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William Gaultiere, Ph.D
Executive Director of New Hope, Psychologist ChristianSoulCare.com

You have a good heart. Or you wouldn't be reading these words. You want to be more kind to other souls. You know that Jesus is kind to you and to others and you want to live more like him! This is beautiful. And I'm here to tell you that you can grow in the kindness of Jesus and I hope to show you how to do it.

I was Unkind

It had been another morning fighting traffic on the 5 Freeway here in Southern California. Finally I exited to a long line of cars on the off ramp. More frustration. I checked my watch, Gosh. It's 9 am already! I've got so much work to do today. Finally the light is green. C'mon! C'mon, cars let's go. Get through the light. Ohhh! I slammed on the breaks so I wouldn't crash into the careful driver in front of me who didn't push it through the yellow light like I was going to do!

There I am tapping my fingers on the steering wheel and I notice to my left a man standing precariously on the narrow median between the freeway off ramp and on ramp. I recognized him. I'd seen him there before. And others like him. There they'd stand for hours breathing smog and hearing horns, skids, and screeches. This man was disheveled and unshaven and he held a sign, "Homeless and Hungry." Suddenly, he gave a dead pan stare my way. I looked away.

I found myself stuck in gridlock again - in my head. You should help this guy Bill. But my lunch is in the trunk. Just give him a few dollars. But he might use it for alcohol and cigarettes. He looks hungry. But maybe he's just one of those scam artists. You're supposed to be a minister of the gospel Bill! Oh, when is this light going to turn? I'm so sick of this guilt and fear. This keeps happening at this stop light. Somebody should call the police to take care of this.

I don't remember the rest of that summer day in 2004. But I remember having a conversation about it that night with my wife Kristi. I told her how I kept seeing men like this on the way to work and how it felt so bad to just drive by. I told her of my fears and my excuses. I told her that I felt like the priest in Jesus' parable of the Good Samaritan who walked by the injured man on the Jericho road. I told her that Jesus would find a way to help this man. He's certainly helped me! Kristi has the gift of mercy and she listened attentively to me. Then she said, "I've had similar feelings like that. I started carrying extra food in the car so I could pass it out."

What an idea! Anticipate others needs and be prepared. Share with others the kindness of Jesus that I've benefited from. So that's what I did. I started carrying packages of food in my car. Whenever I get in my car I see them. They remind me to pray and to look for opportunities to share God's kindness. Since then there have been many times that I've encountered a homeless man on the roadside and opened up my window to offer a pop top can of sausages, granola bar, or peanut butter crackers with a smile and a "God bless you." A couple of times I've slowed down going through a green light to hand off a gift of food to that same man whose gaze I had averted. Such a little thing to do, but it generates such genuine appreciativeness for people who are so down and out.

Going Beyond "Just Do It!"

This is a small act of generosity. A simple act of care and kindness we call it at the Crystal Cathedral's annual "International Conference on Care & Kindness." But it's little kindness like this that change my soul and your soul and the world!

I don't mean to draw attention to my kindness. Actually, I need to grow to be more kind and to do more for the homeless! I share this story because it's an illustration. The fact that I don't have the gift of mercy like my wife does makes it an especially good illustration for our purposes here. You know the Bible says, "Love is patient, love is kind." I have to stop right there and drop to my knees! I don't even get out of the gate on the "1 Corinthians 13 Path of Love" before I have to pray, "I'm sorry" and remind myself that it's not about me, it's about God. It's about God. And God is patient with me. He is kind with me. "God is love" (1 John 4:8b). So he's helping me to become more loving as I trust in his love for me and let it flow through me to others.

My point here is that if God can help me to become a kinder person then he can help you too! So I want you to think about this issue with me. How can you give more kindness to others? What will it take for us to be more generous and gracious with other people?

The answer is not, "Just do it!" That might sell a lot of shoes, but it doesn't make people kind. But that tends to be how we think about virtue and the Christian life. Just do it! To just do the right thing, the kind thing, is good in that it helps others, but it's usually not sustainable. Over and over again as a Christian Psychologist I talk with people who burn out on caring for others because they were doing it out of duty. It was a pressure, an obligation, not a joy.

The other problem with the "Just be kind" pep talk is that it doesn't aim high enough. God is after our hearts. The real issue is developing kindness in your heart. Do you want to be kind? Then there's Jesus. What is his involvement in your kindness? Are you offering kindness in Jesus' name or your own? These are important issues.

I wouldn't be carrying food for the homeless in my car right now if all I had to help me was, "Just do it." I've told myself that for years. I've heard sermons and motivational talks on that. I've read books on that. I've guilt-tripped myself. I've pressured myself. But in 26 years of driving through the intersections of life I continually looked away from the hungry people holding a sign. What's different now?

How to Become a Kind, Caring Person

How did I grow in kindness? How did I change if it wasn't by just relying on my self and using my moral muscle to try harder? Let's look at how Jesus got a hold of me in this one area so that we can all grow to be more like Jesus in specific areas of our lives.

In his book Renovation of the Heart Dallas Willard gives a simple model for how people change. He calls it VIM, as in "vim and vigor." Don't you want to live with more "vim and vigor"? Wouldn't you like to have more of God's life flowing through you? Yes, of course! Then use VIM. VIM stands for: Vision, Intention, Means. Let's briefly go through these three aspects of change, focusing especially on using spiritual disciplines as ways that we can trust God to make us more kind.

For instance, if you want to lose weight you need a vision of yourself as thinner, you have to intend to burn more calories then you consume, and you need to use specific means for losing weight like cutting down on carbs, not eating before bed, exercising, talking with a counselor or friend about the emotional aspects of your eating. You might use a program like Weight Watchers or Overeaters Anonymous. These programs have means for losing weight built into them. Learning anything works this way.

I got a general vision for being more kind to the down and out from reading the Bible, especially the gospels that show us how Jesus lived. I also got this from participating in the "International Conference on Care & Kindness" year after year! I think that the key for me though was that I got a very specific vision from my wife. I saw how she kept herself prepared to hand out food to hungry people standing by a stop light. I opened my eyes to how God could use me in the exact situation I was struggling with.

But my heart had to change to fit my growing vision of kindness. We have to want to be kind. Some people don't want to be. I'm embarrassed to admit this, but I didn't used to want to be more kind! I was in a hurry all the time! I had more important things to think about and work on than stopping to offer kindness to a ragged stranger on the roadside. Sometimes this is still true of me. But with God's help I had been developing the desire to be patient and kind even before this particular morning in my car. I was asking God to help me become more loving like Jesus. And this desire was getting reinforced because it felt good whenever I did offer a kindness to someone.

And I was already practicing a number of spiritual disciplines that had helped me get into a state of preparedness to be kind in this area. These disciplines have been "means of grace" for me, ways to put me before God so that he can change my heart and strengthen me to be more kind. This is the "M" in "VIM."

· As I said already, I had meditated on the kindness of Jesus in the gospels.

· I was giving and receiving support from spiritual friends like Kristi.

· Periodically, I had been fasting from food and praying for God to increase my hunger for him and to do his will. This had many positive effects including helping me to be sensitive to the needs of the hungry (Isaiah 58:6-8).

· I had been working on practicing the presence of God throughout each day, using clock chimes and other reminders to offer a brief prayer about whatever I'm doing at the moment.

· I confessed my guilt to Kristi. If I hadn't confessed my un-kindness and received God's healing mercy from my wife I wouldn't have had the strength to change.

We can use this same VIM approach to become better listeners, to be friendly to strangers, to offer blessings to people who are mean to us, or any number of examples of growing in the kindness of Jesus.

Becoming Like Jesus

The problem we have today in the church is that we identify ourselves as "Christ-ones" and say that we want to be like Jesus, but we don't talk much about the specifics of how to do this. What I've learned is that to do the wonderful kind things that Jesus did in his ministry I need to practice the spiritual disciplines that Jesus did when we was out of the public eye. Jesus was intentional about connecting with his Father, caring for his own soul so that he could care for the souls of others. He practiced what he preached!

· He studied Scripture. He meditated on it. He memorized it.

· He fasted. He went on a 40-day fast in the desert to focus on his mission before he launched his public ministry.

· "Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed" (Luke 5:16, NIV). He got up before sunrise to practice the disciplines of solitude, silence, and prayer.

· He taught us his own prayer, "The Lord's Prayer." In it we see that he practiced what's called "centering prayer," being still and quiet before God to focus on one idea at a time.

· He shared with his closest spiritual friends: John, James, and Peter.

· He worshiped God in the temple.

· He celebrated the Sabbath and the Passover and other religious holidays.

· He did acts of service for others, like washing his disciples' feet.

Now, don't make the mistake of thinking, "Well, that's Jesus you're talking about. He was the Son of God. I can't do what he did." We don't believe Jesus' words in John 14:12 (NIV): "Anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these." And we forget that Jesus was tempted as we were and he could've chosen to sin. He had to learn and grow as we do and he could've chosen to be lazy. In the incarnation he set the privileges of the godhead aside. He needed vision, intention, and means to live well too. He had to work with God in prayer. He had to practice spiritual disciplines to minister with the love and power of the Holy Spirit.

It was the same for the godly men and women of the Old Testament, the disciples of the New Testament, and the saints through the ages. The people that God has used powerfully in ministry were those who connected with God deep in their souls and interacted with him in ways that changed their thoughts and feelings and habits so that they naturally did the kind of things that Jesus did. They got into the flow. They didn't have to force it, by pressuring themselves with guilt. They really wanted to serve God and bless other people. As Jesus described, the Spirit's fountain got into their souls and spouted forth to splash all over the people around them (John 4:14, 7:38).

Spiritual Disciplines

What is a spiritual discipline about? How do they help us to become more like Jesus? I like Dallas Willard's definition of a spiritual discipline: "A discipline is what you do to modify your inner person. It's an activity in my power that enables me to accomplish what I can't do by direct effort" ("The Great Omission in the Great Commission," teaching CD).

The point is that the way to offer more and more simple acts of care and kindness is to become caring and kind in your heart by using spiritual disciplines to grow in God's grace. You see when you use the "Just do it" approach to kindness - and we've all done this - you quickly find out that you keep failing.

· When you were a kid and there was a big piece of pie and little piece of pie, one for you and one for your brother, which one did you take?

· When you and your spouse are in an argument and you both need compassion do you listen or come back in anger?

· When a co-worker insults you do you get even or offer a blessing?

This selfish, inconsiderate approach to living is ingrained in us from birth. And when we try to overcome this with kindness out of sheer will power we may succeed at first, but ultimately we'll fall on our faces.

What do you do then? Remember the old advice, "If at first you don't succeed." (Try, try again.) No! That's bad advice Dallas points out. That'll just confirm you in bad habits of pride, legalism, and guilt! Don't, "Just do it." Don't, "Try, try again." Instead, find out what is wrong inside your heart and change that. The disciplines do that; they change you on the inside so that you think and desire what is good and godly.

Disciplines that Help us to Be Kind

We've mentioned a number of spiritual disciplines from the life of Jesus and from my own life that help us to grow in God's grace, to receive his kindness so that we become more kind and can readily and consistently do kind things for people. Let's elaborate on a few.

Silence and Solitude. "Silence and Solitude? What do they have to do with being kind?" Good question! They seem so aloof. Aren't they unkind?

Actually, getting alone with God to be quiet is one of the foundational Christian disciplines to help us become more like Jesus. When was the last time you took half of a day or more to be still in God's presence? Even an hour? It's easy in our hectic and harried world to race through day after day of busy-ness and demands and worries and noise without pausing for even five minutes to be still and do nothing. To just be with God. To de-stress. To unload anxieties. To tell God you love him. To listen to him.

Silence and solitude restore the soul. You set yourself apart from the demands of other people and your schedule. You feel. You listen. You get re-grounded in God.

How does this relate to kindness? Ever try to be kind to someone when you're pressured and in a hurry? Ever try to offer compassion to someone when you're exhausted? It's tough.

When we pour out our hearts to God and let him be gracious to us then we have blessings to share with others. When we rest in God's care then we have the energy to help others.

But it goes deeper than that. Being silent when we're alone with God helps us to be silent when we're with other people. One of the kindest things we can do for another person is to LISTEN. That requires being silent. Not dwelling on what you want to say, but taking the other person's experience into your heart. This shows people God's compassion.

Or, let's say you're in a meeting. Do you jump in to promote your agenda or to impress everyone with what you've accomplished? Or can you be quiet and let someone else be in the spotlight? What if you're being criticized? Dare you listen and empathize with the other person's difficulty? Could you respond to an insult with a blessing? The strength to use silence as a vehicle for kindness comes from being still before God and growing in his grace.

Lectio Divinia

Have you ever participated in a "Lectio Divinia Meditation"? You may not know what it is. Lectio Divina means "divine reading." It's an ancient form of Christian meditation in which we pray over God's Word, seeking to step inside the passage by listening to God speak to us as we read and re-read the text out loud together.

We need to understand that meditation means more than reading gospel stories. It's praying over God's words. It's mulling over a passage like a cow chewing it's cud. You bite. You chew. You roll it around in your mouth. You swallow it. Then you bring it back up and start the whole process again! (It may be gross in a cows mouth, but it's delicious when it's God's word in your soul!)

Lectio Divinia is especially effective with gospel passages that focus on Jesus. David Benner, Psychologist, Spiritual Director, and author of "Sacred Companions," begins most of his "Spiritual Accompaniment Groups" this way. I learned it from Ray Ortlund when I went through his discipleship group. It's one of my favorite spiritual disciplines and I use it frequently with the other disciples who participate in my annual "Christ's Ambassadors Spiritual Growth Group".

There are many different ways to do Lectio Divinia, depending on the specific question you bring to God's Word. Usually, you'd read through the passage at least three times and have periods for silent prayer in between. For each reading you focus on a different way of entering into the passage. (You also could do as I learned from my mentor Ray Ortlund and use a different translation of the text for each reading.) Let me give you a brief example. Let's say you were to do a Lectio Divina on the story of Jesus and the Man with Leprosy from Matthew 8:1-4. First, you might read through it and be silent before the Lord, asking him to speak to your heart. The second time you meditate on the passage you might ask God to show you how you're like the man with leprosy. Then the third time through the Scripture you could pray that God would help you to be like Jesus and to offer a touch of kindness to the down and out people around you.

Breath Prayers

Breath prayers are one of my favorite spiritual disciplines. They originated with 2^nd Century monks known as the Desert Fathers because they went into the desert to live and pray. To simply focus on Christ these monks repeated their short holy prayers over and over with each breath. Often they would breathe their prayers before going to sleep at night until it prayed itself within their souls while they slept. Then when they awoke in the morning the prayer was upon their lips.

The favorite prayer of these Desert Fathers was the "Jesus Prayer." There are a few variations on the exact wording of this. I like the seven syllable version, "Jesus, have mercy on me." Now, let's be sure we understand what "mercy" is. In the Bible mercy means more than not getting punished as you deserve. It means healing or reconciliation. It's the basis of kindness.

Maybe you'd like to join me right now as you're reading this article and pray this Breath Prayer, "Jesus, have mercy on me"? To start, relax your body and tune out distractions around you. Focus on your breathing. I find it especially helpful to get into a rhythm of breathing in deep, holding my breath, and releasing. Breathing in God's mercy deep, holding his mercy inside, and releasing. While you're breathing in whisper, "Je-sus." Then hold onto Jesus and his mercy with your breath. Then as you breathe out whisper, "Have mer-cy on me." You'll notice that two syllables to breathe in a five to breathe out is just right!

After you've done this awhile pray the Jesus prayer for others. "Je-sus, have mer-cy on ______." Who does God want you to be kind to? Pray for God's mercy for them.

Spiritual Friendship

Let's close by briefly mentioning the discipline of spiritual friendship. Talking and praying with friends about how it's going with your soul and God is essential. For years I've relied on this. I can't imagine growing in grace and generosity toward others without this support and encouragement.

Do you have a friend that you trust? How about talking to that person about what you've just read here or about anything in your relationship with God? That's what spiritual friends do. Often when they're together they focus on encouraging one another in their spiritual growth. They might even become prayer partners.

May God help us through our trust in Jesus to grow in receiving his kindness deep in our souls and sharing it with others!

William Gaultiere, Ph.D. is the Executive Director of the New Hope Crisis Counseling Center at the Crystal Cathedral and a Clinical Psychologist and Spiritual Director with ChristianSoulCare.com. On his website you can sign up for a free, bi-monthly inspirational e-mail.