William Gaultiere, Ph.D.
Director of New Hope & Psychologist
with ChristianSoulCare.com
Each of us must face negative situations every day. Problems at work. Problems
at home. Too much to do and not enough time to do it. Or not enough
to do and too much time to do it! Traffic on the freeway. Solicitors
at our door. Junk mail. Telemarketers. Spam in our e-mail. Information
overload! Disappointments. Conflicts with loved ones. Health
challenges. Injustice. We all have stresses to deal with. How
do we learn to see the silver lining in the dark clouds? How can we learn
to appreciate that the sun is indeed shining and warming us even if we can't
see it right then?
Appreciate your God-Given Glory!
Negativity is an ineffective ways for dealing with stress and sin. When
we're negative we feel bad. We project and blame others. We try
to be perfect. We expect others to be perfect. We idealize ourselves. We
idealize others. We run from it in compulsive behaviors. We complain
and complain! These are all ways that we deny - rather than accept
and deal with - the reality that goodness and badness are both a part of ourselves,
others, and the world we live in.
God says to us in his Word, "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil
with good" (Romans 12:21). This is living with a positive-minded faith
in Christ. The only way we can live this way is to live by the attitude
that the Apostle Paul opens Romans 12 with, "In view of God's mercy."
Many people have trouble receiving, internalizing, metabolizing, and relying
upon God's goodness. Maybe you're one of them. When you look in
the mirror you feel bad. This hurts you and others. For God's grace
to flow freely through you in your way of dealing with life and in your
relationships with others it has to get in you.
To not experience God's grace in your heart is to struggle with guilt and
shame. If this is you then probably your feelings of personal badness
have a long history. Maybe you were abused or neglected as a child. Maybe
you grew up in an alcoholic home. Maybe you felt that your parents weren't
pleased with you no matter how hard you tried to do good. Maybe you've
just felt lost in this world, like nobody really understands you.
Or maybe your shame is tied to sinful things you've done. Ways that
you've violated God and others and your own self.
If you feel bad about yourself then you need to learn to open your heart to
God's mercy and grace, to see yourself as he does: forgiven, loved, being transformed. In
other words, God's goodness needs to overcome the badness inside you.
David, under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit in Psalm 16 said, "As for
the saints who are in the land they are the glorious ones in whom is all my
delight."
The Apostle Paul said the same thing: As you trust in Christ you are a GLORIOUS
ONE. You're created in God's image. Yes, you've sinned, but you've
been forgiven, redeemed, and Christ is at work transforming you with ever increasing
glory:
"And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed
into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who
is the Spirit" (2 Corinthians 3:18).
Do you believe this? I don't think you do! I want you to listen
to Jesus' words: "You are the light of the world." (Matthew 5:14). YOU
are the light of the world. Yes, YOU.
I know you're thinking, "Jesus is the light of the world." Yes, he is,
but he's also given his light to you to shine through you. If you don't
shine your light in your world where you are then it'll be dark in that place. Other
people who need God's light through you will miss out.
So turn to the person next to you as you're reading these words and say, "You
are the light of the world!"
We all need to receive God's grace - his kindness to us and his affirmations
of his goodness in us - through one another as Christ's Ambassadors. This
helps us to discern and trust in his grace as it's revealed to us through his
Word, the sacraments, spiritual disciplines, and nature.
When you finish this article I want you to practice this. Look in the
mirror. Smile. And say out loud Jesus' words to yourself: "You
are the light of the world!"
For some of you this will be really hard. You'll laugh. You'll
feel awkward. Maybe you'll cry. You need to practice this. Meditate
on God's grace to you. Memorize and pray over Scriptures. Get with
grace-giving friends and take risks of trust and work at internalizing his
goodness.
Grace is Relational
To "grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ" (2
Peter 3:18) we need to develop bonds of trust with Jesus and his followers
in the Body of Christ. God has designed us as relational beings. Scientific
research validates God-designed relational nature.
Dr. Robert Putnam reported on his research in his book Bowling Alone that "Joining
one group cuts in half your odds of dying next year." Just belonging
to one group benefits your health. So by participating in New Hope you're
increasing your life expectancy!
One of the most thorough research projects ever done on relationships was
the Almeda County Study, which was headed up by a Harvard social scientist.
This study tracked 7,000 people over nine years, and found that relationally
isolated people were three times more likely to die than those who had healthy,
meaningful relationships. They found that people with bad health habits
(e.g. smoking, poor eating habits, obesity and alcohol), but had strong social
ties live significantly longer than people who had great health habits but
were relationally isolated.
Based on this study, John Ortburg, author and pastor, concluded that it's
better for your health to eat twinkies with a friend than to eat broccoli alone!
And a scientist named Cohen published a study in the American Medical Association
in which 276 people were infected with the common cold virus - how would you
like to volunteer for that one? - and those with strong emotional bonds were
significantly less susceptible to getting sick than others who were isolated. The
socially connected were found to produce dramatically less mucous - yes, less
mucous.
This proves that unfriendly people are snotty!
Overcome Complaining with Gratitude
Probably the most obvious way that we need to overcome negativity with positivity
is in the area of complaining. Paul teaches us in Romans 12: "Never be
lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be
joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer" (Romans 12:11-12).
I think we need to look at our expectations for our lives. Most of us
in our culture today have a problem with entitlement. We're a self-absorbed
generation. Even in the church. We expect God to make our lives
go like we want. Sometimes we treat God like our bellboy: "Get me this. Do
that. Fix this for me." God is patient with us. And he wants
to bless us, no doubt, but the best blessing he could give us is himself. If
only we could see how good God is and trust him!
If we'd get just a glimpse of what a beautiful person Jesus is, what a magnificent
Lord and Savior we have, if we'd just savor just a taste of his sweet words
of grace and truth, then we'd be so satisfied that we wouldn't complain about
the disappointments and injustices in our lives. We'd bear them out of
love for Jesus.
Dallas Willard through his books and seminars has been a mentor to me. One
of the things I've learned from his is to "Abandon outcomes to the Lord."
What this means is that in life I do my best and then leave the results to
him. For instance, each morning I pray a prayer of surrender something
like this:
"Dear God, you are sovereign. You are Lord of all and I want you to
be my Lord. I ask you to ordain all the events of my day. Let everything
that happens to me pass through your hands. Use each situation I encounter
today to teach me to become more like Jesus - to think your heavenly thoughts,
to desire what you desire, to say and do what you're saying and doing."
Then as I go about my day I look to accept disappointments, rejections, failures,
frustrations as opportunities to learn from God. Instead of complaining
or stressing out to get people to do what I want or to get situations to turn
out like I want I work at listening to what God is teaching me and to pray. Then
I move forward doing my "response-able" best as God leads and strengthens me.
Recently I came across the soul-stirring old hymn Close to Thee by
Fanny Crosby. It's one of more than 8,000 hymns that she wrote in the
mid 1800's. Her life story and the inspiring faith in Christ she expressed
in her hymns is a powerful example. She experienced many bad things,
but instead of complaining or becoming embittered she was grateful for God's
goodness to her.
Fanny Crosby became blind at six weeks old when a doctor, filling in for her
family doctor, destroyed her eyesight by wrongly treating the inflammation
in her eyes due to a slight cold with hot poultices. Upon learning that
his treatment blinded little Fanny he skipped town.
And yet, near the end of her life Fanny wrote in her Memories of Eighty
Years:
"I have not for a moment, in more than eighty-five years, felt a spark of
resentment against [the doctor]; for I have always believed that the good Lord,
in His infinite mercy, by this means consecrated me to the work that I am still
permitted to do. When I remember how I have been blessed, how can I repine?"
Fanny was blind, but she learned to see with her heart! She was mistreated,
but she forgave. She also suffered tragic losses like the death of her
father when she was one year old and not being able to go to school with other
children, but even in grief she learned to rejoice greatly in God's goodness
to her. She said,
"Darkness may throw a shadow over my outer vision, but there is not a cloud
that can keep the sunlight of hope from a trustful soul."
Fanny's story and her words to her hymn Close to Thee so inspired me
that I have been memorizing this hymn and praying through it again and again. As
I did it was like Fanny became my spiritual friend and her faith in Christ
was formed in my own heart such that more and more I wanted the one thing that
delighted her soul: to walk close to Jesus. What else matters?
I invite you to pray with me Fanny's hymn, Close to Thee. Your
heart will see God and sing!
Thou, my everlasting portion, more than friend or life to me,
All along my pilgrim journey, Saviour, let me walk with Thee.
Close to Thee, close to Thee, close to Thee, close to Thee;
All along my pilgrim journey, Saviour, let me walk with Thee.
Not for ease or worldly pleasure, nor for fame my prayer shall be;
Gladly will I toil and suffer, only let me walk with Thee.
Close to Thee, close to Thee, close to Thee, close to Thee;
Gladly will I toil and suffer, only let me walk with Thee.
Lead me thro' the vale of shadows, bear me o'er life's fitful sea;
Then the gate of life eternal may I enter, Lord, with Thee.
Close to Thee, close to Thee, close to Thee, close to Thee;
Then the gate of life eternal may I enter, Lord, with Thee.
Jesus became Fanny's "everlasting portion." Like David who prayed to
the Lord, "Your love is better than life" (Psalm 63:3), Fanny prayed, "You
are more than friend or life to me." She wanted to keep Jesus before
her mind and in her heart each step of her pilgrim journey. For her the
comforts, pleasures, and applause of this world meant nothing. Hard work
and suffering were of little consequence. She just wanted to be close
to Jesus - always!
Do you want a closer relationship with Jesus like this? Do you want
to keep his goodness before your mind continually? I do! Let's
pray and let our souls sing with Fanny:
"Jesus you are my everlasting portion, more than friend or life to me. Day-by-day,
step-by-step I want to walk close to Thee. Lord, I don't ask for an easy
life, worldly pleasures, or people to be impressed with me. In all my
work and in all my painful trials all I ask is that you let me walk close to
Thee. You alone get me through dark valleys and over stormy seas. You
alone can open the gate of life. I praise you Jesus! I love you!"
Gratitude for God like Fanny Crosby's will always overcome complaining.
Overcome Resentment with Forgiveness
Forgiveness is a huge issue for overcoming negativity with positivity. Really
it's the main issue. Receiving forgiveness for our sins and forgiving
others who sin against us. The two go together. You can't do one
without the other. Jesus teaches this right after giving us the Lord's
Prayer as a pattern for how to pray:
"If you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also
forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will
not forgive your sins" (Matthew 6:14-15).
In Romans 12:17-19 Paul teaches us:
"Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right. Live
at peace with everyone. Leave room for God's wrath" (Romans 12:17-19).
Let's consider what this kind of forgiveness looks like. Have you seen
the movie "End of Spear"? Let me tell you the story behind the movie.
In January of 1956 Jim Elliot and four of his friends, including Nate Saint,
left their families in America went on a mission to share the gospel of Jesus
with the Aucas, a remote and savage tribe in the Amazon jungles of Ecuador. They
had learned the Aucas' language from one of the tribe's woman who had been
exiled in order to befriend and share Jesus' love with the most violent social
group in modern history. All five young missionaries were brutally stabbed
to death with spears and their bodies were thrown into a river.
To the world that read about what happened in a ten-page feature article in
Life magazine it seemed like such a tragic, nonsensical waste of five lives. But
such people don't understand a heart like Jim Elliot's who wrote in his prayer
journal before he left for his mission in the Amazon:
"God, I pray thee, light these idle sticks of my life and may I burn for Thee. Consume
my life, my God, for it is Thine. I seek not a long life, but a full
one, like you, Lord Jesus."
Martyred at just 29-years of age, Jim Elliot and his friends left behind a
legacy of countless hearts set ablaze for Jesus. A whole generation of
Christian missionaries headed off to foreign fields, saying with the slain
Elliot,
"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose."
But the harvest from these five precious kernels of wheat that fell to the
ground and died for Jesus doesn't stop there - it yielded many more seeds of
life. Less than two years later, Jim Elliot's widow, Elizabeth, along
with the sister of Nate Saint, Rachel Saint, went to the Aucas to extend the
forgiveness of Jesus Christ to the men who killed their family members.
As a result, the Aucas, meaning "naked savages," were so transformed
that they became known as the Waodani, meaning "true people!" And
today the Waodani have the New Testament in their language and one-fourth of
the tribe has put their trust in Jesus as their Lord and Savior, including
seven of the nine who speared to death Jim Elliot and his friends! Rachel
Saint and the son of her martyred brother, Steve, lived peacefully with the
Waodani for over four decades. As a teenager, Steve, and his sister were
baptized by two of the killers in the same river where their father's body
had been discarded. The ripples in the water from this baptism showed
that God's forgiveness had come full circle.
This is a true story. And it's a story that's being replayed in one
way or another by Christians everyday. For instance, I helped a woman
I'll call Kari. Kari was verbally and emotionally abused by her mother
and she'd been sexually abused by her uncle and other men. She was depressed
and resentful. And she kept getting into abusive relationships with men.
Of course, being in psychotherapy with a male therapist put her trust issues
front and center to work through. She had many issues she dealt with
but the one I want to tell you about is how she learned to forgive her mother.
She told her story to me. She cried and cried. She trembled and
hid underneath the blanket on my couch. She screamed and cried some more. We
put her mother in the empty chair in my office and she confronted her. Then
she started writing letters to her mother that she didn't send. Then
she brought her mother into my office and "spoke the truth in love to her." And
she forgave her mother.
Then she decided that she wanted to reconcile with her mother - even
though her mother was sometimes critical and judgmental. But Kari had
progressed in her emotional healing and developed stronger boundaries. And
she was learning to guard her heart with her mother, to resist expecting her
mom to be motherly, but to see her as she was: someone who could be harsh and
controlling sometimes. Kari wanted to renew contact with her to honor
her as her mother and for her kids to have contact with their grandmother.
She needed support from me and her friends and a lot of prayer, but this is
what she did. When her mother died she had no regrets. She learned
to love her as Jesus would have if he was Kari. God's forgiveness completely
overcame her resentment.
Overcome Mistreatment with Blessing
In his Great Commission Jesus said,
"All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore
go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father
and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything
I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end
of the age" (Matthew 28:18b-20, NIV).
Jesus commissioned us to make disciples to him. To be Jesus' disciple
is to be his apprentice in all of life. It's to be baptized or immersed
in Trinitarian living. It's to learn to obey everything that Jesus taught
us to do.
Here are some of Jesus' teachings:
"If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Love your enemies
and pray for those who persecute you. Give to the one who asks you" (Matthew
5:42, 44, 48, NIV) and "Bless those who curse you" (Luke 6:28, NIV).
These seem like hard teachings to us. Let's focus on "Bless those who
curse you." Paul says similar words in Romans 12:14: "Bless those who
persecute you; bless and do not curse" (Romans 12:14). Here is the real
test of having a positive faith in Christ.
When was the last time you heard a sermon on blessing those who curse you? We
need to be taught how to obey Jesus like this. He showed us how to live
this way and we can learn to follow his example by relying on his Spirit and
strength.
Blessing those who curse us is an important way of learning to overcome evil
with good. It's related to forgiveness and it's a very practical issue
that we encounter routinely. We can practice this. We can learn
to rely on Jesus and his grace to overflow through us even when we're mistreated.
This week you'll probably be criticized or mistreated by someone you love. No
doubt you'll be slighted or offended by someone you encounter whether in line
at the grocery store or while at work.
A couple of years ago God led me to start practicing this with his help. He
convicted me for the angry reactions that rose up within me when I was driving
and other drivers cut me off or rode my rear bumper. I'd mutter under
my breath, "Hey! I was here first!" or "What's the matter with
you? You could hurt someone!" Sometimes I even honked my horn
or sped ahead and glared at the other driver! I shake my head at myself
now, especially since sometimes these angry reactions were interrupting a time
I was setting aside for prayer or meditation. I was letting rude or reckless
strangers disrupt my silence and solitude with God. And I was getting
drawn into my own rude and reckless behavior!
I decided to treat getting into my car like going to God's gym for a forgiveness
work out. As Jesus has said to his disciples in the garden, my spirit
was willing (that's why I was praying to God or listening to Christian teaching
CD's while driving) but my flesh was weak so I needed to "watch and pray" with
Jesus so that I didn't fall into sin.
"Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing,
but the [flesh] is weak" (Matthew 26:41).
I needed to anticipate my vulnerability to angry reactions on the road and
to prepare myself for the inevitable temptations that would come by putting
my trust Jesus. My plan was that whenever a driver cut me off or irritated
me in some way I would simply pray, "Hallowed by Thy name. Father,
you are so precious to me." Over time as I learned to respond to
offensive drivers by worshiping the Lord and appreciating his goodness to me
with this simple prayer I found that I loosened my grip on my steering wheel
and stayed in God's peace. Much to my surprise, I started noticing drivers
who were in a hurry or inconsiderate and I slowed down to let them cut in front
of me as I prayed, "Father, this man can go first. I'm happy to go
last with Jesus. Please watch over this man and bring him safely home
to his family." Jesus had taken a hold of the steering wheel! Lord,
help me not to grab it back and get impatient and irritated with other drivers!
Practicing this daily discipline of blessing those who cursed me on the freeway
has helped me to share God's mercy and grace in other situations. Trusting
God and dying to self in this small trial day-by-day has empowered me to trust
him and grow in his life in other and larger challenges I've faced.
William Gaultiere, Ph.D. is the Executive Director of the New Hope Crisis
Counseling Center at the Crystal Cathedral and a Clinical Psychologist and
Spiritual Director with ChristianSoulCare.com. On his website you can
sign up for a free, bi-monthly inspirational e-mail.
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