those who hold resentments. (Campaign for Forgiveness research 2006.)
Scripture Regarding Forgiving:
Luke 6:37 "Do not judge and you will not be judged. Do not condemn and you will not be condemned."
Col. 3:13 "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you."
Matthew 6:14-15 "For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive you your sins."
Matthew 18:21 "Peter came to Jesus and asked "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered "I tell you, not seven times but seventy times seven times."
Mark 11:25 "And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him so that your Father in Heaven may forgive you your sins."
Luke 23:34 "Jesus said" Father, forgive them, for they know not what they are doing." And they divided up his clothes by casting lots."
The Trial
How do we deal with the emotions we have around the hurt we have been given? When a child is molested by a trusted relative, a woman brutally raped, a man beaten to unconsciousness and left for dead? Our human nature is to seek revenge. We love the Old Testament standard of "An eye for an eye or a tooth for a tooth." It feels good to us. We want revenge for what has happened. But this in not the Way of the cross. Violence only leads to more violence. This is the cycle we see with gang violence and retaliation; it never ends. So how do we get to a place where we can let go? A friend of mine gave me a tool that is both humbling and helpful to achieve this.
Imagine the worst wrong ever done to you. See the face of your perpetrator. Now imagine him arrested, dragged into court in hand-cuffs and shackles. The judge asks for your testimony, and you let it all out; all the harm, the hurt and damage done to your life by their callous actions. The jury deliberates only a minute, coming back with the pronouncement of "Guilty!" It feels good. At last justice is being served. As the accused stands unrepentant in front of you, imagine the perfect sentence for this person. Life in prison, death, torture? What ever seems to best fit the crime. The judge has considered your recommendation and slams down the gavel with the sentence you have recommended. Everyone cheers.
Now, before the judge adjourns the courtroom, picture the doors at the back of the room opening. A beautiful light appears, filling the room. A man comes forward, dressed all in white. Everyone looks in wonder; who could he be? "May I address the court?" he says. "You have found this person guilty, and indeed they are. The sentence given is more than fair." The man opens his palms, full of holes and bloody. Suddenly his whole garment is covered in blood and a crown of thorns pierces his skull.
"I ask that you put this person into my custody, and trust me to choose the punishment. If his heart remains hard and he never acknowledges me, his fate will be far worse than any sentence you can imagine. But if he is mine, and I know him, then I have already served his sentence. In fact, I have died for what he did and I have the right to pardon him, just as all of you have been pardoned for the sins you committed and for which I also died. But for now, I ask your compassion for the desperateness of his condition. Without me in his life, he knows no joy, no love and no peace. If he does not accept me, he will continue to suffer for all eternity. Remember, it is only through knowing me that you have been spared the same fate. If you choose to continue to hate this man, then you are sentencing yourself to bitterness and separation from me. The choice remains yours." With that the light and the man disappear. The judge turns to you and says, "What is your decision?" Now it is all up to you.
Repentance
Dictionary Definition of Repentance:
1. To be sorry: to recognize the wrong in something you have done and be sorry about it.
2. Change your ways: to feel regret about a sin or past actions and change your ways or habits: to turn from sin and dedicate oneself to the amendment of one's life.
- To feel sorrow.
- To change one's mind, i.e. to repent to change one's mind for better, heartily to amend with abhorrence of one's past.
So what is repentance all about? Well, we said that forgiveness is really about the one who has been harmed, not the one causing the harm. Repentance, then, is about the one causing harm. If we have been forgiven without repenting, than we have not received the blessings God has for us. So for the accused to become whole and be accepted back into the fold, repentance must take place.
Scripture References Regarding Repentance:
Matthew 3:8 "Produce fruit in keeping with repentance."
Acts 26:20 "First to those in Damascus, then to those in Jerusalem and in all Judea, and to the Gentiles also, I preached that they should repent and turn to God and prove their repentance by their deeds."
1 Cor. 7:9 -10 "Yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us. Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death."
Heb 6:6 "If they fall away, to be brought back to repentance, because*to their loss they are crucifying the Son of God all over again and subjecting him to public disgrace."
2 Peter 3:9" The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.
Luke 17:3-4" So watch yourselves." If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, 'I repent,' forgive him."
Acts 3:19 "Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord,"
So we understand that true repentance is an actual change of the heart. To repent, we must first acknowledge and confess, or speak out what we did. We admit that it is wrong, and we are truly sorry. We now have compassion for the one whom we have hurt ad we wish we could undo the harm. Sometimes things cannot be undone, but we do whatever we can do to assist the one injured. We ask forgiveness, but realize we are not deserving of it. We understand if our accuser is not able to give it to us. In 12 step programs this is an important step for the healing if the person in the program. We must go and try to make amends. If we don't try, we cannot truly heal our wound.
Reconciliation
Now that we understand the difference between forgiving and repenting, there is one more piece required for restoration to take place. Once we are convinced that someone has repented, that is that they are truly sorry and have had a change of their ways, we are ready to consider reconciliation. The key here is that the person's repentance is real. Part of this process could well include serving jail time, going through rehab or making restitution of what was taken away. Sometimes none of these things have occurred, and it may be hard to tell if the person's repentance is sincere.
Dictionary Definition of Reconciliation:
1. To re-establish a close relationship between.
2. To settle or resolve.
3. To bring (oneself) to accept.
4. To make compatible or consistent.
5. To restore to friendship or harmony.
Scripture Regarding Reconciliation:
Mat 5:24 "Leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.
Luke 12:58 "As you are going with your adversary to the magistrate, try hard to be reconciled to him on the way, or he may drag you off to the judge, and the judge turn you over to the officer, and the officer throw you into prison."
Acts 7:26 "The next day Moses came upon two Israelites who were fighting. He tried to reconcile them by saying, 'Men, you are brothers; why do you want to hurt each other?'
Rom 5:10 "For if, when we were God's enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life!
2 Cor. 5:18 "All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation" 5:20 "We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ's behalf: Be reconciled to God.
Col 1:22 "But now he has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation."
1 John 1:9 "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness."
Reconciliation is therefore, about re-establishing trust that has been broken. Real problems can occur when someone tries to reconcile before repentance has actually taken place. Problems can also occur when trust is granted before it has been earned. Unlike forgiveness which cannot be "earned" trust must be.
Reconciliation will not always be possible for people. When it is however, it can make a relationship stronger than ever. The most important aspect of reconciliation is that real trust has been re-established. Often this is where things fall apart. The offender may have a true change of heart, much as Paul had concerning Christ. The injured party however, may have a tough time believing real change has occurred. They may continually bring up the situation that happened as a way of manipulating the other person through guilt. If real forgiveness has not taken place, the relationship will eventually break down once again. That is why the Lord tells us that "as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us." Psalm 103.12.
Once we are reconciled to Him, the Lord removes our offense as well as forgiving it. This is a hard condition for human beings to achieve with one another. Once our trust is broken by someone, it is hard to re-establish, but not impossible. We must first trust the person with little things again, letting trust build until we are sure a true change of heart and actions has occurred. With Paul, the Lord changed Him from His persecutor to His greatest apostle. It took a true change of heart on Paul's part, and the Lord's willingness to trust Paul with His greatest commission!
