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William Gaultiere, Ph.D
Executive Director of New Hope, Psychologist ChristianSoulCare.com

"Turn the other cheek. If someone takes your shirt give him your coat. Bless those who curse you." For most people these teachings of Jesus' are painfully misunderstood or seem impossible. Yet, every week, if not every day, you are insulted, criticized, or mistreated by someone. How do you deal with those situations? How about looking at them as an opportunity to grow to be more like Jesus by responding as he would? Read on - if you're brave enough!

JESUS' TEACHINGS ON ANGER

Let's go over Jesus' teachings on anger from the Sermon on the Mount to see if we can get a better understanding of them. Notice how he focuses on the problems we have with anger in our hearts.

Don't let anger control you; address it in love: "I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift. Settle matters quickly with your adversary" (Matthew 5:22a, 23-25a, NIV).

Jesus is not saying that the emotion of anger is sinful. He is saying that anger is dangerous - be careful! Stand before the Lord as your gracious Judge and ask yourself: "What am I angry about? Why am I angry? What is an honest and gracious way to deal with this?" Then seek to resolve the conflict that angers you ASAP and do so in love. This is so important that you may need to interrupt a sacred ritual or a time of prayer (Matthew 5:23-24). Be the first to say "I'm sorry" or to offer empathy and compassion. Of course, this is not fair, but do it anyway because God does it for you. You can "Forgive as the Lord forgave you" (Colossians 3:13b, NIV).

Don't seek revenge when mistreated; share God's generosity: "Love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous" (Matthew 5:44-45, NIV).

If we give in to angry feelings and justify them the next thing we want to do is to act on them and get even. Jesus' point here is don't seek revenge; God is gracious with you so you be gracious to others. Treat conflict and injustice as an opportunity for God to bring out the best in you, not the worst, for you to grow in your capacity to share the kindness of Christ.

Get help for your problem before you help another: "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. First take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye" (Matthew 7:1, 5b, NIV).

When someone has a speck in their eye it hurts. They need help getting it out. But you're in no position to help when you have a log in your own eye! Usually when we're angry we have a log in our own eye that needs to be dealt with. Get help understanding and overcoming the issues in your life - like control, self-righteousness, and unforgiveness - that underlie and arouse your anger. Then you'll be able to see clearly and act compassionately.

EXAMPLES OF JESUS RESPONDING TO THE PHARISEES' ANGER

Let's look at how Jesus applied his own teachings to the way he dealt with his conflicts with the religious leaders who repeatedly criticized, manipulated, attacked, and abused him.

• They judged him for letting a prostitute sit at his feet crying, washing his feet with her tears and anointing them with perfume. Jesus told them a story that honored the woman for showing much love because she'd received much forgivenss and confronted the Pharisees for showing little love because they'd received little forgiveness (Luke 7:36-50).
• They criticized Jesus and his disciples for picking heads of grain on the Sabbath. Jesus asked them if they'd read the Scriptures that demonstrate that the Sabbath is about God's mercy, not sacrifice (Matthew 12:1-8).
• They plotted to kill him after he healed a man with shriveled hand on the Sabbath so he withdrew (Matthew 12:9-15).
• They accused him of being in league with the devil after he delivered a possessed man. Jesus calmly explained that their was a war between the Kingdom of God verses the kingdom of Satan, good verses evil, he and his followers versus them (Matthew 12:22-37).
• They judged his disciples for breaking the traditions of the elders. Jesus asked them why they break the command of God for the sake of their traditions and gave them examples (Matthew 15:1-9).
• They pressured him to show them a sign from heaven to prove himself. He told them they were missing the signs right in front of them. He said their request was evil and the only sign they'd get was that of Jonah. Then he walked away (Matthew 16:1-4).
• They tried to trap him into contradicting the law or his message of love by bringing him a woman caught in adultery and asking permission to stone her according to the law of Moses. Amazingly, Jesus affirmed law and grace by inviting whoever was without sin to throw the first stone. They all walked away confronted by their sins and Jesus released the woman (John 8:1-11).
• They picked up stones to stone Jesus when he proclaimed, "I and the Father are one." He confronted them for wanting to stone him when he'd done so many wonderful miracles. When they came after him he escaped (John 10:22-42).
• They slandered him for accepting and eating with sinners and so he told them parables that highlighted God's grace for the lost (Luke 15).
• They badgered him on the issue of divorce: "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?" Jesus reminded them of the sacredness of God's original plan for oneness in marriage and then confronted them for mistreating women (Matthew 19:1-9).
• They raged at him after he drove the conniving merchants out of the temple and healed the blind and lame and blessed the children. Jesus replied simply, "Have you never read, 'From the lips of children and infants [God has] ordained praise'?" Then he walked away (Matthew 21:12-17).
• They challenged him by asking, "By what authority are you doing these things?" Jesus said he'd answer their question after they answered his question about whether John's baptism came from heaven or men. They refused to answer because Jesus caught them in their own trap. If they said John who pointed to Jesus was from men then the people would be mad at them, but if they admitted that John was sent by God then they were admitting that Jesus was too. So Jesus didn't answer them (Matthew 21:23-27).
• They tried to get him in trouble with the Romans by asking them if it's right to pay taxes to Caesar. The people hated the taxation without representation and the Romans enforced their tax. Jesus confronted them for trying to trap him and then wiggled out of the trap: "Give to Caesar what is Caesar's (the tax) and give to God what is God's (the heart)" (Matthew 22:15-22).
• They asked him difficult questions about the resurrection, greatest commandment, and the Messiah and his answers left them silent and pondering (Matthew 22:23-46).They sent a crowd armed with swords and clubs to arrest him. Jesus walked up to them and said, "I am he" and they all fell back to the ground. Peter struck a soldier with his sword, cutting off his ear. Jesus healed the soldier's ear, commanded his disciples to put away their swords, let them arrest him, and confronted their unfounded and improper attack (Matthew 26:47-56, John 18:1-11).
• They questioned Jesus in an illegal trial, spit in his face, punched him, slapped him, and mocked him as a helpless prophet. Jesus silently accepted their mistreatment. Then he calmly confronted them for ganging up on him secretly and for abusing him when he did nothing wrong (Matthew 26:57-67, John 18:19-24).
• They watched him being crucified and he said, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." They sneered at him, "He saved others; let him save himself if he is the Christ." He prayed, "Father, into your hands I commit my spirit." (Luke 23:33-46).

CAN WE RESPOND TO ANGRY PEOPLE AS JESUS DID?

What do you notice in the way Jesus responded to anger, judgment, and abuse from the Pharisees?

Jesus' response to aggression is revolutionary. It's so wise, so beautiful, so strong, and so different from what it normally done. In tense and angry situations, when he's being judged, baited, or hit look at how he responds. He tells a story, asks a question, calmly explains, heals people, wiggles out of traps, walks away, prays, or silently accepts the mistreatment. In all cases he holds his ground, de-escalates the conflict, and speaks the truth in love.

What's he doing? He's practicing what he preached! "Make the first move to resolve a conflict. Turn the other cheek. Bless those who curse you. Pray for your enemies. Take the log out of your own eye before you remove the speck in another's eye."

Do you want to live that way? You might be afraid to face life and people and conflicts without aggression. Most people don't want to handle anger in the way that Jesus is teaching here. It doesn't feel safe. It doesn't seem right. Sometimes we just need to fight back, don't we?

Some of us do want to be like Jesus and so we try. But when we're mistreated we lose our temper, get emotionally beat up, or become tongue-tied. Is it even possible for us to live these teachings of Jesus? Afterall, Jesus was the Son of God and we're just human beings.

If we understand teachings like "Bless those who curse you" as a legalism - a standard we have to measure up to by trying hard - then the answer is no, it's not possible. This was the approach the Pharisees took. They mustered up all their moral muscle to keep the law. They were religious perfectionists, devoted legalists. But they failed to live the law because their hearts were wrong. God's law wasn't in their hearts. They didn't rely on his strength; they didn't depend on him to make them righteous people on the inside.

An Example

Let me share with you a simple, concrete example from my life. Some time ago I started trying to implement the teachings of Jesus in how I drive. This might seem like a trivial thing, but it's something I do everyday and it gives me a specific situation to practice trusting Jesus to transform me. Besides when I'm driving I'm praying anyway. For me, driving to and from work is an opportunity either for silence and solitude or for listening to Christian teaching tape.

My temptation in the car has been to use the power of my engine to race ahead and to assert my rights that people not cut in front of me. And when people do cut me off or ride my bumper or do something else rude my typical response was to get irritated and perhaps angry. You know how it goes: "You're not going to get ahead of me!... No, you can't squeeze in there - I'll make sure of it!... That was rude and dangerous! What a jerk. Oh, you cut me off. That's not right. I'll show you and I'll get ahead and cut you off."

Do Jesus' teachings apply here? "Turn the other cheek. If someone asks for your shirt give him your coat. Bless those who curse you and pray for those who persecute you." Yes, they do. Through prayer and trusting Jesus I can respond differently: "Don't get mad, Bill. Look to Jesus. Let the person cut in. Smile. Pray for him, he might be having a hard day. 'Yes, Lord I pray that you would keep him safe for his family and help him to rest in your love and to honor the name of Jesus."

The most wonderful part of this is that God by trusting Jesus in my driving I'm progressing in trusting him in other areas of my day-to-day life when people are rude, cut in front of me, or just get angry with me.

Please don't be impressed with me. I still haven't put a fish on my car! I still have so much to learn as Jesus' apprentice. Admire Jesus who is driving with me and having greater influence in me. I share this story because if God can help a Type A, competitive, irritable man like me to be more at peace and considerate of others then he can do the same with you when you're mistreated.

JESUS IS TEACHING US SPIRITUAL MARTIAL ARTS

It's critical that we understand that "Bless those who curse you" and all the other teachings of Jesus are not pieces of legalism. They're teachings. All of Jesus' teachings about conflict have to do with the fact that if you go Jesus' route you upset the dynamics of the situation. If someone curses you and you curse him back then he knows exactly what to do. But if you bless him then he doesn't know what to do. Jesus is teaching us a kind of spiritual martial arts for those who put their faith in him and live within the dynamics of the invisible Kingdom of the Heavens.

Martial arts is about more than physical techniques for self-defense. True, martial artists develop physical strength and learn skills for disarming and restraining others. They learn to fight and even become able to inflict serious harm on another person. But true Martial Artists do not want to injure others. They want to perfect their own character and their way of reacting to life situations. Through disciplined training from a master then learn things like focus, timing, balance, composure, self-control, responsibility, and respect. Experts in martial arts develop mastery over their bodies and minds and are prepared when conflicts or dangers arise.

Have you ever seen "Karate Kid"? I saw this movie when it came out in 1984 and I watched it again recently. It illustrates how we need to go into spiritual training in order to learn to respond to angry people as Jesus did.

In the movie a fatherless teenager named Daniel has moved to Los Angeles from the East Coat and faces the challenge of making new friends in a different culture. He strikes up a relationship with a pretty blonde girl. Unfortunately for him, she recently broke up with mean kid who is part of the Cobras, a menacing gang of karate students who use karate, not for self-defense but to hurt others. The Cobras bully and beat up on Daniel mercilessly.

Daniel learns that the handyman at his apartment complex is a master of the martial arts and so to get even and to impress his girlfriend Daniel asks Mr. Miyagi to teach him karate.

Miyagi agrees under one condition: Daniel must submit totally to his instruction and never question his methods. Daniel shows up the next day eager to learn. To his chagrin, Mister Miyagi has him paint a fence. Miyagi demonstrates the precise motion for the job: up and down, up and down. Daniel takes days of strenuous, monotonous work to finish the job. Daniel wonders, "What does this have to do with karate?" But he says nothing. Then Miyagi has Daniel scrub a huge deck, wax three old weather-beaten cars, and paint the entire house. Each job has precise motions and requires concentration and endurance. Each job takes days and leaves Daniel exhausted in sore. Finally, Daniel reaches his limit of working so hard to do Mr. Miyagi's chores that have nothing to do with karate!

Daniel blows up at Mr. Miyagi: "I thought you were going to teach me karate, but all you have done is have me do your unwanted chores!" Daniel broke Miyagi's one condition of unquestioned obedience. The old man's face pulses red with anger, "I have been teaching you karate! Defend yourself!" Miyagi thrusts his arm at Daniel, who instinctively defends himself with an arm motion exactly like that used in one of his chores. Miyagi unleashes a vicious kick, and again Daniel averts the blow with a motion used in his chores. After Daniel successfully defends himself from several more blows, Miyagi simply walks away, leaving Daniel to discover what the master had known all along: skill comes from repeating the correct but seemingly mundane actions.

Through participating in Miyagi's rigorous training program Daniel become a Karate champion. The mastery over his mind and body that he gains, along with the respect for others (fighting is always the last answer to a problem) enables him to deal with life better. Daniel develops the physical and mental skills to stand up to the bullies and to do so in an honorable way.

This is like what we learn from Jesus and it's also the way that we learn from Jesus. You can learn to deal with criticism, conflict, and mistreatment if you go into training with Jesus. Become his disciple or apprentice by learning to obey what he teaches. This doesn't mean imitating Jesus' behavior - it means internalizing Jesus' Spirit. You become like Jesus in your heart by relying on his power.

Daniel couldn't become a karate master by watching Miyagi and then doing the amazing feats of strength and skill. Neither can we obey Jesus' teachings on anger (or anything else for that matter) simply by watching him respond to the Pharisees' attacks and then trying to imitate him. We need to train with Jesus in ways that change us from the inside out. "Don't try. Train." Is the succinct way Dallas Willard describes it. More than learning new behaviors we need to become a different kind of person:

• aware of danger, not idealizing
• peaceable, not angry
• assertive, not aggressive
• self-controlled, not impulsive
• confident in God's power in us, not afraid
• secure in God's acceptance, not ashamed
• relying emotionally on God and Christ's Ambassadors, not on unsafe people
• willing to look foolish for Jesus' sake, not wanting to impress

As with Daniel, our training for responding to angry people must be done prior to the conflict or crisis. We need to be disciplined and persistent in our preparations.

A SPIRITUAL MARTIAL ARTS TRAINING PROGRAM

What does the training program for dealing with conflict look like? How do we learn to deal with anger in the strong and loving way that Jesus did? Here are a few of my thoughts:

1. Ask for what you need: "Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete" (John 16:24, NIV). To be of help to others we need to be getting our needs met by God and the Body of Christ. This way we can give out of fullness and not out of compulsion or emptiness.

2. "Forgive as the Lord forgave you" (Colossians 3:13b, NIV): Work through repressed anger. If you have unresolved anger over past hurts or disappointments and someone gets angry at you look out! This is an example of someone "pushing your button."

3. Strengthen your Boundaries: You can't really say yes if you can't say no. To strengthen your boundaries means to increase self-awareness, establish self-identity, admit limitations, and exercise your "no" muscle.

"Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No'" (Matthew 5:37a, NIV).

4. Practice the "Think-Feel-Do Triangle": Think and feel through what happens (think about your feelings and feel about your thoughts, back and forth) before you speak or act. (Triangle: Think <-> Feel -> Say/Do)

"O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting" (Psalm 139:1, 23-24, NIV).

5. Practice self-denial: Self-denial is not self-negation nor is it self-shaming. To practice self-denial you need to have a sense of self or soulfulness that you're aware of and see the value of. When you have "self" then you can deny what you want in order to love God and others.

"Then he said to them all: 'If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it. What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit his very self?'" (Luke 9:23-25).

There are many spiritual disciplines that are ways to practice self-denial:

• Fasting: going without food or some pleasure for a period of time
• Silence: listening to others, not defending or promoting your self or otherwise managing what others think about you
• Secrecy: not telling others of your achievements
• Service: put the welfare of others ahead of your own. Take the position of the last, lowest, and least. Let others be first, highest, and best.

6. Abandon outcomes to God: I learned this concept from Dallas Willard and it's been so helpful to me. Don't try to control how situations go for you or what people think. Trust that the Lord is sovereign and that he is working all things for your good (Romans 8:28).

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition present your requests to God and the peace of God which passes all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:6-7, NIV). Anxiety is a control problem of trying to manage the outcomes of dreams, projects, people, situations. It's usurping the Lord's Sovereignty; it's lack of trust.

7. Anticipate and welcome trials as growth opportunities

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe" (James 1:2-6a, NIV).

8. Practice being Assertive (Instead of Being Passive or Aggressive)

"Speak the truth in love. In your anger do not sin" is Paul's wise counsel in Ephesians 4:15, 26, NIV). This is being assertive. Jesus was very, very assertive. Even in becoming our sacrificial lamb and embracing the cross he was strong and confronted people with love.

Avoid passivity. This is going into the "depressive position," internalizing anger and feeling bad about yourself. This is taking a victim role of "I'm bad." It's an implosion against the self that God loves.

Avoid aggressiveness. Don't react in anger by fighting back or seeking revenge. This puts you in the abuser role: "You're bad." Exploding with blame doesn't help you and it hurts the other person.

Be assertive. Speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15): Instead of the extremes of imploding or exploding you're responding (thinking and feeling before you say or do). Your attitude is, "I matter and you matter. I care about you and me."

9. Appeal to "the light of Christ" in others

As I read earlier, Jesus said that we're to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us because our Heavenly Father causes the sun to rise not just for good people, but also for the evil (Matthew 5:44-45).

Years ago George Fox practiced this. He was the founder of the Quaker movement. His teachings to his followers were very profound. They were persecuted and often killed in England. He taught his people to address that of Christ in every man. So when someone is attacking you then you address that of Christ in him. That doesn't mean that all people have trusted in Christ for salvation. He is simply referring to the fact Jesus Christ is the one that lights every human being. There is in every human being a sense of God.

When you are caught in a conflict with someone who is mistreating you remember that the other person is not totally unconnected with God. God is bearing a witness in that person. Appeal to that - not to the power of your fist to strike back!

10. Learn to accept persecution but not abuse

This is a very important clarification! I don't want you to think that I'm throwing you out at sea in shark infested waters! Peter teaches us that some suffering is according to God's will and some is not (1 Peter 4:19), some is persecution that brings honor to the name of Jesus and some is evil that promotes sin (1 Peter 4:14-16). If someone is abusive you need to stand up to it in the love of Jesus. Love is a power. For instance:

• If someone is raging or swearing at you then you can calmly and firmly say, "It's not okay for to talk to me that way."
• If a neighbor keeps talking and talking even after you've said you need to wind down the conversation then offer empathic words and reinforce your limit. You might say, "I understand you have more you want to say but I do need to get going. Would you like me to pray for you first?"
• If a co-worker mistreats you "speak the truth in love" (Ephesians 4:15). If you can stay out a posture of shame or being frozen by fear then you can endure persecution for Christ's sake.
• If you're not strong enough internally to deal with a certain instance of abuse (you're overwhelmed or trembling) or if doing so would harm you or the other person then you can walk away. As we saw Jesus did that when angry mobs came at him.

11. Do all these things prayerfully and with the support of a spiritual friend. Jesus said that when two or three of us gather to pray in his name that he is there with us (Matthew 18:20). There is power in praying together, in supporting one another as apprentices of Jesus.