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By Robert H. Schuller

Among the thousands of letters I received this past week was this frantic appeal!

"I am going to the hospital next week for surgery. After listening to you, Dr. Schuller, I believe my illness was brought on by the tension of grief I have suffered since losing my husband one and a half years ago. Please rush me a copy of your new book. I believe it will help bring healing."

Beyond a doubt, deep seated grief is a main cause of illnesses in America today. Let's take a look and see what damage ingrown grief can do. It can produce physical illness - as any doctor well knows. It is not uncommon for a pastor to call upon people, long after the funeral, to hear them say, "My body aches all over." They literally feel physical aches and pains. v Neurotic grief can cause a person to become sick - physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually: to the degree that they commit spiritual suicide! Normal capabilities of rational judgment are lost under the weight of neurotic grief that spiritually suffocates their faith. And so in a moment of negative emotion, the heart cries out, "There is no God or He wouldn't let a thing like this happen". This is an emotional, negative, overreaction!

I have good news for every person who suffers from heartache! Get set for sunshine to break through the clouds! Be prepared - in the next few pages you will begin to see a light at the end of the dark tunnel! It's happening to some of you now! The process of coming alive again has started within you this very moment! You will come out of your tomb into daylight, out of winter into springtime, out of mourning into dancing.

HERE THEN, ARE EIGHT STEPS TO SURE RELIEF FROM GRIEF

1. Let new thoughts make you into a new person. When a grief-producing experience hits you it is normal and very healthy to have a good cry. Open up or you will blow up. No tears and you will tear yourself up inside. It is natural for man to weep and to cry. You were designed by God to find emotional relief from grief through healing weeping. Don't be afraid to cry. Tear up or you will tear up.

The danger is, you will want to keep on crying too long.

GET SET TO FORGET

You must be willing to forget your lost love. The truth is you don't want to forget. You would feel guilty if you forgot. (Don't worry, you will never really forget!) The truth is, grief-stricken people do not want to forget-they want to keep remembering. Why? Because as long as they still remember, they think they have not completely lost the loved one.

"It's time to start a new life," I said to a father who was still grieving a year later over his son. I added, "You want to keep on grieving, for as long as you grieve, you are experiencing the same emotion that you experienced the moment that the event occurred. And at the moment the death occurred you weren't quite sure that he was really dead! So you want to keep living in that bygone moment-you do not want to overcome your grief!"

To another widow I had to say, "You have never accepted the passing of your husband, and you must. Have you ever said, "My husband passed away?''' She said, "No." "I am going to make you say it,'' I enthused. "Repeat these words after me: 'My husband passed away.' She repeated the words which obviously hurt her. Continuing, I asked her, ''Now, will you please tell your departed husband something?" I advised her to say speaking out loud to her departed husband, "Honey, ever since you have been gone, the only person I have been loving is you. I have got to stop loving you because while I have been loving you, especially since you have been gone, I have not been loving other people as I should. Honey, I've got to start forgetting you. I know you understand." This treatment proved to be a spiritual therapy! She started to come alive again. As she said later, "It was killing me to love someone who was gone and was unable to love me back!"

To this same woman I threw this question, "Since your husband has been gone, you love him more than you loved him when he was alive. Right?" She said. ''That is right,'' I went on, "Tell me now, have you had a fight with him since he died?" "What do you mean?'' she said. "Have you had an argument with him in your heart since his funeral?" I asked.

ìOf course not!" she exclaimed. "Well, you had arguments with him while he was alive, didn't you?î She answered. "Yes.'' ''See," I pointed out, "The love you have for him since his passing is not a realistic love - it is not a rational love. It is not even an intelligent love. Instead, it is a neurotic love. Because since he has been gone, you cannot think of anything that he ever did that was wrong! It's time to start a new life and discover new love, through new thoughts. "

Start now by burying your old thoughts. The well-worn depressing, mournful thoughts should be cast out. Old thoughts make moldy people. Think your way to a new life with bright new thoughts. Release yourself from the old entombed thoughts. Move away from their stale, musty, droopy influence. Let them go! Stop nursing, coddling, caressing, and embracing them! Old thoughts are like narcotics: They create false, unrealistic illusions of reality! Under their hypnotic spell you will be living in a dreary, lugubrious dream world of negative fantasy. Yesterday is past! Today is a new day filled with God's new mercies!

The most mournful character in the Bible must be Jeremiah, who was called "the weeping prophet." His melancholy collection of downcast laments comprises a book called "Lamentation." He reaches such depression that he writes, "My soul is bereft of peace, I have forgotten what happiness is.î (Lam. 3:17).

But he begins to respond to new thoughts, positive thoughts, grief-healing thoughts as he writes, "But this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end; They are new every morning: Great is thy faithfulness.'' (Lam. 3:21, 22. 23).

The truth is you are what you think. Think life is finished and for you it is! But you can control, reshape, remold your thinking!

CHANGE YOUR THOUGHTS AND THE WHOLE WORLD WILL CHANGE AROUND YOU!

The first new thought I would give you is the belief that there is relief from grief!

Stop a moment to repeat the Possibility Thinker's Creed:

When faced with a mountain I will not quit. I will keep striving until I climb over, find a pass through, tunnel underneath, or stay and turn the mountain into a gold mine with God's help."

Now read God's promises, "Behold I make all things new." ( Rev. 21:5 ) The Bible says, "If any man is in Christ he is a new creature. " Jeremiah said it, "Every morning is a new day!" (Lam. 3:23) God wants you to have a new life-begin with new, bright positive thoughts -" It's possible to enjoy life again! "

Believe - and know you can be born again to a new and happy life! All things are possible if you will have faith. "The Lord is the strength of my life - in this will I be confident" (Ps. 27:1-3). ìI can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Phil. 4: 13).

Now TRY to be happy again!

THERE IS ALWAYS A WAY WHEN YOU REALLY TRY

And what does that powerful word TRY mean?

T - Trust! Believe that there is a way!

R - Reach! Reach out in all directions. Make new discoveries! Create new interests. Find new friends.

Y - Yield! Yield yourself to God's will. Believe me, God wants your life to glorify Him! You won't be a glory to Him until you start singing a new song! So be sure He has a plan for new happiness. It's up to you to Ask, Seek, Knock and discover it! Yield to God's happy plan!

2. Forgive yourself. Always there is guilt mixed in with grief. I recall a funeral I conducted years ago. I knew them to be a very happily married couple, always involved in community affairs until the husband died suddenly. Alone with me at the casket, the widow held my arm. Suddenly she fell over the casket of her departed husband and said, ''Forgive me, forgive me! Why did I go to my parties and leave you alone so much?" (I couldn't even communicate with her.) Finally, she got up and I helped her to the car. In the ensuing weeks and months she became a very sick woman, she just stopped living. One day I went to see her and I said to her ìHave you forgiven yourself already?" She said, ''What do you mean.?î ì Do you remember what you said just after you left your husband's casket'' I asked. She replied ìI don't know what you have reference to.î

Do you remember that you said, ìPlease forgive me for the times I went to parties and left you alone, etc., etc.'" She looked at me astonished and said, ìI didn't say that." I said. ìYes, you did. I was there."

Now as she began to recall the depth of the guilt that she was trying unsuccessfully to forget, healing came. The truth is: Guilt is mixed in all grief! None of us give the time, attention and the affection to our loved ones as we ought. If we did, I suppose it would be an overindulgent situation and that would not be healthy. Guilt is understandable, so FORGIVE yourself!

3. Now toughen your mind! Even though your heart is broken, be rough on yourself: particularly when self-pity knocks at your door. Grief quickly spawns self-pity: "Why did this happen to me?'' Often this self-pity is generated, nourished and strengthened by the sincere sympathy of people around you. When they see you worried or weeping, it is natural for them to support you with sympathy. But instead of strengthening you, their sympathy only feeds your self-pity.

Recently I called on a lady who had lost her husband many months ago, "My dear friend," I began. "first, let me assure you that I love you. Now let me say that I sincerely want to help you. But the only way I can help you is to hurt you. Shall I help or shall I not?" She nodded her head. "All right,'' I offered, ìthe way to help you is to hurt you - for I must be blunt with you. You have had plenty of time to express your sorrow and your grief. You are now indulging in self-pity. This is basically a negative emotion. Self-pity weakens, fatigues and saps your life of strength. You have got to be tough on yourself. Stop acting like a big baby! Grow up!" It was rough talk, but the verbal slap knocked her into new life! It worked! (Nobody else is going to be as rough on you as you must be on yourself. Be tender with yourself when it comes to forgiving yourself, but be tough on yourself when it comes to self-pity.)

How do you overcome self-pity? Make statements like this: ''Who do I think I am that I should be spared this heartbreak?'' The greatest people in the Bible, even the most wonderful friends of God, suffered tragedy. ''Talk TOUGH to yourself! ''I am acting like a baby! Grow up! Straighten up! Act your age! You are not a child! You ARE an adult. act like it!'' Remember, nobody else will dare to talk to you the way you should be lectured to!

4. Watch out for your worst enemy. I am thinking now of a 56-year-old man. He had been an atheist most of his life. When his only child drowned in a drainage channel, he blocked God out of his mind. However, a strange series of events led him to religious faith. In black despair he placed a telephone call to NEW HOPE (a 24-hour counseling center) at the top of our church tower one night. Through spiritual counseling he found a faith in a wonderful God. Today his testimony is, "For 56 years the greatest enemy of my life has not been a person, it has been a WORD. And the word is WHY? WHY? WHY? After years of misery, I made the greatest discovery of life and that is: ìLife is meant to be enjoyed, not to try to figure out." WHY? That's the one question God never answers! Even Christ raised it on the cross "God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" As the Negro spiritual puts it "God never spoke a mumbling word.'' ''Why?'' is the question God will not answer because the question ''WHY" means an unwillingness on our part to accept the tragic reality. God does not answer the question because we really do not want an explanation; we want an argument! When I ask one of my children to do something he does not want to do, he will come back and ask, "Why do I have to do it?" In most cases he does not want a reason, he wants an out. If God answered the questions "Why?" it would only start an argument. We would not accept the reasons if God offered them! Your worst enemy is a word. The word is WHY.

5. Now - Look at what you have left, not at what you have lost. I have never yet seen a situation where everything was lost. Recently an old childless woman said to me, "It seems like I'm losing everything I have." I said, "You never lose everything you have, NEVER! There is always at least one person left. In this case, I am that person. I will never leave you, or forsake you. If I weren't here, you could find Christ. There is someone, somewhere who needs you! Don't look at what you have lost, always look at what you have left."

6. Allow fun - love to come back into your life. In your guilty grief you will be tempted never to allow yourself to have any more fun. You may feel guilty if and when you do start enjoying life again! Listen! That's natural and normal - but foolish!

7. Use your grief and you will lose your grief! Use it! Don't let it use you! In every instance, when a tragedy strikes, it will draw you closer to God or it will drive you farther away from God. It will make you a better person or it makes you a worse person and YOU have the power to determine what it will do to you! Use it! Use your grief and Heaven will become more earth-like and earth will become more Heaven-like.

''In Love's service only broken hearts will do.''

8. Eliminate the error in your thinking - replace these error thoughts with truth thoughts. Christ promised, "You shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free. "What are the common errors in grief-stricken thinking? "I'll never get over this"- False! You will never be the same person because of what has happened - but the hurt will heal some day.

"I've lost everything"- False! Cancel that word lost! Don't use it! It's not true. You have been separated from someone who has passed on - you have not LOST them. They are NOT LOST!

"Eye has not seen - ear hath not heard - neither has entered the mind of man the things God has prepared for those who love him" (I Cor. 2:29).

One of the inspiring and faithful members of my Hour of Power television congregation is someone you all know and love, Doris Day.

As I prepared this chapter she shared her deep feeling on this subject. I knew about the struggle Doris went through when her husband passed away. ''How did you come back to life again.?'' I asked. She answered, ìMy son Terry helped. I was sitting in my bedroom in Palm Springs crying. He came in. I said, ìI wish I could be strong like you.î ìDo you want to be?î he answered. ìYes,î I said. ìThen you can be.î he said. ìStop crying. Start working. You can keep on crying for the next ten years-what good will it do? Or you can stop now.î

"Then my faith really came alive! I had been reading my Bible, and had read the words of Christ for years. I recalled the promises of Christ. ìHe who lives and believes in me shall never die.î It hit me with enormous force: God promised, and God promises life eternal!

I found myself asking myself, ìDoris Day, do you believe the Bible, and Jesus Christ? If so, stop storing it and start using it! Store food in a closet and it rots - use it and it will put muscle in your spirit.î

"It dawned on me - if I don't start applying God's promises - I'm a fool. And I don't want to be a fool.

"Today I have no sense of grief. I see my loved ones over there! And I see them smiling, saying to me, 'You're right, Do Do, you're right.'î

"When you are riding in an airplane and hit an air pocket you drop, gasp, but the plane rises, comes back up. So it is when a loved one passes on," this gallant friend added, "you drop, gasp, but surely you feel the renewing power of God's uplifting spirit! "

Peace comes! And you sail on with His Power under your wings!