By Robert
H. Schuller
Today's message
is the second in a series on "Love Family Style." I am excited
about the series because I am excited about the family, and sharing
ideas on how to build a strong family.
I am so blessed
to have come from a strong Christian family. My father and my
mother were good solid parents and I think what I have learned
in parenting I probably picked up from them.
My wife,
likewise, comes from the same kind of a family. Both of us came
from Dutch farm families in northwest Iowa. We went to church
on Sunday, we read the Bible at every noonday lunch and we read
the Bible at every evening meal. We opened our meals with prayer.
That was the prayer of blessing. And after it was finished, we
closed with the prayer of thanksgiving.
They were
very religious homes and I want to share with you the principles
that Arvella and I learned from them and tried to incorporate
with our own family. We have five children, the youngest is Gretchen,
20 years old and none of the five children have given us any problems.
It has been a blessed, wonderful, happy family for which I am
very grateful.
All five
of our children embrace the Christian faith and all are involved
in some form of ministry. More than anything, this really makes
us very proud of them.
How did it
all work out so well for us? There are some points we've learned
and I want to share them with you. They all happen to begin with
the letter A.
BE ALERT!
The first
principle in positive parenting is to be alert. That means keeping
the antenna out, listening to what your children are saying verbally,
non-verbally, and para-verbally.
There were
times in the past thirty-two years since we started this ministry
when I came home worrying about how we were going to get the money
to build the Tower of Hope, or how we were going to finish the
Crystal Cathedral, or how we were going to handle negative criticism.
I would come
home with a heavy mind to face a child and the child didn't care
a thing about what I was worrying about at work. The child would
want to talk to me and then my challenge was to be alert.
At that moment
the only thing that really mattered was my child. Be alert! Be
very alert, because they may be asking for help. And many a father
or mother can have their mind wandering, worrying about their
own relationship, or about their work, or the bills. But the child
is trying to say, "Hey! I've got problems too. Will you help me?"
If we're
not alert we can miss the danger signals and then the child will
go elsewhere for emotional support and, if need be, seek it in
a bag or a bottle. Then you've got a REAL problem! Be alert!
Look for
signs such as these. Are their personalities changing? Are they
exceptionally quiet these days? Are they unusually difficult?
If so, then adjust your schedule, program time to spend with your
child. Take your daughter shopping or your son fishing.
One of the
most tragic stories I ever heard was a true story that happened
to a powerful, public person. I won't name his name for his sake.
He told me about the day when he was reading his diary. He was
about eleven years old. He wrote in his diary, "My daddy took
me fishing and spent the whole day with me. It was the best day
of my life."
Only a couple
of years ago his father died. The son wondered if his father had
made a note of the fishing trip in his diary as he had in his.
His father had indeed left a diary, and he had made a note of
that day. The son, now 40 years old, read his father's entry.
It said, "Spent the day fishing with my son. It was a wasted day."
BE APPRECIATIVE!
Be alert
to your children's needs. Then appreciate them as friends. My
children have been my best friends. They still are. I appreciate
them as entertainers. I find my fun, entertainment, laughter and
humor from them.
I also appreciate
them as encouragers. When the world has failed to encourage me,
my family is always there cheering me on. I love the story of
the young man who was a stand-in performer at the Paris Opera
House. He was filling in for a singer of great fame and the theater
was packed with people who had come and paid to hear the star
tenor.
Just before
the curtain went up, the announcement was made that the performer
was sick and he'd be replaced by a stand-in. Everybody booed.
They were disappointed in having to hear the second-string singer
and they made their disappointment heard.
As hard as
it must have been for the stand-in to walk onto that stage and
sing, this unknown name had to do it. He came on stage and faced
the restless audience. The singer took a long pause, preparing
to sing, when from a balcony, a little boy popped up and declared,
"I think you're doing great, Daddy!"
The house
broke up and from then on the audience listened attentively to
this unknown singer and when he was finished they applauded him
long and loud.
BE AFFIRMATIVE!
Be alert
to your children. Appreciate them. Then, affirm them their future,
their potential, their possibilities. This is especially important
in a world where too many people thrive on putting others down.
Insecure people who suffer from an inadequate self-esteem, intuitively,
impulsively, impertinently attempt to build their own self-worth
by tearing others down.
You need
to be aware that your child may be put down in the classroom.
There are still teachers today, who are insensitive to a child's
self-esteem, who will ask a student to perform who isn't ready,
and make him stand up in front of the class, at the blackboard
and make a fool out of himself.
Schools can
inadvertently cut your children down. So can religion. If children
are exposed to the wrong church or the wrong Sunday school and
are told that they're bad and they're sinners, they can begin
to feel inadequate.
Some schools
and churches put you down and frequently society puts you down.
Even nature can work against your positive sense of self-esteem.
For instance, it isn't easy to be a successful runner. By nature,
I'd like to sit in the chair and not exercise. If I want to be
a runner, I have to work against my nature and discipline myself
to get out there and run.
It's your
job to give your children a boost. Affirm them. Tell them that
they can be somebody. I remember reading Dr. Norman Vincent Peale's
biography. That book provides a clue to Dr. Peale's success. Dr.
Peale had a very strong-willed mother. And she used to say to
Norman when he was a little guy, "Norman, you can be somebody.
Believe it YOU CAN BE SOMEBODY!"
That's tremendous!
A little child who hasn't had a success experience or a positive
achievement cannot perceive or believe that he can be somebody
unless his parents program it into him.
Whether you're
rich or poor, thin or fat, white or black, red or yellow, educated
or illiterate, the truth is that YOU CAN BE SOMEBODY!
BE AVAILABLE!
Positive
parenting is being alert; it's being appreciative; it's being
affirmative; and finally it's being available always!
Speaking
of Dr. Peale, I recall visiting him one day several years ago.
We were meeting alone in his private office on Fifth Avenue in
New York City. Suddenly, his secretary came in and said, "I'm
sorry to interrupt you, Dr. Peale, but Elizabeth's on the line."
Norman said
to me, "Excuse me, Bob. I do have to take that call. It is my
daughter."
Suddenly,
it was as if I didn't exist. Nobody existed except the girl on
the other end of the phone. He picked up the phone and he said,
"Yes Elizabeth?" He listened. Then he said, "Well, Elizabeth,
so you didn't get elected. No, Elizabeth, that's no embarrassment.
Of course I'm not ashamed of the fact that you lost. Elizabeth,
I think you're great! You are a success, Elizabeth, because you
dared to try! And people who dare to try are never total losers.
They won over the fear of failing."
Be available!
Every one of my children can find me at anytime. I may be in total
seclusion but my wife always knows where I am. I'm never far from
a phone and my wife knows where she can reach me. Likewise, if
it's one of my children I drop everything. The positive parent
is alert, appreciative, affirmative and available.
That's the
kind of Father that God is! He's alert! He's attentive! He appreciates
me! After all, I was His idea and He's always available. I've
learned that from Him. I have passed it on to my children and
they're passing it on to the grandchildren and that's the beginning
of real success in a family.
Let's Pray:
Thank You, Father, for the exciting life we find in a positive
relationship with you. I pray for your blessings upon the fathers
and mothers who feel they have failed Oh God, they haven't failed
if they tried their best. We believe that you will have the last
word and it will be GOOD! So, I pray that children will be saved
and will learn to know you and to walk with you. And we rest in
the promise that we find in your Holy Word: "Ask and you shall
receive, seek and you shall find, knock and the door will be opened."
Thank you for this hope. Amen.
A portion
of the messages seen on the ìHour of Powerî and under the general
title "Positive Ideas for a Happy Family" are taken from the Fleming
Revel publication entitled: The Positive Family, Copyright 1972.
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